‘Couv Labyrinth

I’ve lived in the ‘Couv for about 5 years now and I still always get Howe and Hornby St’s as well as Mainland and Hamilton St’s mixed up…please tell me that it’s not just me? I know that the place that straightens my fro is on either Hamilton or Mainland yet I always pick the wrong one when I get off the Skytrain and I know that the HSBC bank is either on Hornby or Howe but I can never remember which one. Luckily it only adds a block to my walking route either way but it’s still damn annoying.

I'm just saying...

Hoarders

Well, here is another show to add to my ‘not to watch before bedtime’ repertoire; I was flipping through the channels last night and accidently found this show called Hoarders on A&E. The man accuses me of being a packrat but the people on this show live literally meter deep in trash and rotten food. This one woman had to board up various parts of her home because her goats were eating through the walls via the outside thus exposing her to the elements. I sat there stunned and horrified that anyone could let their house get into such a state, I mean come on…the goats ate through everything and she didn’t even have running water for over 2 years.

Logtastic!

I took my work colleague from the UK along with me to a fabulous, west of Denman St. holiday party last night. Nick has been to Canada and the United States plenty of times before but this was his first experience with the Christmas Yule Log. He couldn't believe that we have a program on television that is all log, all the time in December and so we all spent some time excitedly explaining to him about the guy who pokes the fire and adds more logs to it and how his sweaters are different every year. I think that Nick thought that we were all pulling his leg when all of a sudden people started screaming "Loooook, he's poking the fire!" and everyone stopped their conversations to look for a wedding ring and to talk about his sweater choice for this year. I love how something as simple as a log can bring people together.

JJ as a black cloud

Sometimes one just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and today was definitely one of those days for me. I got off the train at Waterfront and was walking up Granville St. when I saw that there were cones all over the sidewalk as someone decided to smash the window of the pharmacy. I stood by the cones for maybe 2 seconds assessing the situation: will I have to cross the street or can I just walk around the cones and carry on my merry way on the side of the street that I want to be on? In the 2 seconds that it took me to make my decision, this old guy wielding an oxygen tank and a cane glares at me menacingly, grunts and shakes his cane at me to move out of his way to which I promptly screamed "Dude!" and flipped him the bird. The guy behind me burst out laughing and said "Bad day already?"...yeah, ya think?

Annoying people pet peeve number #BZ-56743

This pet peeve would have to be people who only ping me to talk about themselves and their good news and can barely squeak out a “Well, how are you doing JJ?” Selfish people piss me off and don’t think for a second that I don’t realize you do this. Funny enough, but these are usually the very same people that when you do have good news of your own, you are too scared to tell them as you know that they will talk about you behind your back or find something negative in your news. This is the year when I will seriously stick to my plan of divorcing people who are lame and who suck what little positive energy that I have left out of me. This time I mean it.

As Canadian as Gordon Lightfoot

What could possibly be as Canadian as Gordon Lightfoot you may ask? Well, that would have to be politeness and honesty. I was walking into the Canada Line station after work today and there was a temporary sign placed at the bottom of the escalator by the fare machines announcing "There are fare checks going on today, please make sure to have your pass ready for inspection." Sure enough once you got around the corner there were transit police and cops standing there with their ticket books ready to catch fare jumpers. What other place in the world would be nice enough to warn you ahead of time that there are fare checks ahead? Ahhh Canada, you are too damn nice sometimes!

Pesto Justice

The Republic of East Vancouver is proving itself to be endlessly entertaining since I moved here a year and a half ago now. After a night of a few too many beers on a school night, I was inspired to try the $1.25 a slice pizza joint by the B-line stop on Main & Broadway (it was actually quite tasty and I have since had it sober!) I was patiently waiting for my slice of pesto 'zza when in ran a plain clothes police officer who was out of breath and red faced. He started yelling to everyone in the restaurant "Have any of you seen a Native guy, long black hair in a red hoodie come by here in the last few minutes?"

Lady in a Reebok pink jacket with a platinum blonde weave "You mean a guy, maybe Mexican or something in a blue jean jacket?"
Guy with nasty looking dreads and flip flops "I saw a guy in a red hoodie...but that was yesterday, man..."
Fresh off the boat shop owner "Maybe big guy? Yellow hair, old?"

