Turco, it's behind you

So the Canucks got lucky and after being scoreless in the last two games, they finally got around to winning the series last night. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them and it’s good for business in the ‘Couv but why can’t we admit that we got lucky? Naslund sucks for the most part, the Sedin twins (although my fave) are great but not for games 5&6 and Linden although a hero today will just go back to being the ‘old guy’ soon enough. Luongo is the best player we have, hands down, too bad his job isn’t to also score some goals! If we thought Dallas was hard to beat just wait for the Anaheim Ducks…should be an interesting series. My favourite Canuck team member is Obie, the orca blimp that drops coupons and gift certificates from his butt…he rocks, they should show more of him.

We play Country AND Western here

On the way home from the convention, we stopped in good old Merritt for some lunch. 3 gay guys, a black girl, me and Ryan sauntered into the Coldwater Pub amidst country music and a bunch of scary, poker playing rednecks. Among the tough looking cowboys were at least 2 heavily pregnant gals and a very interesting toilet roll holder (see below). Luckily we made it out in one piece even though I was sure there would be a brawl of some sort; we certainly got some interesting looks from the locals and we were very nervous as we choked down our food as quickly as possible!

Liberal and Will Travel

I attended the Federal Liberal Convention for BC and here is a lovely shot of the crew hanging out with Michael Ignatieff pre-hospitality suite; good times. Van Centre Represent!

Most who read my blog are not political so I will not bore y'all with details but here are a few things that made me laugh during question period:
- Will it kill bats?? re: nuclear power. "If we have nuclear power where will we store the waste? In caves? We can't have it in the caves because it will kill bats...we cannot kill bats" - crazy old man in the red fleece

- making the Port Mann wider vs. adding more rapid transit. "Don't you realise that Abbotsford is BC's fastest growing community? Soon we'll be the cultural hub. You people from Vancouver should have to drive out here for government services instead of us having to come to you; it just makes sense" - bat shit crazy man from Abbotsford

- a certain MP who introduced himself with a mouthful of food with mayo all over his chin, onion on his chin, not using a plate or a napkin...who voted for this pig? Seriously.

- Guy who thought he had an afro from P.G. "The mountain pine beetle is like, the biggest issue since like, Confederation"...yeah, whatever.

- Last but certainly not least; Orca: this guy stopped a room full of partying people as we all turned in horror as he ate his food; he made this wheezy breathing sound as he ate and he sounded like a friggin' orca!

Anyhow, we had a sweet condo w/ a hot tub and we had a blast. Why the Liberal party chose the only place in BC still experiencing flurries and cold I will never know but we had a blast.

Doom in Hope

So, Nicole, Ryan and myself set off this afternoon to Sun Peaks Resort for the Federal Liberal Party Biennial Convention. We stopped in Hope for some lunch at the Goldrush Pub and started looking for the friggin' Coquihalla highway as we got all turned around in Hope's massive city centre you see...But who do we see riding his bike up the highway towards us? The Doom guy! He used to hang around in Victoria when I went to UVic and then I always saw him by Pacific Centre when I moved to Vancouver.

Well, now he's hauling ass on the Trans Canada spreading the gospel of Jesus and Doom, sweet! We saw him approaching us, then he gave us a wave and left us with a sense of doom as he rode off eastward. He's one fit hobo.

Fu&#ing Iris

I bought a sweet pair of Maui Jim prescription sunglasses there a year ago (oh sorry, a year and 3 days ago). My eyes have changed significantly in the past year and I had new prescription lenses put in; sadly the frames came back all bent and kept falling off of my face. I went into Iris on my lunch break and told the lady what had happened and she said “These are not from here”. I told her to look it up on her computer and sure enough, I had bought them there but my warranty was up 3 days ago and so there was nothing she could do for me. I was hungry and cranky and I said, ‘Wow, I’ll never be back here again and I’ll make sure to spread the word about how you treat your customers’. Right away she snatched the sunglasses from my hand and tried to bend them back. She came back 4 minutes later and said that nothing could be done, they were ruined. Fu&#!!!

So, I sent them to an optician on the island that the man and I know (we went to university with her son). She fixed them for me at no charge and sent them back with a note saying “Any optician could have fixed these for you in 10 seconds. Hopefully this will work for you”. I now have sunglasses that fit again and I am happy as a clam thanks to Kim (you rock!). Stupid Iris, you guys seriously suck.

Shithawk

So the man and I took Hatchy to North Van to get him washed (Hatchy is the name of our car and yes, he's a hatchback). We left the car wash lookin' fine and sparkly. About half way over the Second Narrows bridge a shithawk flew overhead and crapped all over Hatchy. Jacob and I were swearing up a storm as we were the only car in heavy traffic to be shat on and we had just had him cleaned, grrr.

Canucks Nation?

So, tonight is the first night of the playoffs and as everyone in the ‘Couv knows, Vancouver made it in. We easily have the most fickle fans in the NHL though; Vancouver fans are known for booing the American anthem, throwing beer at the opposing teams and throwing garbage on the ice when we lose; yep, we’re a classy bunch. It’s no wonder that Mayor Sam Sullivan and the VPD are scared shitless about possible riots a la 1994 and other problems caused by mainly the bridge and tunnel folk (you know who you are…Surrey).

People wonder why we’re called the ‘city of no fun’, well it’s because a few idiots in the crowd ruin it for the rest of us. You gave up on the Canucks every time that they lost and proclaimed that they suck and now that they’re in the playoffs, you’re back on the bandwagon. God forbid they lose or else it’s a Canada Post mail box going through the window of Roots or Aldo on Robson. Grow the hell up people, it is just a game and why can’t you drive home and smash up your own hood?

Dude, where's my kid?

We were coming back from the island yesterday and were waiting to disembark. It was taking a really long time and finally this voice comes on over the P.A. "Would the parents of Michael, a 5 year old boy please come and pick him up from the Chief Stewards Office". There was a 2 minute pause and then they make the same announcement re: Michael again but also add in "And would the parents of Allana please meet her mid-ship by the snack shop". Two lost kids on one sailing? Never had that happen before. We continue to wait for these parents to 'claim' their children and marvel at how long it was taking Michael's parents to come find him. Third announcement "Nobody is leaving this ferry until the parents of Michael, a 5 year old boy, PICK HIM UP AT THE CHIEF STEWARDS OFFICE!!!". A few minutes later we are finally unloaded. Seriously, some people should not have children. There is no excuse for this one; you could ask any staff member where the chief stewards office is, there are signs pointing to it and sorry, if you want to abandon your kid so someone more responsible can take care of him, do not attempt to abandon them on a BC ferry as it holds hundreds of people up!

