Too cool for school

Why do people ride their bikes around the big bad streets of the ‘Couv sans bike helmet? With the way people drive around here, you are basically asking for a free pass to GF Strong. I saw a guy today riding his bike past an alley near Burrard St. while messing with his MP3 player and he got smoked by a car coming out of the alley and went over the hood, ouch! Both were obviously not paying full attention to various goings on but the bike rider was not wearing a helmet and he’s lucky that he landed on his ass and not his head, idiot.

Goodbye

I received a call yesterday afternoon at work informing me that a very good friend of mine was found dead in his apartment on Tuesday morning. Not only was I shocked at the news of my friends passing but by the wording itself; most people say “passed away”, “no longer with us”, etc. but the way this news was delivered made it much more real and painful. As I walked home from work yesterday evening I reflected on our previous drinking holes, places we had all met up for coffee, apartments we drooled over imagining we were rich, arguing over who’s Vespa was cooler... Then it really hit me when I walked by the restaurant where we had celebrated his last birthday 2 months ago and I realised that there would be no more drinks on the patio together, no more MSN Messenger pep talks, no more hearing about the girl’s he was falling for and all I could feel was an incredible sense of emptiness and wonder why someone so young who loved life as much as he did was taken away. I am told that everything happens for a reason but it’s pretty hard to justify that right about now. C. we all love you, I hope you knew that. Miss you already, *hug*

Scare Canada

So yeah, we were bumped from our flight last night, given a few hundred USD each, put up in a hotel for the night and were compensated dinner last night. We were all moved to a direct Air Canada flight leaving at 7:20 am this morning back to Vancouver. The money was sure nice as it covered our b&b, food and shopping...not too shabby!

I have not flown Air Canada in quite some time but holy cheap piece of shit airline Batman...5.5 hour flight, NO meal service whatsoever and the only option food-wise was 7$: either a chicken fajita or a turkey swiss sub, both excellent options for a frickin' vegetarian, idiots. Had they told us there would be no food service, then I could have bought something but noooo, I was asked what sort of meal I wanted on the ground and got zilch in the air. Air Canada, you suck!

We are in with the Colombians

Pablo, the owner of the loft where we were staying has a girlfriend named Vanessa, from Colombia. She has this beloved cat named Chilca who lives in the flat and is friendly with everyone. She went missing sometime this morning and they were both devastated. We were talking with them about the cat but the time had come for us to grab a cab and get back to the airport. As I was telling them that the cat knows the smell of it's litterbox and maybe they should put it on the porch for her to come back, Pablo went running outside with her litterbox and Vanessa got on the phone ordering us a cab. Within 5 minutes a black Lincoln Towncar pulled up and took our bags...I was told to never take these pirate taxis as they can rip you off but this guy charged almost 20$ less than the cab on the way in and the ride was much nicer. Because of my cat fnding skills we are now 'in' with the Colombian cartel I think.

Cathay Pacific overbooked the flight back to Vancouver so us and 5 other people from Vancouver have been bumped and will have to take an Air Canada flight first thing in the morning, I shall keep you posted.

UPDATE: Chilca's back! Perhaps it was my litterbox trick or just some plain pure luck but the cat from the B&B in Brooklyn came back. The hosts e-mailed me the other morning thanking me for my cat finding trick as they found her meowing in her litterbox by the front door. Yes, I am the cat whisperer.

Broccoli & Ass...

...or, how in the hell do you fu&$ up a veggie burger? We wandered around NY like mofo's today going everywhere we could via subway and on foot. From Brooklyn to Soho, Nolita to Little Italy and Greenwich Village back to Midtown...you get the point. It was also pouring rain like we should start building an ark so when dinner time finally rolled around, we wanted to get in somewhere with no queue and just eat something! We were in Times Square and for some stupid reason, we chose to eat at Planet Hollywood. I ordered a veggie burger and waited patiently to chow down on this much deserved meal. When it finally arrived I stared down at it pensively...it appeared to have a very strange texture and was as green as the outside of a watermelon, how very odd I thought to myself. Anyhow, I took a bite of it and almost threw up on my plate, this was vile, this was ass. I choked down a bit more before I could finally convince Jacob to try it. We decided it tasted like broccoli and ass, it was the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. I told the waiter how bad it was and he came back about 5 minutes later and said this: "My manager says we are paying for your dinner this evening. He says that he hates this veggie burger too and is surprised you choked down as much of it as you did...". Gawd, then take it off the fu&*ing menu already!

