Musings and Shame

Today is the day; Saddam Hussein is due to be hung before sunrise Iraqi time. This badass has been terrorising people for over 30 years and he is finally being brought to justice. I am not a fan of capital punishment so I am saddened it has come to this but such is the custom in Iraq so I say go ahead. He is a psychopath anyway who thinks he has done nothing wrong so leaving him to rot in jail is really just a drain of taxpayers money...and it would be our money seeing as it would be a UN jail most likely. Ciao Saddam.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6218245.stm

On the Shame side of things though I have a confession to make: I, JJ do hereby admit that I dig the new Justin Timberlake cd!! I am ready for all of your smartass, mean, laughing e-mails and comments but I just had to get that off of my chest. I have been losing sleep over this nugget of info and I have not been eating much. Perhaps telling you all this deep, dark secret I can now move on with my life.

Work place common sense

Fer Christ Sake, Stop Sniffing Already!!! There are how many of us cramped into this less than huge space? And I sit by your for what, 8 hours a day? I know you have the sniffles, Coworker A, B, C and D beside me know you have the sniffles, you know you have the sniffles and I see you have Kleenex on your desk so why don't you just use it already?!?!?! For the love of god, please blow your nose and stop sniffing every 4.5 seconds! Please :)

Raised by wolves, I swear.

Who needs Hilton & Lohan...Vancouver has it's own bitches!

So, now that I work in the rat race that is downtown proper my regular coffee routine just went from Yaletown 'laidbackness' to Bentall nightmare on a daily basis; I try to make the best of it by people watching and eavesdropping and noticing who is wearing the same suit 3 days in a row, yuck! (it's more common than you think)

Every single day it seems to be the same 20 of us in line patiently waiting to place our order with the far too chipper barista who cannot pronounce l's. So while I was waiting for my 'ratté the girl in front of me was waiting for her usual venti hot chocolate with a bit of whipped cream on the top. She is one of the nice people that frequent the daily queue and I actually enjoy her company as she does not push, chat on her cell phone or eat while waiting for her drink. She is a big girl though, not my place to judge, it could be a health issue afterall but she most certainly is a larrrge girl. So she picks up her hot chocolate and walks out and these two 30ish year old women roll their eyes at her. The shorter blone one says "As if she needs whipped cream on that..." and the cranky looking brunette says "As if she needs a VENTI hot chocolate either, moooo". Granted the girl was well out of earshot but still, that's a nasty thing to say! I asked the stout one how she would like it if we talked about her that way and she gave me a disgusted look and her cranky friend went "pfffft". The guy on the other side of me looks at me and says very loudly "It's always the ugly ones who have something to say, isn't it?". *insert Nelson laugher, HA HA*. Bitches.

Treeeee

I love my hood all the time but when I walked in the door last night and saw that my tree is all lit up for the holidays, I was sooo thrilled. Just had to share.

In keeping with the rantaliciousness of my blog though: why in the hell are stockings so dang expensive?? I had to replenish my supply seeing as my current ones look as if they were attacked by a moth colony. Holy moly expensive Batman...You can bet if men had to wear them that they would be dirt cheap. Grrrr.

And does anyone actually work at the Bay?? Why does it take me 20 minutes of circling/wandering/praying to find someone who will take my money? It's ridiculous.

Padre Taco

We have finally moved into our fancy, swank new office in Bentall II. I have a great view, a brand spankin' new office chair and a beautiful snowflake in my window that Tom made. No more F-bomb office with Ed and Adi though...now I sit with Mary and Tom (sales), Teresa (marketing) and Jorge and Dina (finance). Quite the mix of people but so far, it's good in the hood.

I went down to the food fair for lunch and gave Padre Taco a whirl. The menu looked decent enough and the food was nice and cheap. I just have one question: Why does V8 cost .50$ more than a can of pop? It's the same size, comes from a tin, is in the same fridge. Why charge MORE for the healthy alternative?? Perhaps they think only fat, non-health conscious people will want to eat tacos and burritos so why cater to the health folks and their V8 drinking ways when you can suck the chubby ones in with mexi fries and Cream Soda, hmmm.