JJ, clutching her pesto pizza, swaying slightly thanks to the pitchers on special with a mouthful of said pizza "You mean that guy?" The cop turned around and screamed "YES!! That's him!" and off he went after the guy that I had spotted darting across the street in front of a bus and before I knew it, he had tackled him onto the sidewalk and was shouting at him while cuffing him.

Just doing my part to keep the Republic safe ;)

N'oublions pas

Today is Remembrance Day here in Canada. The ceremony is basically the same every year but I always sit by the tv and am moved by the poems, the speeches and the stories of those who fought for our freedom. What really irks me as of late though are people who say that this day has no meaning for them as they are from some other country and didn't lose anyone in any of Canada's battles but you know what? The reason why you left your friends, family and everything that you had wherever you came from and picked up to come all the way to Canada is because of the veterans who fought in battles in some country that they may have never even heard of before. The reason why Canada is the way it is today is because of these veterans and their sacrifices...sometimes the ultimate sacrifice which was their life just so that you and I can live here in peace with freedoms that do not exist anywhere else. I am not only thankful today but everyday to call Canada my home.

Flu shot mayhem

I am often labeled as a pessimist and for being too negative, I however prefer the label realist. Those who are in a panic about flu shots and H1N1 vaccines are really getting to me though. More people die from the day to day flu than anyone from H1N1 this year, the regular flu deaths just don't make the paper as no one cares. The panic surrounding this H1N1 virus is completely out of hand; you may feel like death for a week but most likely, you're gonna live if you are a fairly healthy adult to begin with. We are human, we're supposed to get sick once in a while, it makes us stronger for the next bug that is inevitably going to come along so stop using Purell and freaking out if someone on the train coughs. Washing your hands with soap and warm water do a great job and we all need bugs in our system, it's perfectly normal and we'll get over it eventually.

Girls Gone Wild

So I was watching lame late night tv this evening and one of those informercials for 'Girls Gone Wild' came on. I was sitting there wondering, say as some middle aged fella you decided to buy said DVD and you eagerly anticipate it's arrival in the unmarked envelope that will be at your door in 2-3 weeks. Joyous, happy day finally arrives and you rip open the envelope and pop in the DVD and wha??? That's your baby girl stripping at South Beach (the trip that you paid for as all her friends were going) for some beads and free tequila right there on the tape. I think that these tapes could lead to some fairly awkward family gatherings.

Canada Line whinging

Only in Vancouver would people find something so damn trivial to whine about. Come on people, we have this brand spankin’ new high speed transit option for us and what’s the first press that I read about it? People complaining that the signs for the exits are labeled as 'Way Out' instead of ‘Exit’. Are you freakin' kidding me? Have you ever traveled outside of North America? Or perhaps you are slow-minded and you think that ‘Way Out’ could possibly mean something else instead of the way out like oh I dunno, newspaper stand? Washrooms? Give your head a shake and find something worth complaining about already.

Johannesburg and T-berg

Because my regular GP up and abandoned his practice a year and a half ago leaving me sans doctor, I have no choice but to frequent the various walk-in clinics here in the Couv whenever I come down with something and am forced to queue with the sick masses. 99% of the time I have noticed, I end up with the most drop dead gorgeous looking doctors and most of them are South African for some reason (I get the political and safety reasons why they come here.) I must say though that I can’t friggin' wait for flu season this year!

Fly me to the food

We took a one hour flight from Cappadocia to Istanbul earlier today and I had to start rubbing my eyes and pinching myself when I saw a food cart full of both food and booze, this country rocks! In North America you can take a 5+ hour flight from Vancouver to Montreal and consider yourself lucky if you get water and a stale cookie.

This is the best Ramadan ever!

We were wandering around Istanbul this evening looking for some cheap beer as everything at the hotel is like 12 lira or something stupid; this is no easy feat given that it is Ramadan and all of the streets are poorly lit at best. We finally found a little grocer that had tons of beer, loads of selection and rock bottom prices. I had Turkish lira on me so I bought the beer and I guess being 'scantily' clad during Ramadan means free stuff cause the shop keeper kept smiling at me and giving me free gum, good deal! (Scantily clad meant shorts and a spaghetti strap top as compared to the veiled women outside of the shop, obviously not in the market for beer!)