Sorry kiddies, lunch is not on me

I read this on the CBC site this morning and could not help but be annoyed: The Minister of Veterans Affairs has rejected a claim that his department had agreed to buy lunch for 3,600 students who are going to France to mark the 90th anniversary of the Canadian victory at Vimy Ridge. The students raised the money to pay for their travel and other costs for the trip. The trip’s head organizer Dave Robinson said trip organizers have had to come up with another $33,000 to pay for the lunches. The money was to have been used to buy the students souvenirs.

Are you kidding me??? If you can afford to get yourself on a plane to France, put your group up at a hotel and buy the rest of your meals while in France, can you not buck up the $9.16 for lunch on the day of the ceremony?? Are we going to be subjected to a report from some crying mother on tonight’s national news: “Oh, little Timmy was supposed to take part in the ceremonies at Vimy Ridge but in the interest of tax payers, they decided to not provide him with a lunch on the one day. I guess little Timmy isn’t going to be able to go to France after all boohoooohooo”. What a friggin’ joke, only in Canada.

We're #3

The 'Couv is the third best city to live in in the whole wide world. Two Swiss cities: Geneva and Zurich beat us according to an annual international survey published this week by Mercer Human Resource Consulting. We could have been ranked higher were it not for the copious amount of car thefts, meth heads, crack addicts, hookers, full-time protesters and crime in general. Ah well, we still beat Toronto and Seattle.

Lululemon is NOT a right

Just because you can cram yourself into a pair of size 10 Lululemon pants doesn’t mean that you should. I was in a curling bonspiel this weekend and there was a girl who was always playing in close proximity to me. She somehow got herself into a pair of black Lululemon pants and she was absolutely busting out of them. When she bent over they were stretched so thin that you could a) see that she was curling commando and b) had a crack on her that would make a plumber blush. Come on ladies, I know that spandex stretches but there are innocent people walking around out there who do not need to see this sight! Lululemon is not a right, it's a privilege.

Robin Hood of Espresso

So I’m in the Starbucks queue this morning and it seemed just like every other day until this guy walks in. He was wearing a very nice suit, had great hair and he strolled up to the shelves where they sell stuff and he picks up an espresso machine and bolts out the door! Sirens are blaring outside from fire trucks and there are people everywhere and he is flat-out running down Burrard Street with a frickin’ espresso machine in his arms with the chord flying behind him. Most customers stood there stunned, I of course was laughing and 2 of the staff attempted to run after the guy. They of course didn’t catch him because everyone walking down Burrard St. at 8am is wearing a nice suit but really, how many of them were carrying espresso machines? Personally, I would have gone for the funky Italian orange machine or even the hella kewl Saeco myself but he chose the cheap-o Krups espresso machine *shakes head*

I don't want no scrubs

Now, I have spent more than my fair share of time in the hospital in the last few years for various surgeries, consultations, etc. and I had it in my head that hospitals are a sterile place so that people do not get any sicker than they already are. Then why is it that as I walk to work every day, the nurses and doctors from St. Paul's hospital are wandering the streets and frequenting Starbucks wearing their scrubs with their stethoscopes still hanging around their necks? Perhaps this is part of the reason why we keep hearing stories about infections spreading in the hospitals...it is because of the cooties the staff are bringing in because they're too lazy to change into street clothes when stepping out for some java or a smoke!

Blog Thief

I obviously have readers in Kits now..Don't rip off my posts ya bastard!

http://www.arbutuswalktalk.com/ titled "Umbrella Etiquette Refresher" Saturday March 24, 2007.

Does it perhaps remind you a bit of my umbrella etiquette rant posted on November 10, 2006? Hmmm at least give me some credit! Oh, and the West End is where it's at, Kits is not half as kewl :P

Stop raining already

20 straight days of rain make JJ go crazy..Seriously, I cannot take this rain any longer and if I could afford to, I would fly to Antigua or Mexico for some much needed sunshine and vitamin D. I keep hearing "well, we do live in a rain forest afterall...". No we don't, we live in a goddamn city!

They say that we are only a few cm's short of breaking the rain record for the Couv...Last time you people taunted me with that wonderful statistic and I actually almost encouraged the rain, we fell short by 6 cm's...I was crushed. Oh, and Mark Madryga from Global news, you're such a liar..When you said that it would be 'light showers' for the last week you should have said 'torrential downpour' instead. Are you really a meteorologist or do you just play one on tv? Pleeeeease make the rain stop.

My Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I thought this was kinda fun, saw it on C.Y's blog.

Slutty Mommy Day

Thank Christ I got the hell out of Victoria before this sad day. It has been proclaimed Nelly Furtado Day in good ole’ Victoria today! Dear god…all I can really do is shake my head in disgust and be thankful she is not from Vancouver. Otherwise it would be her slutty mommy music on the radio ALL day long. Raw sewage, Nelly Furtado and Steve Nash…at least Steve Nash is kinda kewl.

Venice is Sinking

We went to the Spirit of the West show at the Commodore on Friday night to get into the Paddy’s Day spirit. The concert was fantastic, they played all of my songs and they came back for 2 encores. What is with people in this city though? It was not an all ages show, you had to be 19 (an adult!) to go to this show but of course, so many acted like complete idiots. Like, who crowd surfs at a frickin’ Spirit of the West concert?? We lost count at 27…There was this huge retaining wall and as soon as the surfers made it to there, they were literally smacked down by security guards and led outside. It got to the point that we were handing them to security as we were tired of being kicked in the head. Grow the hell up people. You wonder why city council cancels fun events every year, it’s because of idiots like you. If you can’t hold your liquor, stay home and don’t ruin the fun for the rest of us with your adolescent antics.

Colourful...and Lazy

Hang on, I am trying to work on my surprised face here. Can you believe it? Vandals have spray painted Vancouver’s beloved Olympic Countdown Clock *surprised face* Someone painted “Free Betty” in black paint all over it during the daytime yesterday. The message likely refers to the recent 10-month jail sentence handed down to Betty Krawczyk. She is the crazy hippie 78-year-old activist who went to jail over her objection to road construction at Eagleridge Bluffs in West Van (making the Sea to Sky highway less likely to kill foreign tourists during the Olympics).