Guest Rant: my good buddy, Drain.

After talking with A.W. for some time about what peeves us about people, I decided to spice up the old blog with some rants from a different perspective. A.W. aka Drain is my first guest poster ever. I encourage others to send me their rants and if they are any good, I'll post them!
_____________________________________

Hi JJ,

As we discussed, Lewis Black and his creative team asked me to come up with some material for his upcoming visit to Vancouver. It was not hard as there are sooooo many asinine, inconsiderate, lazy, selfish people in the Lower Mainland who thinks the world revolves around them. Of course, “certain “ groups or people seem worse than others but generally I think we can describe the whole melting pot as a freak show.

By no means are these points inclusive but I am using as a blueprint to get me started and there is no shortage of material.

So people have shown us how frigging stupid, inconsiderate, selfish etc. etc. they are in a few areas:

When driving you see all sorts of idiotic and selfish behavior.

When did using a turn signals and stopping for red lights (and yellows) become optional? And use of cell phones while driving only helps people avoid these tedious tasks. Not sure if this is plain stupidity or just laziness. But either way-you are idiots who make me want to become a cop so I can give you tickets and to piss you off.

The people who don’t bother to show a cursory thank you when you let them into traffic or to whom you yield to when coming the opposite direction down a narrow lane or street. A little thank you would be considerate. Just put up your hand Asshole or next time I won’t let you go…
And for those people who don’t know – when another driver flashes their lights-you can go. It’s just common sense, which obviously you don’t have.

Also, when turning left in an intersection why do some brain surgeons not move out enough so that they are not the only ones who can turn on the light-what about the people behind you or do you want to be the only one that gets to go through? So don’t be afraid to move out a little so other people behind you can inch into the intersection-once a driver is in the intersection he/she can proceed through the light. Your selfishness or ignorance slows traffic down and basically pisses off people in all directions.

Cyclists actually do belong on the road- the law is that you have to give them 3M room. Deal with it and please no more dirty looks for the cyclists just being on the road. It’s always extra special when drivers do this on a bike lane. Frigging idiots!

It’s always special when smokers toss their cigarette butts out the window. Especially when they land on other cars. So it’s basically, fuck the outside world as long as the inside of your car is not littered with the fucking things..right? right? Get a life!

And pedestrians-crossing streets in the dark, dressed in black, while it is raining…not a brilliant idea and please increase your sloooow shuffle while doing so. Also, no need to hurry up when crossing at a light when it has turned against you-don’t worry, nobody thinks it’s selfish…

Also, there are both streets and sidewalks on Granville Island. Pedestrians please use the correct one. Tourists aren’t the only ones (locals are pretty stupid also) wandering aimlessly along the roads and walking blindly into traffic. A few signs informing these rocket scientists the correct place to wander would be helpful. But just once I would like to teach them a lesson…like a video game…and clear them out….in my car.

And at the gym:

Love those selfish people at the water fountain who don’t mind having people wait for them while they fill their water bottle up to the very top. And then walk away so they don’t have to look at you. No amount of looking away will hide the fact you are a selfish prick… get it?

And of course those special people who walk around in a sweat dripped t-shirt and who don’t wipe down the equipment after they use. It is not cool to be walking around like that and you are a loser. Change your shirt you prick! You also stink….and various holes or baggy, old cotton t-shirts are not a fashion statement unless there is some sort of Mr. or Ms. refugee from Surrey contest coming up. And you are not hiding the fact you have an ugly and fat body either…..we can tell…really…..you are not fooling anyone.

Also, in what world do people not put away their weights or equipment after use? Please tell me because you can send these people there and they can go with the ones who don’t have the courtesy to ask to work in with you and who’d rather just sneak in when you just happen to look away. Brilliant strategy fuckwad and it would get you a bullet in the head if this were Iraq.

Also, there is no need to scrub everything over and over again when showering. Especially when people are waiting. These are not your personal showers where you can wring out every last second of maximum cleaning time in order to save a few pennies at home. Also, there is a reason for the no spitting, brushing, or shaving in the shower sign.