What's your Nam song?

My buddy Si Si and I used to have without a doubt THE best lunch time conversations ever. One of our more memorable topics was ‘What is your Nam song’ as in, when you think of Vietnam, what song comes into your head. Si Si’s I believe was “Paint it Black” by the Rolling Stones whereas mine was “Fortunate Son” by CCR. I brought up the topic at the place where I work now and Rena’s Nam song is “Stop Hey, What’s That Sound” by Buffalo Springfield and Timo’s is “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane. So, what’s your Nam song?

More barnyard antics

Doors open, people get off, THEN you get on…it ain’t hard folks. I am sick to death of being rushed by people clambering to get onto the elevator at work or the Canada Line without letting people out first. Were you raised in a barn?

Ms. Fruit Fly

Happy Pride Week y’all! When I first moved to the ‘Couv, I wound up in the West End which just happens to be the gay area of the city. I like to think that my friends and acquaintances are all open minded and cool but of course, some people just aren’t which in this day and age, I find kinda shocking. I have had several people ask me or say behind my back “Why does JJ have so many gay friends?” to which I have to say, why the hell not? My stylish boys are there for me no matter what, they are amazing listeners, they are happy to go shopping with me and go for a beer on the patio afterward. We can chat about boys in a non-competitive atmosphere together which makes people watching on Davie St. that much more fun. Unlike most girlfriends, my boys have no issue being honest and telling you if something on your outfit is all wrong but they will always tell you when you are looking fabulous or what pants make your butt look awesome. My boys are hilarious, love to dance and I don’t have to worry that they are trying to get in my pants. So I will be wearing my dangerously short skirted costume and proudly marching in the Pride Parade with my friends again this year and I can only hope that people will one day realize that we’re all here on this earth just trying to get through another day: gay, straight or other.

The key to marital bliss

Well, besides separate duvets , it would have to be hiring a housekeeper! Pinkie came into our lives recently and I don’t think that I can ever go back now. Not that the man and I ever really fought about cleaning duties but we were spending too much of our free time cleaning the place and keeping it up to our high standards as we both hate a mess. She has an assistant named ‘Cherry Pie’ who reorganized our closets and our pantry to look like some sort of show home. Pinkie is a godsend and has freed up our evenings and weekends, woo frickin’ hoo life is good!

Who ya gonna call?

I had the best birthday ever this year! The ‘Couv aka the City of No Fun decided to bring in a huuuuge blow up movie screen to David Lam Park in Yaletown and have a free outdoor movie night under the stars. They showed Ghostbusters and hundreds of people showed up. The cops didn’t come to bust up groups drinking responsibly and everyone acted extremely neighbourly. It was a great night shared with fantastic friends, YAY!

Office spandex

Since when did spandex bike shorts become office appropriate clothing? I can see wearing them into work right after you stash your bike and then changing into something that won't scare your colleagues, but some of you insist on wearing them all day and show up to meetings in your scarily revealing spandex. Yuck! I think that I am going to hang bathrobes on the back of all the meeting room doors so that I don't have to be subjected to the horrific view anymore.

I lose things aka I am the luckiest bastard

I often do stupid things, we all do, but I think that Tuesday was one of my dumber moments. I had an appointment at St. Pauls at lunch time where I had to run on a treadmill like a rat for 45 long minutes while hooked up to all sorts of gadgets and chords. When I do this, I sweat, a lot...so I put my engagement ring aka really expensive solitaire diamond ring, into my wallet change purse for safe keeping. Once I got off the treadmill and somewhat caught my breath, I realised that I had to be back at the office for a 1pm meeting and it was now 12:51pm, crrrap! I ran outside, flagged down a cab, paid the guy cash and ran to my desk, making it just in time. I realised later that day that my bling was gone. I have a suitcase for a handbag so I figured it was somewhere in there, stay calm. After I got home I dumped and re-dumped my bag out over and over again to no avail, my ring was gone. I got maybe 20 minutes of sleep because I wasn’t sure how to tell the man what a tard I am. The next day I retraced my steps, filed a police report and came clean with my man (he handled it so well, said it was just an object and not to worry, awwwww, he’s the absolute best!) As a last resort I went on Craigslist and I saw an ad for a found ring. After copious e-mails back and forth, handing my gemological reports over to a jeweler to verify that the ring was indeed mine and meeting the angel at the community police station who found my ring in the cab that I dropped it in, I finally/thankfully have my ring back. My faith in humanity has been restored and I am so glad that there are good people left in the world.