Why keep this clock at ground level in front of the friggin' art gallery? I mean, we the people are paying 350K for 24 hour security and obviously, it ain’t working! We should put it on top of a building, float it on a barge out in the bay or better yet, remember that bus stop 2 years ago with that unbreakable glass? We should encase it in that! As Bruce Allen from CKNW said “If you can’t trust the populace to look after something, put it where they can’t get it. Isn’t that what our mothers did with the homemade chocolate chip cookies?”.

These anti-poverty, homes for all people should really stop protesting on a daily basis and take a peek at the jobs section in the Vancouver Sun…there are plenty of jobs out there and maybe they would have time to apply for them if they weren’t protesting 24/7.

Dog ate my fortune

So, I was at my mum and dad’s over the weekend and on the last night we ordered in some Chinese take away. I had just finished eating my fortune cookie and had put the fortune down on the coffee table to show my dad when all of a sudden Tasha (their Rottweiler) swooped down and ate my damn fortune! So does that mean that it won’t come true?

Balcony rapist should fall off the balcony

I have been following the Paul Callow story closely over the last week. Callow, known as the Balcony Rapist, has served his full sentence of 20 years in prison for a series of brutal, knifepoint sexual assaults on women in Toronto in the mid-1980s. Seeing as he was a native of BC, he was released in Greater Vancouver last week. He has already had to move 4 or 5 times as communities said “no way in hell can he live near us” and launched huge public protests. I am in full agreement that I would not want him living anywhere near me either. The kicker is this though, the parole board and every shrink who has ever talked to Callow says he is at a high risk of reoffending, he has not atoned for his crimes and he shows little to no remorse for what he did. How could they let this animal back into public when they all but said he will do it again?? Paul Bernardo will never see the light of day ever again and I think people like Callow should be in the same boat. I wonder if the parole officer who ultimately let him out would be willing to let Paul Callow rent out his basement suite with his own wife, mother and daughters in his home, hmmm.

No Time for the Olympics

For those of you not from Vancouver, I cannot even begin to describe just how bad the homeless situation here really is. It is absolutely out of control. People bus in from all over the country just to be homeless here. Also every time you turn on the tv in the Couv, there is some sort of protest taking place that more often than not centers around the social housing issue.

A few weeks ago the Olympic Committee unveiled this huge ass clock that serves as the official countdown to the Olympic and Paralympic games coming here in 2010. It was donated by Omega and although somewhat tacky, it does serve its purpose. The clock sits out in front of the art gallery so you could also call it art if you were so inclined.

Anyhow, so the homeless and homeless advocates are going apeshit over this goddamn clock now (are we really surprised??). They were protesting “Homes not Games” and a few got arrested trying to beat up the clock and throw eggs at it. So now the City of Vancouver (meaning you, me and the rest of the innocent taxpayers) have to shell out money via increased taxation to pay for round the clock ‘clock security’; the security costs are expected to come to an estimated 300K. And to think! That 300K could have gone toward the purchase and/or building of some decent social housing in the city instead of paying for a round the clock rent-a-cop to make sure you tards don’t destroy the stupid Olympic clock! Nice work as usual, idiots.

p.s. all credit goes to Mag for the awesome clock picture, ty ty ty.

C'est tout fucké

Last night we were taken to GM Place to see Van Morrisson play. I was more than happy to be subsidized as the tickets were 150$! The tickets themselves said that the start time was 7:30 PM, SHARP! I had never seen a ticket say that before so I figured that it would be important to be on time for this one.

We all arrived on time and who should sit directly in front of us? None other than BC’s former premier, Glen Clark! (the Fast ferries were allll him. Every time I drive in North Van and I see those Pacificat ferries just sitting there I want to kick a socialist..just kidding :P). I said hello to him and he seemed pleased that someone recognized him and did not have something snotty to say (mind you, I was thinking it, just not saying it).

So, the show starts a bit late and all of a sudden a band is playing, Van Morrisson walks onto the stage and they delve right into the music. No opening act, no hello, no nod, nothing…They play for just barely over an hour and then he just walks off!! He never said a word to the crowd, no thank you, no goodbye, just gone. People shouted for an encore for about 5 minutes and then the lights went off and back on and we were all told to go home. The 55 year old groupie sitting behind me who screamed “woooooo” every 17.5 seconds throughout the entire show seemed especially crushed. Even Glen Clark who is now making a huge salary working for Jimmy Pattison complained about the steep price of the ticket for what little show we got. Oh well, the 4 songs I recognized were played very well. So the rumour is true, Van Morrisson IS an asshole.

Chubby Bunny

Listen up! For those people who: slurp, chew with their mouth open, smack their gum, talk with food in their mouth and bite down on chips with their mouth still open, you should all be punished. I do not need to see what you are eating, I do not want to hear you talk with food in your mouth (do you know how gross it sounds?) and did you know that it makes you look like a goddamn hippo?? Especially in the office setting people…you truly disgust me and next time, your Doritos are going out the window, ya hear? I swear to god.

How Green is the Grass?

Some things I have noticed walking around the big bad streets of the Couv lately:

Why do girls (especially Asian girls) walk around carrying their lunches and spare shoes in paper bags from designer stores like Tiffany’s, Hermes, Gucci, etc.?

The ambulance who parks on Thurlow @ Robson every morning where it specifically says “No Parking” just so you can run into Starbucks to get yourself and your buddy a frappuccino. Not only are you are holding up traffic but you are also parked illegally and you take forever because you keep chatting up the baristas who are 20 years younger than you. And who drinks caramel frappuccinos with whipped cream at 8 a.m. anyway?

Metro newspaper lady on Bute and Robson. I walk by you every day and politely say “no thanks” to your rag of a newspaper. Your new tactic is to walk up to me and hit me in the shoulder with your paper; WTF is your problem anyway? I see you do it to others too, you should not work anywhere near people.

The garbage cans downtown with the little cup holder thingies to put aluminum cans and plastic bottles in (see picture above). Those are so the entrepreneurial hobos do not have to dig through the trash to get at those recyclables, they are not for you retards to put your discarded Starbucks paper cups into.

Narcissistic B-line people. Not all of us on the sidewalk are waiting for the loser cruiser. Step aside and let those of us taking the sidewalk home walk on the damn sidewalk, geeeez.