No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

While in NYC, we are staying at a small artist loft/bed and breakfast in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (just across the bridge from Manhattan). When we pulled up late last night I was wondering what I had gotten us into just to save a few bucks; the place was full of graffiti, the addresses were painted on the brick and it looked very industrial. Luckily upon meeting the Argentinian owner of the flat, Pablo, we were reassured everything is safe and is in fact a great neighbourhood. The place is full of South American art and the llama blankets on the bed are also very cozy.

We were touring around Midtown today and Jacob remembered that he had left his knapsack in Starbucks oh only...37 blocks away! Somehow we hoofed it back on the subway faster than the Flash and made it back to the Starbucks in question and they had it safe and sound. Boy was he lucky! We should buy lottery tickets.

On a bonus note today, the man saw his first New York City subway rat! Now he can say that he has really seen the real NYC.

JFK is in my nightmares

So the man and I headed off to New York City this evening for a wee vacation. We joined a Cathay Pacific flight en route from Hong Kong to Vancouver with NYC being the final destination. For the duration of the entire 5 hour flight, we had a baby boy behind us and a baby girl in front of us screaming the entire flight: take off to landing and everything in between. One sounded as if it was being murdered and the other as if it were being boiled alive, it was truly awful and I felt bad for the parents, the babies themselves and all of us slumming it in cattle class. Once we landed at JFK we had to wait almost an hour for our luggage to arrive at the carousel. In the hour while we waited, we were hipchecked, kicked and stomped on by dozens of old Asian ladies running after their sacks full of heavy luggage, don't they have proper suitcases in China? Seriously, those sacks kept busting apart and that is what held the rest of us up.

Just can’t handle the jandal

It's an epidemic, I see women dressed impeccably from the ankles up, and then they're wearing flip flops. How can these people think flip flops look OK for anyplace except the beach??? There is a time and a place for them, and the office most certainly isn't it. Not only does it convey an unprofessional impression at the office, but the flips complete lack of foot support is bad for your feet and arches. Plus the slapping noises they make when people walk around the office is enough to drive anyone mad. So please leave your filthy flip flops at home and only bring them out for the beach. Trust me, no one at your office wants to see your dirty feet, nice pedicure or not.

Overheard in Fairport

My work colleague, Paul was telling me about an experience his wife had back in their hometown in New York State:

So Beth is walking past two guys sitting on a bench outside the Dollar Tree in Fairport, NY and overhears the following:
“I must have some kind of ‘dar. I attract retards.”

I have a ‘dar as well; I have a psycho ‘dar as I seem to attract various psychos on the Skytrain and everywhere else possible. Question is, what kind of ‘dar do you have?

Miso-Honey

Our American colleagues were in town throughout this week for work and we always try to show them a good ole’ Canadian time during their stays here in the Great White North. I need not mention the Roxy as that goes without saying but some memorable times last night over dinner at Coast include:

Ba-jah Fa-jit’ah’s…the waitress was asked to recommend a good appetizer and she couldn’t even pronounce “Baja” properly…whenever she walked by we made sure to pronounce the ‘j’ in words like Baja, fajitas, mojitos, etc.

One of the dishes on the menu was Miso-Honey Sablefish so of course we had to keep pronouncing it a la Full Metal Jacket “me so horny” became ‘me-so hhhhoney’

Reflecting upon our pal Amber who could not be here this trip re: the perfect woman according to Amber: “Mar’s legs, J.J’s ass and my breasts!”. We all chuckled over this and then Adi asks, “But with who’s brain?” and Paul W. answered “Mark’s!”. Laughter of course erupted (at least Mark laughed as well).

Paul W. upon realizing after all these months that I am a vegetarian: “J.J. you’re a vegetarian?? How could I not know? But you have the heart of a carnivore!”.

Of Seagulls and Trespassing

I was walking to work this morning and as I walked out of my building I could hear my neighbour shrieking and cussing somebody out. As I rounded the corner, I could see she was in her bathrobe chasing some old Chinese lady and her middle aged accomplice out of her yard. They were loaded down with Ikea bags full of bottles and whatever else they could scrounge out of peoples recycling bins. She chased them down Harwood Street, cussing and threatening them and they hopped into a decent looking BMW and took off. Granted it was not a new BMW but still, save the bottles for the real poor and stay the hell out of our friggin’ yards. Different story if it’s on the curb but if you have to scale a fence or open a gate, dude, that’s trespassing.