Jacko ‘fans’

It’s funny how last week everyone thought that Michael Jackson was nothing but a washed up weirdo pedophile but now everyone is all distraught and can’t believe that the King of Pop is dead. The majority of you ‘fans’ are exactly like Canucks fans, fickle at best.

Toadstool

I arrived home this evening to see a massive toadstool in my houseplant, I felt so violated in my own home! We dug it out and hopefully it will not make a reappearance. I did some reading online and apparently this lunacy is normal?!? There is just something so damn creepy about fungi in your own home.

Have your cake and eat it too

Why do airlines assume that just because someone orders a vegetarian meal that by default, they must not like real desserts?? Vegetarians like cake too dammit, enough with the crappy ass fruit salad already.

Urban jungle

You try to blend in, pretending that you are one of us, quite stealthily that is, until you open your mouth and tell me how much you love expresso. I’m onto you suburbanite ;)

Who came up with that name?

We often watch the tv in our staff lunch room and I can't help but notice the various shitty daytime commercials on the CBC. There is one for this stairlift company that helps seniors unable to navigate stairs anymore get up and down the stairs safely. The strange thing is, is that the company is called "Acorn"...who in the hell came up with that name? Acorns fall...Eeesh.

I love you guys!

Some of you may have read about the saga of my beloved Cole Haan peeptoe heels and the Korean shoe repair bastard who ruined them. Well, I e-mailed the Cole Haan service department and told them the story, sent them the link to my blog post as well as 4 pictures of the heel damage. They were more than apologetic, said that the posting was ‘well-written and amusing’ and said that of course they stand behind their product. I had a brand spankin’ new pair of black peeptoe heels arrive at my office today, YAY *happy dance* Cole Haan friggin’ rocks long time, worth every penny.

Songs that I may or may not have been conceived to

So a group of federal Liberal party members and myself were sitting around at the pub today and the above topic came up (after many, many pitchers of beer mind you.) We all whipped out our mobile devices and started looking up the top songs the year before we were all born. To my shock/horror/amusement I realized that the top song around 9 months before my birth was “The Gambler”, by Kenny Rogers…dear lord is all I have to say on that one.

Name dropper

What is with people who insist of throwing out name brands with every day, common items? Some examples that I am sick to death of hearing are as follows: ‘I was reading the news last night…on my iPhone’ or ‘I drove down to Seattle for the weekend, in my Prius’. Why don't you just say that you were reading the news and saw something interesting or just tell me that you drove down to Seattle this weekend, what the frig is with the name brand dropping? About the only vehicle that you can get away with this name dropping shit is a Jeep because it is a breed all to itself. When you name brand drop to try and make yourself sound cooler, you end up sounding like a pretentious tool.

Ding dong the witch is dead

There is a god...My work nemesis, the one who makes me want to spontaneously shout out the 'c-word' in meetings, in the kitchen and in the hallways is finally gone. Coming into work already feels so much better. There is no stress, everyone is smiling and the sun is shining. It’s truly amazing how one toxic personality can really bring an entire office down.

Japadog hair

Japadog has always been outside of the Sutton hotel but a second location has opened right across the street from my office tower which is bloody fantastic if you ask me. For my non-Vancouver readers, Japadog is quite possibly the world’s best hotdog stand ever! I love the veggie dogs with seaweed and wasabi mayo, mmmm. So I walked into work today with my hair tied back into a ponytail and my colleague Anton says “Oh look, you have your Japadog hair today!” Am I that predictable? It is a total bitch getting wasabi mayo out of your hair, trust me.

And so the war begins...