ESL students on Robson. You do not need to walk 6 abreast everywhere you go. I should not have to step out into traffic to get around you. Oh, a pick up your damn feet while you’re at it.

Bute St. liquor store alley lady with the kids BMX bike you so obviously ‘found’. If you hate your boyfriend sooo much and he is ‘such an asshole’ as I hear you shout every day, then dump him already. I hear you screeching and screaming at him every single day when all he is trying to do is get you out of the middle of the road. You are in the middle of a hissy fit every time I walk by you and you deal with your anger by either a) throwing your bike down in the middle of traffic or b) kicking the dumpster. Get some professional help or lay off the crack.

Scone Tease

Friggin’ Starbucks. They reel you in with tasty goodies, get you hopelessly hooked on something that you cannot get through your day without and then they take it away. I was so addicted to the new raspberry apricot thumbprint scones and now they are gone. They were only introduced last month and they have been yanked already. How could you do this to me Starbucks? Did you not see my pure glee once you handed that tasty treat over to me in that brown paper bag? It gave my morning a purpose and now you have ruined it; bastards.

Joined a Cult

I have always wanted a group to belong to, I mean reeeeally belong to... I have been cult-shopping for quite sometime now and I finally made the plunge and joined one that so far, has been going smashingly well; I bought a Mac!

My old Dell laptop had seen better days: it was slow, heavy and every time I played a cd, it would sound like a 747 taking off in my living room. I decided that enough was enough, I was going to buy a new laptop for myself. (Keep in mind that the old laptop was over 5 years old, it had a good life).

I shopped around for some time, waited for Vista to come out, went to store after store, read dozens of consumer reports and finally went with my gut instinct and bought a Macbook 15" widescreen. It was designed so a monkey can work it which is perfect for me as I am not tech savvy whatsoever. My IPod Nano and iTunes are in synch and eveyrthing just makes sense. From opening the box to set up, I was on the internet within 4 minutes and had nothing to install. Who knew computing could be so easy.

An Inconvenient Truth

So I was watching the CBC National news last night and towards the end there was a segment about reducing our C02 footprint. This week has been a complete news flurry re: global warming and how it really is all our fault (I thought we already knew that, but anyway). It started off interesting enough but then in true CBC fashion it moved to scare tactics and consulted with Fraser Institute-like organisations to obtain all of their information.

I am all for wind and solar power, turning down the heat, walking as much as possible, etc. I will not however do something like the 100 km diet where everything you eat must be locally grown within 100 km from your home because trucking and flying in food increases CO2 emissions; that’s just crazy talk.

There was a discussion of ‘offsetting’ your environmental missteps by calculating your C02 no no’s into something good for the environment. So, say I have to fly to Toronto for a business meeting. Well that produces a certain amount of C02 emissions and I can then calculate it and see that I should put about 80$ into something environmentally beneficial or sustainable such as wind or solar power, etc. Oh, but you can’t put it towards trees or reforestation because they say these are not sustainable due to logging (not a joke, one of the hippies actually said that). Same goes for driving your car, using electricity, etc. Sounds nice in theory but what do they want me to do? Walk to Toronto?? I mean, I could take the Greyhound but that is a diesel-guzzling bus and it idles all the time when picking and dropping off people (leaving a vehicle idling was a big no no on the World Wildlife Foundation top 10 list of things we are doing wrong).

I am all for the environment and I too am scared of global warming but what are we supposed to do? Quit our jobs because we cannot walk from Vancouver to Richmond (sorry but I cannot risk my C02 emissions footprint, I have to quit this job). Even though SiSi says that I am so going to turn into a Cat Woman in my dotage...eating frosting out of a can with thousands of cats and screaming at the tv, I cannot help but wonder just what in the hell are we supposed to do? I’m scared of global warming too.

http://www.canadafreepress.com/2007/global-warming020507.htm

Meth Princess

Oh my god I love browsing Craigslist sometimes:

I saw you on East Hastings Street Friday night around 8:30pm, you were playing with a piece of garbage and stomping your feet to the sound of a car's radio. I tried to start a conversation with you but you were very engaged with your piece of garbage. I found you delightful and would like to see more of you. I am not of the 'street variety' anymore but I have a bit of a fetish for 'riff raff' and find you to be one of the finest!

Location: E Hasting/Columbia

http://vancouver.craigslist.org/mis/271674160.html

Spilly Ninja

Most of you are probably not aware of this tidbit of information but I am in fact, part ninja. I can be unloading dishes from the dishwasher and drop a plate and BAM I can catch it midair and nothing gets broken. I never break glasses or mugs even though I almost drop them all because of my ninja skills. Many have complimented me on my lightening fast reflexes but one person in particular doubts my ninja lineage, and that person would be my man J.

I am like Batman….Normal most of the time but use my talents when need be. Batman saves people and I save dishes so yeah, I’m kinda like Batman AND a ninja.

Below is an actual MSN convo from today:
JJ: says:
what is Batman when he's not Batman? a millionare biz man or scientist??
SiSi says:
Millionaire biz man/philanthropist.
JJ: says:
excellllent, ty
SiSi says:
...although he does dabble in some crazy science experiments...but he gets help from Alfred, his man-servant.
JJ: says:
man servant? Alfred for scientist and Robin for Batman...how very gay
SiSi says:
No no no....Alfred is Batman/Bruce Wayne's Butler...also known as a manservant. He helps Bruce to create his gadgets.
JJ: says:
surrrrre he does
SiSi says:
But because Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire he gets some of his gadgets from other divisions of Wayne Enterprises that work on military contracts.
SiSi says:
But yeah...it's one big-ol kink-fest.
SiSi says:
Latex outfits and role-play.
JJ: says:
hmm I think I will go w/ the lego Batman pic for the good ole blog entry today...
JJ: gettin' me a Mac says:
ha ha you kill me

Without You, I Would Be Messy

I am a messy girl. No matter what I am eating I will leave some evidence of it because I am always dropping or spilling or knocking bowls/plates of food onto myself. Don't ask me how, it's a gift. You can't take me anywhere nice unless I am wearing all black! That was until my mum got me a Tide To Go stain remover stick for Christmas, boooya! Now I can eat everywhere and spill all I like. This thing is a godsend...thank you Tide Gods!