Miscellaneous observations.

Hope there is special place in hell for these inconsiderate people who:

Stay on the cell phone through a whole retail transaction. The clerk does not know how to deal with you and the people behind you just think you are a pompous prick who thinks they are better than everyone else. Trust us, you are not that important!

Don’t flush after using (taking a dump) a public toilet. Or piss all over the seat in a mens bathroom. That is just wrong and it really, really is socially unacceptable. Always such a nice present when opening a stall…

And smokers. Don’t light up right beside me and foul the clean air. And do not block building entrances. Some of us find the air you foul offensive. We just need a really good comment to put you into your place. You low lifes feel your right to smoke outweighs our right to breathe. Somehow, “ fuck you asshole “ does not cover it”

Love those people who spit everywhere. The nice touch is doing this after a clearing of the throat, which announces the person’s intention ahead of time.

Umbrella Etiquette. The purpose of the umbrella means you don’t need to walk under the awnings to stay dry. Unlike the people who don’t have umbrellas! Frigging stupid assholes!

On a more personal note-many thanks to ICBC for charging $35 to make a simple keyboard entry to cancel ones auto insurance. Who needs private insurance companies when government utilities can provide such service?

And special thanks to the Kerrisdale mom who has finally forced me to lose faith in the sensibilities of most people. A quick hint- when someone returns your lost wallet- it is common courtesy to at least thank the person responsible and give them a token reward for their time and effort-and a sideways glance that emotes disdain is not what I am thinking of.

Cross-eyed Goodness

This is not really a rant but more of a comment because it's not something one can help but I must mention it cause well, it's funny. Not sure why I am apologising but in this politically correct world and being Canadian, it's in my blood I suppose.

I go to this great little falafel joint for lunch now and then that's close to my work. The food is reasonably priced, the helpings are ginormous and there is almost never a line. Most of the girls at the counter are speedy and efficient, all except for 1. She is a nice enough girl, don't get me wrong but when I go up to the counter and see the cross-eyed girl, I know I will be leaving the place slightly annoyed.

First off, I hate HATE HATE when people give change the following way: They lay the bills out and attempt to stack the change on top of the bills. They hand you your change as it wobbles around like the tower of Pisa and 1/2 the time you catch it in such a way that you cannot get it into your wallet or else it will fall all over the place. Simon taught me that I should basically smack it out of their hand to teach them a lesson but this was loonies and toonies so I was not willing to take the risk (yeah Salad Loop @ Harbour Centre...the look on her face was priceless).

Change handling aside there is another issue with cross-eyed girl. She loads up the ginormous helping of falafel, salad, tzatziki/hot and whatever else sauce inside of it's styrofoam container and EVERY time (because of her cross-eyes I am assuming) she flips the container upside down when she puts it in the plastic bag so I can walk it back to my desk to eat it's falafely goodness. In tipping it upside down though it means that I have this oozing Midlde Eastern mess by the time I am back at my desk and the food is all mixed up. Grrrrrr.

Give her dish duty or something, I am tired of my lunch arriving looking like pig slop.

Armageddon

We had an absolutely shitastic storm last night/this morning here in Vancouver. Power was out all over the place, trees were down and worst of all, they placed a boil water advisory over the entire GVRD.

Our taps have been spewing this nasty brown, cloudy water since 7 a.m. We only drink bottled water at home anyway so I really didn't care one way or another...Well that was until I went to Safeway and attempted to go to Starbucks.

Safeway was complete mayhem: old people everywhere, 17 people fighting over the last 12 L Culligan water tank, a lady asking how to make Perrier water 'unfizzy' and a hippie dude talking about beaver fever and how we would all be sorry tomorrow. It was absolute chaos but also quite amusing. I managed to score a 1L bottle of Evian unscathed.

I then toddled on down to Starbucks for a wee latte. I went to the counter and placed my order and they then informed me that I could only have juice or one of those nasty cold frappuccino bottled things. I was like "wtf?" and they told me that they could not serve coffee because of the water advisory. I did however score a free coffee coupon for next time which almost made up for it.