Parsons Shoe Renew on Pender Street, you're going down. I used to recommend you to everyone telling them how awesome and speedy you were but you can forget that now. I brought in my priceless black patent leather Cole Haan peep toe heels in last week to get Topy’s put on the bottom and to get the heel tips replaced. The little Korean fella behind the counter calls me at work and says “If you pay in cash, I will give you a good deal.” Ok, I thought, why not? So I go to Parsons with 60$ cash in hand for the 50$ repair job and I am met at the counter by the little Korean fella who is all too happy to see my fist full of 20s. I look at the shoes and they look good so I hand over $60. He hands me back $10 plus a loonie, he says ‘to buy myself a drink’ (gee, thanks asshole, even a bottle of water is like 2 bucks downtown). He keeps saying over and over again “Don’t tell the lady that I gave you a deal, don’t tell her, ok? You promise?” I said yes, fine, I won’t tell and figured he was underpaid and pocketing the cash, whatever. Afterwards I realise I am probably actually being ripped off royally but as if I will ever find out. So I put my shoes on as I am going to an event that night and got half a block and then my heel snaps, muthafucka! I go back to the shop but he has now closed up and turned the lights off. Seriously…these shoes ain’t cheap and he fixed the heel, he must have done something to my shoes to make this happen, this is totally mental and I am pissed and he wants another $100 from me to fix this issue. Screw you Parsons Shoe Renew, it’s on…like Donkey Kong.

A scare at bedtime

I never learn. I really have to stop watching Mantracker before bedtime cause it tends to freak me right the fuck out. His gaze and how he just turns up out of nowhere never ceases to scare the crap out of me. Last night’s episode was hilarious because the male contestant was like “The Mantracker is a dick…I can totally beat him.” Well guess what? Buddy turns around and who is right frickin’ there? The Mantracker. Buddy screamed like a girl and ran towards the bushes ha ha.

Perfectly Marvelous

I got on the bus after a long week of work and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. The bus driver seemed a little more chipper than normal, ok fine, it is Friday, that’s cool. About 3 blocks into the trip, she starts belting out Broadway show tunes loud enough for me to hear them in the back of the bus. Then some crack whore sitting around mid-bus decides that all attention should be on her and not on the singing bus driver so she saunters up to the front of the bus and starts chatting up a blind guy sitting in the special sitting area by offering him half of her bakery loot (which amazingly, he accepted). I just shook my head and continued on reading the paper. 5 minutes later I decided to look up; the Cabaret tunes were getting louder and louder and now the crack whore has straddled the blind guy and is feeding him a chocolate muffin from her loot bag. Life would be so boring without public transit.

What the deuce?

Nothing in Vegas really surprises me anymore, well, until we got onto the Deuce bus after midnight tonight. This double-decker bus runs up and down the strip dropping everyone off at their various hotels. We were the first ones on and so of course claimed the best seats in the house. Everyone else on board pretty much were in their 30s and 40s and appeared to be re-living their teenage years, it was completely out of control. The woman behind us had a Sarah Palin/Fargoesque accent and kept shouting out all kinds of stupid crap i.e. passing Circus Circus she starts yelling “It’s slots of fun everyone!! Come on, let’s go…slots of fun.” Oh god, this place truly is like adult Disneyland at times.

Viva Las Vegas

I have never been to Vegas in my life and already after day number one, I am fed up with all of the bells, ringing, cigarette smoke and the mirages; everything looks to be just across the street but really it’s like a 25 minute walk away, frickin’ desert! The one thing that I cannot get over is how you can be wandering the casino floor at 1 am and parents are still gambling and dragging their toddlers and babies around the smoke-filled casino floor. One would think with such stellar examples of parenting that the casinos would be teeming with child welfare agents or something. It’s 1 am and your kid smells like booze and smokes, stop gambling for Christ sake and take junior to bed already, gawd.

Tapas piss me off

What the hell is the big freakin’ deal with tapas these days? They are fun and can even be somewhat practical when you have a group going out and you want to try a bit of everything but when it’s just the two of you going out for dinner, then it’s just a pain in the butt. When I go to a restaurant and I see that they only have tapas and that each tapas plate costs what a full meal should cost, then I get so mad, what a rip off.

Only in the 'Couv

The man and I headed down to Granville Island today in search of some smoked alder salt (don’t ask). As we drove down onto the island I looked to my right and took notice of all the social co-op housing there; all newish, waterfront and cheap. How is it that alcoholics, drug abusers and welfare mom’s get waterfront living for under $1,000 a month whereas I bust my ass off and live a clean life yet you can only see the water at my place if you stand at a certain spot in the room, tilt your head and have a clear sky. It just doesn’t seem right; our tax dollars at work.