Hobo Sounds

The West End of Vancouver is like a hobo Mecca. They come from all corners of the Great White North for the mild weather, the fresh ocean air and the heaps of crap that fickle Vancouverites throw away. I must admit, I have been tempted a few times to jump into a dumpster myself to recover a thing or two that my neighbours have thrown out but I do only have 690 sq/ft so there is really no room for any dumpster booty, yaaaar.

The thing I like about West End hobos is that they all appear to enjoy beer as much as I do. They are always up for a pint even if it is 7 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, why the hell not right? They have their morning, afternoon and evening pow wow’s in the various courtyards and tiny parks accompanied by whatever is on the radio, good times.

Most come equipped with a sweet shopping cart: Safeway, London Drugs and the Liquor Store seem to be the stores of choice in our hood to score those from. One guy however stole one from the fancy schmancy yuppie Costco downtown…the kind where the wheels lock once you are out of the yellow line surrounding the place. He is one determined hobo though because even though the wheels do not roll, he drags that cart along swearing all the way, quite a feat to watch.

The rest wander around with boom boxes blaring all sorts of obnoxious tunes even if it is 6 a.m. on Saturday morning, I mean who wants to fish around in a dumpster while listening to the radio? Too many commercials if you ask me. My favourite is the guy who is always in the dumpster on Bute (by the smelly veggie market) who sings Marvin Gaye and James Brown tunes and who screams out “HEY! I like yer ass gurrrl!”. He yells it to all the ladies so we all feel a little more special on the daily walk to the office. When men walk by though he just yells “Hey man, that stuff be being MINE so watch out!”. Ahhh the West End, gotta love the hobos.

BC Ferries Fabricates Falseity

Saturday morning: I got up nice and early and made sure that I was on time for the ferry to the island to make it to my cousin D's bridesmaid dress pick out/try on day. I arrive there just in time and the ticket counter lady informs me that there has been a 'medical emergency' on board the ferry and that they had to turn back to Victoria to tend to the passenger. We were all informed that the ferry would be at least an hour late because of this.

Normally people get real pissy if the ferry is even 5 minutes late so I was beyond impressed that no one was bitching and whining about the inconvenience. However, in a group there is always at least one shit disturber who has to stir the pot and get everyone riled up over nothing. Our shit disturber was a middle-aged woman wearing a fuschia pink nylon track suit with a purple sweat shirt with kittens on it (they had those jewels in their eyes...like the ones Ivana Trump tries to pawn off on the home shoppers network). She was walking around mumbling about how this was a ploy by BC Ferries because the ferry has hit something again or has broken down and they just don't want us to know about it, etc. etc. She would not shut up. Finally this BC Ferries employee appeared in the middle of the crowd and shouted "Look, the gentleman had a heart attack, everybody calm down, the ferry will be here soon!". With that, everyone calmed down (even the shit disturber) and felt bad for the guy who had a heart attack.

I read the Victoria Times Colonist yesterday though and on the front page it mentions the Saturday morning ferry delay. Turns out the 'heart attack guy' was actually a 40 year old guy who tripped and wiped out on an arcade game because he was a klutz! Granted he got a nasty gash on his head and a wee concussion but seriously, did that require turning the ferry full of people back to Victoria to tend to? And why not tell us the truth? Seriously, when will they build that bridge? I am sick to death of BC Ferries and all of the crap that comes with it: Long waits, fare going up every single trip, awful White Spot food, shitty coffee, 9$ salads and Pacificats (the catamaran, whale-killing, log running-over ferries that were used for 5 months, stupid NDP).

Pet Peeve #506,702D

Not that I am some sort of linguistics professor or learned person but it really irritates me when people mispronounce everyday words. What bugs me even more though is when people try to add new age or foreign lingo into their speech and fu*& it up. This list will be ongoing I fear as people seem to have issues with the English language as we know it.

Experiment: It's pronounced "ex-pear-i-ment" NOT "ex-spear-amint".

Spearmint gum should never be pronounced "spear-a-mint" gum, there is no 'a' in the middle last I checked.

Espresso: "es-press-oh", stop telling me you love to drink "express-oh" every morning.

Pumpkin: try saying "pump-kin" instead of 'Punk-kin"...that is just childish not to mention annoying.

Etcetera: it's "et-cet-er-ah" not not not "ex-cet-tera", jeeeeeez people, come on!

It's Duct Tape, NOT duck tape

Ticklish: "tick-lish" NOT "tick-el-lish"

Epitome: "e-pit-to-mee" not "epi-tome"...stick to small words would ya?

Ex-pecially?? Do I have to spell this one out for you? *shakes head*

Did you know that only 1/7 can pronounce nuclear correctly? Perhaps I am exaggerating but man, it's a lot of you!

Your doctor gave you a perscription for what? Funny cause mine only give me prescriptions...

Creature this one's for you: Well: I do not think I need to spell this one out, it's pronounced, well, NOT "wool" ;) *how could I resist NOT adding that to my list??*

This list will be ongoing. JJ.

p.s. Si Si, thanks for the wicked title ;)

Creature alerted me to another one: Raspberry is not pronounced 'razzberry'

I See Dead People...and Winnie the Pooh

My cousin from Vic came over to the 'Couv this weekend with her hubby and stayed with us for the evening. We played some board and card games and ate copious of Thai food all in preparation for our Sunday morning visit to Body Worlds 3 at Science World. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_Worlds

Going on the very last day of the exhibit was slightly annoying because everyone in Vancouver was there but with a little patience and time, we were able to get up close and personal with loads of dead people encased in plastic. It was a really cool thing to go see and also sorta creepy. I had no idea we are all made up of so much and this exhibit showed it all in amazing detail...every tendon, vein...everything! Highlights include: the hella cool dad explaining what testicles are to his 3 young daughters pointing with curiousity at the guy with quite a pair and of course the stupid Latina who did not read the brochure or obviously have neither tv, radio or internet because she had to ask her boyfriend half way through if these were real people.

After the exhibit we were all starving so we headed off to Earl's where we figured they would have something to eat for everyone in the group. We were greeted at the door by no one other than Winnie the Pooh! This blonde waif of a girl was the hostess and she was wearing a long sweater (just barely covered past her butt), no stockings and little ballerina flats...Keep in mind it was -6 outside and she did a poor job of shaving her legs. Perhaps I am a little conservative on the fashion scene but I do not know anyone other than Winnie the Pooh who can get away with going out in public with only his shirt on!