Don’t mess with me or I’ll hex you up

Si Si has an amazing ability to put hexes on people. When we put our offer on our condo, we lost out to another couple and I was beyond heartbroken. Si Si put a hex on them and 3 days later we got the call that their financing fell through and the place was ours. So I had him put his hexing ability to the test again the other day and voila, it worked again. The situation was a tough one and required some serious Si Si intervention and once again I am grateful for Si Si’s amazing powers.

Discoball

So I went for lunch today at the Discoball in Bentall (it’s actually called Fresh but because of the huge discoballs hanging from the ceiling, we affectionately call it Discoball instead). They were blaring some James Brown followed by some Bob Marley and as I was paying for my tomato garden burger and seafood pasta I couldn’t help but wonder what Rena was up to right now. Having a nap, walking around with her new daughter or just chilling at home…Rena if you’re out there, Discoball just ain’t the same without you *le sigh*.

Dea’s Big Adventure

Headed off on a wee cruise for my cousins bachelorette this weekend and I had a ball. Her co-workers are a lot of fun and it makes me almost wish I too worked in the travel industry! Anyhow, we drank our weight in vodka/soda, chi chi’s and blue Hawaiians and hit the dance floor with as much energy as we could give. I think it was a pretty good send off for Dea and I can’t wait for her big fat Ukrainian wedding in June.

The 2 hour queue to get to U.S. customs and the hour wait in YVR on the way back for Canadian Customs sucked though.

Splish Splash

Even though I am sitting at my desk completely soaked from mid-thigh down because of the torrential rain, I actually have something nice to say today; a big shout out to public transit! When walking to work, most of us are in a bit of a sleepy daze so I appreciated the busses honking at people to step back a bit from the curb or else they would get splashed. Thanks for looking out for us soaked, cranky and sleepy pedestrians. Yay public transit!

My other blog is a Lexus

I walk to work every day from the West End to downtown and back. As soon as I hit Burrard Street, a strange phenomenon begins…Whenever I have the walk signal, a Mercedes or a BMW tries to mow me down. It’s strange because these cars cost over 60,000$ each and yet they do not seem to come equipped with turn signals or drivers over 5 feet tall who can see over the dashboard. I am a pretty laid back pedestrian, that is, until you try to kill me when I have the right of way. Kudos to the lady who threw her coffee at the A-hole in the blue BMW convertible that nearly killed us on Davie St. this morning. You were talking on your phone, making an illegal turn on a red light and almost killed 5 people in the process…If I wasn’t so attached to my latté, it would have been 2 coffees going your way, retard.

The Dole ain't just for Pineapples!

I am having a really hard time stomaching the story of the conjoined twins in Vernon. They were brought into this world knowing full well that there was a very slim chance they would survive and even if they did, it would be a miserable existence. Their mother is a 21 year old welfare dependant drain on society who already has 2 young children and then she selfishly brought two more into this world. These babies did not ask to be born and I pity them and hope they are in no pain but seriously, what in the hell is wrong with this woman? I know plenty of people who cannot conceive and who are undergoing 10,000$ a pop in vitro treatments and are still not having any success. I swear, people should have to write a test in order to become a parent. I wish that my tax money was going towards those who actually need it and not to those who missed the grade 8 sex ed class on basic contraception. These babies deserve better.

p.s. Thanks to Si Si for the creepy ass picture and the wicked title ;)

Change can be good

Normally, I am opposed to change; why mess with a good thing? Well on Monday, they totally changed the format of my daily newspaper, the Globe and Mail. It now looks like a dumbed-down version of its former self and I think it sorta looks like a webpage. I must say I do like the new Globe though because they seem to have a new-found hate-on for Stephen Harper which I think is hilarious. It’s about time! I support anyone/anything/any paper that is trying to bring down this Conservative government...enjoy your minority government while it lasts Mr. Harper and start packing!

Random Haiku

What the fuck, future?

It's been over twenty years:

where's my hover car?!

Something about bees & honey & catching them

“Well... well look. I already told you: I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?” - Tom Smykowski, Office Space.

Some days I think that I should just stay in bed and not come to work; today is one of those days. Even though the above quote is about customers, my issue today is not with them but is actually about some colleagues who do not get the concept that you get more things (help, resources, etc.) if you are NICE to the person who holds what you need. What have you done for me lately? Exactly, nothing.