Guilty pleasures

I saw the look that you gave me when I was rocking out to George Michael today, whatever. He’s rad, I love him and the fact that you hate him only makes me love him that much more.

WebMD nearly ruined my life

I know that I should take information that I find on the internet with a grain of salt but ever since my family GP up and fucked off without telling anyone and took all of our files with him, I have had to result to WebMD to do symptom searches to see if it’s worth my time to sit in the ridonculous walk-in clinic queue or not. Today I woke up and my face looked like a pumpkin, my face was totally swollen up and felt as hard as a wall. Well great, it is either: an allergic reaction, a tumour or a blockage. Well that’s just great WebMD, you have managed to scare the shit out of me once more. Just like when I got stung by a jellyfish in Dominica and the skin on my knee went all wonky for a few months.

Denied

Ticketmaster, you can seriously suck my ass. Rena and I were both logged into our accounts and clicked 'buy' at 10am PST sharp and you still denied us tickets to see our beloved Flight of the Conchords. Are you trying to tell us that all of these tickets sold out in less than 20 seconds? Faster than Madonna, AC/DC and every other concert that has come to our fair city? Seriously Ticketmaster, you guys blow and your online process is corrupt at best. Thanks for helping the scalpers out and hurting the fans you ass clowns.

If we took a holiday

Let me start off by saying that I am not a fan of 'the c-word' at all, but lately there is one person in particular in my office who reeeeeally makes me want to shout it out during a meeting or in the lunch room. I think that I need to get away to somewhere warm that serves drinks with umbrellas in them ASAP before I go completely postal.

Wii elbow

Just when I thought that I had heard it all, today I had a friend exclaim "I am sooo tired today...I was playing Wii for like, 2 hours yesterday...exhausting stuff". Dear...lord... You know that society is in some serious trouble when people cannot handle any physical exercise and they suffer from Wii fatigue. Pathetic.

Road work vigilante

I love our condo an absolute ton but ever since the city did some road work on Kingsway right outside of our building, I have been having homicidal thoughts due to the crater that they have created in the street. Most of the time cars avoid the lane with said crater but big trucks, no make that, HUGE trucks seem to prefer that outer lane for some reason. When they hit that crater, it sounds as if the truck is about to break apart and it leaves me feeling all rattled and angry. Lately I have been putting some serious thought into my plight. I know damn well that the city won't doing anything about the crater seeing as the Olympics/VANOC have spent all of our tax dollars; so my plan is to steal some traffic cones, run out into traffic late at night and set them up and pour some dirt or something into the crater and pack it in nice and hard. I may have to do this quite often but hey, I don't think that I can get arrested for it, it won't wreck the road and it may mean that I get some decent sleep past 5am when the Kingsway 500 starts up every weekday morning.

Office psycho

Read a very interesting piece about office psychopaths today so I thought that I’d share it seeing as I know so many of us work in an office setting. I literally got chills reading this article, it’s as if the author wrote it with someone I know in mind, freaky stuff. It's amazing how just one psycho in the office setting can really affect the entire place, powerful stuff and I have rarely seen the issue tackled properly. Then again, psychopaths apparently make up about 10% of the entire population.

I hate monkeys

I love the lunchtime conversations that I have with my work crew. Today I blurted out “I really hate moneys. Like, reeeeally hate them." Peter quickly piped up that he too hates monkeys because ‘they can rip off your balls and throw shit at you’. Totally. Perhaps it is because they are very human-like that they give me the creeps or perhaps it is because so many people think that they are cute when in fact, they can be quite vicious, I dunno, but I don’t like them one bit.

Hail to the Chimp

I have been waiting 8 long years for this day: Bush's last day in office, *hooray* (I have also been waiting quite some time to use this beauty of a pic!) It is truly the end of an era. An era of stupidity, scariness, fake weapons of mass destruction, a trigger happy Vice President, an entire generation of children being taught to pronounce 'nuclear' incorrectly... Hopefully the door hits you nice and hard in the ass on your way out. Oh, and can you please take Sarah Palin with you under whatever rock you scurry back under? Ta much Shrub, it's been a slice.