Goddaym I love Rootbeer

had some @ lunch, have not had it in ages and ages and I forgot how much I love it.

Don't Choose a Bank Based on a Snappy Vest and a Cute Accent

I am not a fan of the big banks here in Canada so when it came time for the man and I to choose where to get our very first mortgage, I did not hesitate for a second and chose ING Direct. I know of several people who went through them and loved the bank, the low interest rates and everything else. I already have my RSP and savings account through them so I figured it would be easy sailing. Boy was I wrong!

Every single step with these guys has consisted of several heated phone calls, me questioning their competence and it ending up being their fault 100% and them having to fix something for us. First it was us trying to close the deal with our place , then it was adding insurance to our place, then it was them 'forgetting' to cover our City of Vancouver property taxes and now it has to do with our first time home buyer's exemption.

I faxed them the forms in late October and thought all was good. I got a bit worried in mid-November when I heard nothing back from them. I faxed it a second time and again, the fax receipt said 'received on their end'. I called them just to make sure and they were like, 'Nope, we haven't received anything from you, Yes you were dialing the right number. First Time Home Buyer's Expemption? What ch'yu talkin' bout?" I calmly explained what it was and they said fax it YET again. Well it turns out they received it but never faxed the forms to the BC government; nice. So I get hit with a 4420$ tax bill yesterday from the BC government saying my bank did not send the forms to them at all.

So I call ING again and ask "Why did you not fax my forms?". Laura-Leigh from ING got all defensive, shrill and cranky saying 'we did SO send them'. I asked her for the fax transmission receipt and she came back with 'You are not privy to such information!'. WTF? I am possibly on the hook for over 4K cause you're retarded? I don't think so. (and YES, she actually did use the word 'privy' and did say 'we did SO'....classy I know).

All sorted now thanks to Ron @ BC Small Business and Revenue (you THE man!) but man am I pissed at ING yet again!!!

Goes to show that one should not pick a bank based on a guy in a snappy vest who has a cute Dutch accent *sigh* What was I thinking? Save your money my ass....

Musings and Shame

Today is the day; Saddam Hussein is due to be hung before sunrise Iraqi time. This badass has been terrorising people for over 30 years and he is finally being brought to justice. I am not a fan of capital punishment so I am saddened it has come to this but such is the custom in Iraq so I say go ahead. He is a psychopath anyway who thinks he has done nothing wrong so leaving him to rot in jail is really just a drain of taxpayers money...and it would be our money seeing as it would be a UN jail most likely. Ciao Saddam.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6218245.stm

On the Shame side of things though I have a confession to make: I, JJ do hereby admit that I dig the new Justin Timberlake cd!! I am ready for all of your smartass, mean, laughing e-mails and comments but I just had to get that off of my chest. I have been losing sleep over this nugget of info and I have not been eating much. Perhaps telling you all this deep, dark secret I can now move on with my life.

Work place common sense

Fer Christ Sake, Stop Sniffing Already!!! There are how many of us cramped into this less than huge space? And I sit by your for what, 8 hours a day? I know you have the sniffles, Coworker A, B, C and D beside me know you have the sniffles, you know you have the sniffles and I see you have Kleenex on your desk so why don't you just use it already?!?!?! For the love of god, please blow your nose and stop sniffing every 4.5 seconds! Please :)

Raised by wolves, I swear.

Who needs Hilton & Lohan...Vancouver has it's own bitches!

So, now that I work in the rat race that is downtown proper my regular coffee routine just went from Yaletown 'laidbackness' to Bentall nightmare on a daily basis; I try to make the best of it by people watching and eavesdropping and noticing who is wearing the same suit 3 days in a row, yuck! (it's more common than you think)

Every single day it seems to be the same 20 of us in line patiently waiting to place our order with the far too chipper barista who cannot pronounce l's. So while I was waiting for my 'ratté the girl in front of me was waiting for her usual venti hot chocolate with a bit of whipped cream on the top. She is one of the nice people that frequent the daily queue and I actually enjoy her company as she does not push, chat on her cell phone or eat while waiting for her drink. She is a big girl though, not my place to judge, it could be a health issue afterall but she most certainly is a larrrge girl. So she picks up her hot chocolate and walks out and these two 30ish year old women roll their eyes at her. The shorter blone one says "As if she needs whipped cream on that..." and the cranky looking brunette says "As if she needs a VENTI hot chocolate either, moooo". Granted the girl was well out of earshot but still, that's a nasty thing to say! I asked the stout one how she would like it if we talked about her that way and she gave me a disgusted look and her cranky friend went "pfffft". The guy on the other side of me looks at me and says very loudly "It's always the ugly ones who have something to say, isn't it?". *insert Nelson laugher, HA HA*. Bitches.

Treeeee

I love my hood all the time but when I walked in the door last night and saw that my tree is all lit up for the holidays, I was sooo thrilled. Just had to share.

In keeping with the rantaliciousness of my blog though: why in the hell are stockings so dang expensive?? I had to replenish my supply seeing as my current ones look as if they were attacked by a moth colony. Holy moly expensive Batman...You can bet if men had to wear them that they would be dirt cheap. Grrrr.

And does anyone actually work at the Bay?? Why does it take me 20 minutes of circling/wandering/praying to find someone who will take my money? It's ridiculous.

Padre Taco

We have finally moved into our fancy, swank new office in Bentall II. I have a great view, a brand spankin' new office chair and a beautiful snowflake in my window that Tom made. No more F-bomb office with Ed and Adi though...now I sit with Mary and Tom (sales), Teresa (marketing) and Jorge and Dina (finance). Quite the mix of people but so far, it's good in the hood.

I went down to the food fair for lunch and gave Padre Taco a whirl. The menu looked decent enough and the food was nice and cheap. I just have one question: Why does V8 cost .50$ more than a can of pop? It's the same size, comes from a tin, is in the same fridge. Why charge MORE for the healthy alternative?? Perhaps they think only fat, non-health conscious people will want to eat tacos and burritos so why cater to the health folks and their V8 drinking ways when you can suck the chubby ones in with mexi fries and Cream Soda, hmmm.

Guest Rant: my good buddy, Drain.