I need caffeine; now dammit.

I'm Not a Racist But This Ain't Hanoi

Canada is known to be one of the most multicultural nations around but what else do we happen to be known for? That's right, politeness! Or at least I thought it was...

I was out today getting my talons filed down a.k.a. a basic manicure. I went to a little place that was closer to my home instead of my usual place seeing as the weather was less than stellar. The lady at the front desk seemed nice enough and the place was packed with business women so I figured, hey, this place must be allright.

So I was sitting down there getting my cuticles shoved back in the most fierce of manners when I started realising that not only were ALL of the nail techs jabbering away in Vietnamese, but they were also pointing not so discreetly at certain women and laughing, making lame impersonations, etc. Most women were too busy reading the tabloids or admiring themselves in the mirror to notice but for the 5 or so who were with it, we started looking at each other in a stunned sort of disgust mixed with slight amusement (seeing as the vain women were being mocked, not us).

I must have given my nail tech a bit of a snotty look or something because she leaned over and said "Oh don't worry, we are only talking of Vietnam cause we miss it sooo verrrry much". Yeah right, my ass you were.

Reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine was convinced that the Korean manicurists were talking about her. She knew that George Costanza's father, Frank, served in the Korean war and could speak the language so she convinced him to join her there and listen in to see if in fact they were mocking her in Korean. Turns out that yes, they were in fact making fun of her.

So, anyone speak Vietnamese?

Umbrella Etiquette

How about a little lesson in umbrella etiquette for all of those lacking a shred of common sense:

1. Do not walk around blindly with your umbrella held in front of your face expecting everyone else to move for you....I really hope you trip so I can laugh at your expense.

2. If three of you each with their own giant-ass golf umbrella insist on meandering side by side down the sidewalk, pick up the fucking pace. You're holding everyone up behind you and we don't want to step into the 2 foot deep puddles beside the curb just to get around your slow ass.

3. Go ahead and keep your umbrella up until the last second before you walk into my office building or Starbucks, but if you turn around and shake it off towards those of us behind you, i will grab it and shake my wet umbrella in YOUR face!

4. If your umbrella is in need of repair i.e. has a sharp pointy piece of metal at my eye level then suck it up princess, it's time to lay 10 bucks down on a new umbrella that doesn't impale innocent pedestrians you cheap dangerous mofo.

5. Awning or umbrella?...choose one and stick with it, douchebag.

Overheard in Vancouver

I blame the temperate weather, the former Social Credit party for letting the crazies out of institutions and the copious amounts of cheap mouthwash at the Army & Navy store for much of Vancouvers 'special' people on the streets but some of them are just so damn odd that I am left speechless.

For instance yesterday; I was walking home from work passing by the Granville St. skytrain station and this crazy old man was walking up to people and shouting "I killed my wife because she never listened!!". Yeah, um, ok...not sure what to say to you man but I am just gonna cross the street here and not make eye contact.

Then around 9:30 p.m. last night I went out for a late night hot chocolate with Jacob so we could bring it home and spike it with Bailey's for a wee nightcap. Outside of the liquor store there was this old dude with a guitar singing a very interesting song. I figure he got confused as he would sing one line from the Rolling Stones "Give Me Shelter" and then the next with Rolf Harris' "Tie Me Kangaroo Down" and kept going back and forth. It was friggin' hilarious and he actually had a few loyal fans enjoying the remix.

Gotta love the crazies. I will always remember my favourite encounter ever though, it was in Gastown and I was with Si Si (Simon). This very pregnant lady sauntered up to us with a cigarette in her hand and asked us for change. We politely told her no and she screamed/slurred at us "Fuck you...I'm drinking for two!" and hobbled off. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing...I had tears as I was holding it in till she was far enough away. Ahh the 'Couv.

West End Pirate

I wake up for work just after 7 am everyday. I am not sure about everyone else but my best sleep of the night is the 2 hours before my alarm rattles me awake.