After talking with A.W. for some time about what peeves us about people, I decided to spice up the old blog with some rants from a different perspective. A.W. aka Drain is my first guest poster ever. I encourage others to send me their rants and if they are any good, I'll post them!
_____________________________________

Hi JJ,

As we discussed, Lewis Black and his creative team asked me to come up with some material for his upcoming visit to Vancouver. It was not hard as there are sooooo many asinine, inconsiderate, lazy, selfish people in the Lower Mainland who thinks the world revolves around them. Of course, “certain “ groups or people seem worse than others but generally I think we can describe the whole melting pot as a freak show.

By no means are these points inclusive but I am using as a blueprint to get me started and there is no shortage of material.

So people have shown us how frigging stupid, inconsiderate, selfish etc. etc. they are in a few areas:

When driving you see all sorts of idiotic and selfish behavior.

When did using a turn signals and stopping for red lights (and yellows) become optional? And use of cell phones while driving only helps people avoid these tedious tasks. Not sure if this is plain stupidity or just laziness. But either way-you are idiots who make me want to become a cop so I can give you tickets and to piss you off.

The people who don’t bother to show a cursory thank you when you let them into traffic or to whom you yield to when coming the opposite direction down a narrow lane or street. A little thank you would be considerate. Just put up your hand Asshole or next time I won’t let you go…
And for those people who don’t know – when another driver flashes their lights-you can go. It’s just common sense, which obviously you don’t have.

Also, when turning left in an intersection why do some brain surgeons not move out enough so that they are not the only ones who can turn on the light-what about the people behind you or do you want to be the only one that gets to go through? So don’t be afraid to move out a little so other people behind you can inch into the intersection-once a driver is in the intersection he/she can proceed through the light. Your selfishness or ignorance slows traffic down and basically pisses off people in all directions.

Cyclists actually do belong on the road- the law is that you have to give them 3M room. Deal with it and please no more dirty looks for the cyclists just being on the road. It’s always extra special when drivers do this on a bike lane. Frigging idiots!

It’s always special when smokers toss their cigarette butts out the window. Especially when they land on other cars. So it’s basically, fuck the outside world as long as the inside of your car is not littered with the fucking things..right? right? Get a life!

And pedestrians-crossing streets in the dark, dressed in black, while it is raining…not a brilliant idea and please increase your sloooow shuffle while doing so. Also, no need to hurry up when crossing at a light when it has turned against you-don’t worry, nobody thinks it’s selfish…

Also, there are both streets and sidewalks on Granville Island. Pedestrians please use the correct one. Tourists aren’t the only ones (locals are pretty stupid also) wandering aimlessly along the roads and walking blindly into traffic. A few signs informing these rocket scientists the correct place to wander would be helpful. But just once I would like to teach them a lesson…like a video game…and clear them out….in my car.

And at the gym:

Love those selfish people at the water fountain who don’t mind having people wait for them while they fill their water bottle up to the very top. And then walk away so they don’t have to look at you. No amount of looking away will hide the fact you are a selfish prick… get it?

And of course those special people who walk around in a sweat dripped t-shirt and who don’t wipe down the equipment after they use. It is not cool to be walking around like that and you are a loser. Change your shirt you prick! You also stink….and various holes or baggy, old cotton t-shirts are not a fashion statement unless there is some sort of Mr. or Ms. refugee from Surrey contest coming up. And you are not hiding the fact you have an ugly and fat body either…..we can tell…really…..you are not fooling anyone.

Also, in what world do people not put away their weights or equipment after use? Please tell me because you can send these people there and they can go with the ones who don’t have the courtesy to ask to work in with you and who’d rather just sneak in when you just happen to look away. Brilliant strategy fuckwad and it would get you a bullet in the head if this were Iraq.

Also, there is no need to scrub everything over and over again when showering. Especially when people are waiting. These are not your personal showers where you can wring out every last second of maximum cleaning time in order to save a few pennies at home. Also, there is a reason for the no spitting, brushing, or shaving in the shower sign.

Miscellaneous observations.

Hope there is special place in hell for these inconsiderate people who:

Stay on the cell phone through a whole retail transaction. The clerk does not know how to deal with you and the people behind you just think you are a pompous prick who thinks they are better than everyone else. Trust us, you are not that important!

Don’t flush after using (taking a dump) a public toilet. Or piss all over the seat in a mens bathroom. That is just wrong and it really, really is socially unacceptable. Always such a nice present when opening a stall…

And smokers. Don’t light up right beside me and foul the clean air. And do not block building entrances. Some of us find the air you foul offensive. We just need a really good comment to put you into your place. You low lifes feel your right to smoke outweighs our right to breathe. Somehow, “ fuck you asshole “ does not cover it”

Love those people who spit everywhere. The nice touch is doing this after a clearing of the throat, which announces the person’s intention ahead of time.

Umbrella Etiquette. The purpose of the umbrella means you don’t need to walk under the awnings to stay dry. Unlike the people who don’t have umbrellas! Frigging stupid assholes!

On a more personal note-many thanks to ICBC for charging $35 to make a simple keyboard entry to cancel ones auto insurance. Who needs private insurance companies when government utilities can provide such service?

And special thanks to the Kerrisdale mom who has finally forced me to lose faith in the sensibilities of most people. A quick hint- when someone returns your lost wallet- it is common courtesy to at least thank the person responsible and give them a token reward for their time and effort-and a sideways glance that emotes disdain is not what I am thinking of.

Cross-eyed Goodness

This is not really a rant but more of a comment because it's not something one can help but I must mention it cause well, it's funny. Not sure why I am apologising but in this politically correct world and being Canadian, it's in my blood I suppose.

I go to this great little falafel joint for lunch now and then that's close to my work. The food is reasonably priced, the helpings are ginormous and there is almost never a line. Most of the girls at the counter are speedy and efficient, all except for 1. She is a nice enough girl, don't get me wrong but when I go up to the counter and see the cross-eyed girl, I know I will be leaving the place slightly annoyed.

First off, I hate HATE HATE when people give change the following way: They lay the bills out and attempt to stack the change on top of the bills. They hand you your change as it wobbles around like the tower of Pisa and 1/2 the time you catch it in such a way that you cannot get it into your wallet or else it will fall all over the place. Simon taught me that I should basically smack it out of their hand to teach them a lesson but this was loonies and toonies so I was not willing to take the risk (yeah Salad Loop @ Harbour Centre...the look on her face was priceless).

Change handling aside there is another issue with cross-eyed girl. She loads up the ginormous helping of falafel, salad, tzatziki/hot and whatever else sauce inside of it's styrofoam container and EVERY time (because of her cross-eyes I am assuming) she flips the container upside down when she puts it in the plastic bag so I can walk it back to my desk to eat it's falafely goodness. In tipping it upside down though it means that I have this oozing Midlde Eastern mess by the time I am back at my desk and the food is all mixed up. Grrrrrr.

Give her dish duty or something, I am tired of my lunch arriving looking like pig slop.

Armageddon

We had an absolutely shitastic storm last night/this morning here in Vancouver. Power was out all over the place, trees were down and worst of all, they placed a boil water advisory over the entire GVRD.

Our taps have been spewing this nasty brown, cloudy water since 7 a.m. We only drink bottled water at home anyway so I really didn't care one way or another...Well that was until I went to Safeway and attempted to go to Starbucks.

Safeway was complete mayhem: old people everywhere, 17 people fighting over the last 12 L Culligan water tank, a lady asking how to make Perrier water 'unfizzy' and a hippie dude talking about beaver fever and how we would all be sorry tomorrow. It was absolute chaos but also quite amusing. I managed to score a 1L bottle of Evian unscathed.

I then toddled on down to Starbucks for a wee latte. I went to the counter and placed my order and they then informed me that I could only have juice or one of those nasty cold frappuccino bottled things. I was like "wtf?" and they told me that they could not serve coffee because of the water advisory. I did however score a free coffee coupon for next time which almost made up for it.

I need caffeine; now dammit.

I'm Not a Racist But This Ain't Hanoi

Canada is known to be one of the most multicultural nations around but what else do we happen to be known for? That's right, politeness! Or at least I thought it was...

I was out today getting my talons filed down a.k.a. a basic manicure. I went to a little place that was closer to my home instead of my usual place seeing as the weather was less than stellar. The lady at the front desk seemed nice enough and the place was packed with business women so I figured, hey, this place must be allright.

So I was sitting down there getting my cuticles shoved back in the most fierce of manners when I started realising that not only were ALL of the nail techs jabbering away in Vietnamese, but they were also pointing not so discreetly at certain women and laughing, making lame impersonations, etc. Most women were too busy reading the tabloids or admiring themselves in the mirror to notice but for the 5 or so who were with it, we started looking at each other in a stunned sort of disgust mixed with slight amusement (seeing as the vain women were being mocked, not us).

I must have given my nail tech a bit of a snotty look or something because she leaned over and said "Oh don't worry, we are only talking of Vietnam cause we miss it sooo verrrry much". Yeah right, my ass you were.

Reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine was convinced that the Korean manicurists were talking about her. She knew that George Costanza's father, Frank, served in the Korean war and could speak the language so she convinced him to join her there and listen in to see if in fact they were mocking her in Korean. Turns out that yes, they were in fact making fun of her.

So, anyone speak Vietnamese?

Umbrella Etiquette

How about a little lesson in umbrella etiquette for all of those lacking a shred of common sense:

1. Do not walk around blindly with your umbrella held in front of your face expecting everyone else to move for you....I really hope you trip so I can laugh at your expense.

2. If three of you each with their own giant-ass golf umbrella insist on meandering side by side down the sidewalk, pick up the fucking pace. You're holding everyone up behind you and we don't want to step into the 2 foot deep puddles beside the curb just to get around your slow ass.

3. Go ahead and keep your umbrella up until the last second before you walk into my office building or Starbucks, but if you turn around and shake it off towards those of us behind you, i will grab it and shake my wet umbrella in YOUR face!

4. If your umbrella is in need of repair i.e. has a sharp pointy piece of metal at my eye level then suck it up princess, it's time to lay 10 bucks down on a new umbrella that doesn't impale innocent pedestrians you cheap dangerous mofo.

5. Awning or umbrella?...choose one and stick with it, douchebag.

Overheard in Vancouver

I blame the temperate weather, the former Social Credit party for letting the crazies out of institutions and the copious amounts of cheap mouthwash at the Army & Navy store for much of Vancouvers 'special' people on the streets but some of them are just so damn odd that I am left speechless.

For instance yesterday; I was walking home from work passing by the Granville St. skytrain station and this crazy old man was walking up to people and shouting "I killed my wife because she never listened!!". Yeah, um, ok...not sure what to say to you man but I am just gonna cross the street here and not make eye contact.

Then around 9:30 p.m. last night I went out for a late night hot chocolate with Jacob so we could bring it home and spike it with Bailey's for a wee nightcap. Outside of the liquor store there was this old dude with a guitar singing a very interesting song. I figure he got confused as he would sing one line from the Rolling Stones "Give Me Shelter" and then the next with Rolf Harris' "Tie Me Kangaroo Down" and kept going back and forth. It was friggin' hilarious and he actually had a few loyal fans enjoying the remix.

Gotta love the crazies. I will always remember my favourite encounter ever though, it was in Gastown and I was with Si Si (Simon). This very pregnant lady sauntered up to us with a cigarette in her hand and asked us for change. We politely told her no and she screamed/slurred at us "Fuck you...I'm drinking for two!" and hobbled off. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing...I had tears as I was holding it in till she was far enough away. Ahh the 'Couv.

West End Pirate

I wake up for work just after 7 am everyday. I am not sure about everyone else but my best sleep of the night is the 2 hours before my alarm rattles me awake.

There is this punkass who lives across the street and loves to park on the street right across from our bedroom window. He drives this ugly black truck with 2 huuuuuuge tail pipes, extra wide rear wheels and some lame-o pirate logos on the driver and passenger doors.

He likes to start his truck around 10 minutes to 6 a.m. on a daily basis. Keep in mind that within our one block there are probably at LEAST 2000 people living/sleeping there (a few small buildings and 3 Beach Tower towers). His truck sounds like some sort of cave dwelling beast from hell. He starts it up and it growls SO loud and he keeps gunning it to warm it up. Guaranteed it will stall and then he'll start it up again giving it even more gas until he tears off down the road. This ordeal lasts on average 2 minutes per morning

This pirate truck wakes Jacob and I up every day almost and I am sure it wakes everyone else up as well. WTF is up with this pirate fella anyway? Yeah, you the man with such a loud annoying truck in downtown Vancouver...Get a bus pass, fix your truck or do something cause I am beyond mad, now I'm just plain bitter and may have to do something to your precious pirate truck.