There is this punkass who lives across the street and loves to park on the street right across from our bedroom window. He drives this ugly black truck with 2 huuuuuuge tail pipes, extra wide rear wheels and some lame-o pirate logos on the driver and passenger doors.

He likes to start his truck around 10 minutes to 6 a.m. on a daily basis. Keep in mind that within our one block there are probably at LEAST 2000 people living/sleeping there (a few small buildings and 3 Beach Tower towers). His truck sounds like some sort of cave dwelling beast from hell. He starts it up and it growls SO loud and he keeps gunning it to warm it up. Guaranteed it will stall and then he'll start it up again giving it even more gas until he tears off down the road. This ordeal lasts on average 2 minutes per morning

This pirate truck wakes Jacob and I up every day almost and I am sure it wakes everyone else up as well. WTF is up with this pirate fella anyway? Yeah, you the man with such a loud annoying truck in downtown Vancouver...Get a bus pass, fix your truck or do something cause I am beyond mad, now I'm just plain bitter and may have to do something to your precious pirate truck.

MOFO Squirrel

Our communal garbage is located outside of our building a floor down. I know, I know, not a huge trek but when it's dark and windy out or we are just plain lazy, we throw the garbage bag out onto our deck and take it out the next day.

I should say we USED to do this however now we have a new pain in the ass neighbour. He is our resident squirrel and he loves to rip apart our trash and spread it all over the damn deck. He especially loves to do this on mornings where you are already running late for work, mornings when it is pissing down rain and windy and other times that just don't fit into my or Jacob's schedule.

He is a cheeky bastard too. He'll sit on the fence and just stare at us making dinner or he'll watch Jacob BBQ (he's damn lucky I am vegetarian or he'd be next!). The other day we were sitting on the sofa having a beer and some dinner and we heard this *click click* sound followed by the sound of a trash bag being mangled and lo and behold there he was again! He did not run away or anything, he just stared at Jacob with a 'WTF are you lookin' at' look on his face. Bastard squirrel.

No Speaka Da English

Ok, Sunday morning Jacob and I are pondering what to make for dinner. I decide that a nice pesto cream pasta would be great and Jacob agreed. We set off to Commercial Drive to get most of the stuff and decide to buy cream at our local Safeway so it would not spoil in the trunk of the car while we ran our errands.

Fast forward 3 hours....Safeway on Davie and Cardero. We look all over the dairy section (which is like 7 huge ass fridges) and we cannot find cream. We hunt down a Safeway employee in his trademark red smock and ask him 'Hey, would you guys keep cream anywhere else but in the dairy section by any chance?'. He replies with a blank stare followed by "cream?". And I said, 'yeah, cream'. Followed by yet another blank stare and some stammering. Finally I say, 'you know, cream. It's between buttermilk and milk. You know, like milk but thicker...'. He had NO idea wtf I was talking about.

Who in the hell doesn't know what cream is?!?

WTF Helicopter??

The West End is normally a bit of a whacko place to begin with but come on, WTF is with all the low-flying helicopters late at night, every night? It can't be that friggin' Chopper 9 from CTV cause the news is well over by midnight on a weeknight. The Helijet to Victoria has gone to sleep by then. Perhaps it is taking sick people to the hospital and if that's the case, then it's ok but this one bastard is low-flying and circles our hood relentlessly. It has to be the cops, only the VPD could be this annoying...

Long and McQuade leather man

So, Harbour Centre food fair, the food fair that Si-si and I used to frequent. There was always this YMCA leather man-like guy who always ate by the A&W like, every single day. He is tall, has a moustache and was always in his uniform. We always said that he was Adrian's boyfriend cause once the guy winked at him and Adrian got all weirded out.

Anyway...I was in line at Safeway just now buying stuff for dinner and who was standing in front of me? Long and McQuade leather man!! He lives in my neighbourhood (and really, why should I be so surprised). Anyhow, I thought it was cool.

Best part of the evening however: we saw Punchy on the walk home hanging out in front of Mac's. He has the green sleeping bag out again...Autumn in in the air!

I am only setting this up for now so I can write snotty things to my sister on her blog

...nuff'said (for now)