Turco, it's behind you

So the Canucks got lucky and after being scoreless in the last two games, they finally got around to winning the series last night. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them and it’s good for business in the ‘Couv but why can’t we admit that we got lucky? Naslund sucks for the most part, the Sedin twins (although my fave) are great but not for games 5&6 and Linden although a hero today will just go back to being the ‘old guy’ soon enough. Luongo is the best player we have, hands down, too bad his job isn’t to also score some goals! If we thought Dallas was hard to beat just wait for the Anaheim Ducks…should be an interesting series. My favourite Canuck team member is Obie, the orca blimp that drops coupons and gift certificates from his butt…he rocks, they should show more of him.

We play Country AND Western here

On the way home from the convention, we stopped in good old Merritt for some lunch. 3 gay guys, a black girl, me and Ryan sauntered into the Coldwater Pub amidst country music and a bunch of scary, poker playing rednecks. Among the tough looking cowboys were at least 2 heavily pregnant gals and a very interesting toilet roll holder (see below). Luckily we made it out in one piece even though I was sure there would be a brawl of some sort; we certainly got some interesting looks from the locals and we were very nervous as we choked down our food as quickly as possible!

Liberal and Will Travel

I attended the Federal Liberal Convention for BC and here is a lovely shot of the crew hanging out with Michael Ignatieff pre-hospitality suite; good times. Van Centre Represent!

Most who read my blog are not political so I will not bore y'all with details but here are a few things that made me laugh during question period:
- Will it kill bats?? re: nuclear power. "If we have nuclear power where will we store the waste? In caves? We can't have it in the caves because it will kill bats...we cannot kill bats" - crazy old man in the red fleece

- making the Port Mann wider vs. adding more rapid transit. "Don't you realise that Abbotsford is BC's fastest growing community? Soon we'll be the cultural hub. You people from Vancouver should have to drive out here for government services instead of us having to come to you; it just makes sense" - bat shit crazy man from Abbotsford

- a certain MP who introduced himself with a mouthful of food with mayo all over his chin, onion on his chin, not using a plate or a napkin...who voted for this pig? Seriously.

- Guy who thought he had an afro from P.G. "The mountain pine beetle is like, the biggest issue since like, Confederation"...yeah, whatever.

- Last but certainly not least; Orca: this guy stopped a room full of partying people as we all turned in horror as he ate his food; he made this wheezy breathing sound as he ate and he sounded like a friggin' orca!

Anyhow, we had a sweet condo w/ a hot tub and we had a blast. Why the Liberal party chose the only place in BC still experiencing flurries and cold I will never know but we had a blast.

Doom in Hope

So, Nicole, Ryan and myself set off this afternoon to Sun Peaks Resort for the Federal Liberal Party Biennial Convention. We stopped in Hope for some lunch at the Goldrush Pub and started looking for the friggin' Coquihalla highway as we got all turned around in Hope's massive city centre you see...But who do we see riding his bike up the highway towards us? The Doom guy! He used to hang around in Victoria when I went to UVic and then I always saw him by Pacific Centre when I moved to Vancouver.

Well, now he's hauling ass on the Trans Canada spreading the gospel of Jesus and Doom, sweet! We saw him approaching us, then he gave us a wave and left us with a sense of doom as he rode off eastward. He's one fit hobo.

Fu&#ing Iris

I bought a sweet pair of Maui Jim prescription sunglasses there a year ago (oh sorry, a year and 3 days ago). My eyes have changed significantly in the past year and I had new prescription lenses put in; sadly the frames came back all bent and kept falling off of my face. I went into Iris on my lunch break and told the lady what had happened and she said “These are not from here”. I told her to look it up on her computer and sure enough, I had bought them there but my warranty was up 3 days ago and so there was nothing she could do for me. I was hungry and cranky and I said, ‘Wow, I’ll never be back here again and I’ll make sure to spread the word about how you treat your customers’. Right away she snatched the sunglasses from my hand and tried to bend them back. She came back 4 minutes later and said that nothing could be done, they were ruined. Fu&#!!!

So, I sent them to an optician on the island that the man and I know (we went to university with her son). She fixed them for me at no charge and sent them back with a note saying “Any optician could have fixed these for you in 10 seconds. Hopefully this will work for you”. I now have sunglasses that fit again and I am happy as a clam thanks to Kim (you rock!). Stupid Iris, you guys seriously suck.

Shithawk

So the man and I took Hatchy to North Van to get him washed (Hatchy is the name of our car and yes, he's a hatchback). We left the car wash lookin' fine and sparkly. About half way over the Second Narrows bridge a shithawk flew overhead and crapped all over Hatchy. Jacob and I were swearing up a storm as we were the only car in heavy traffic to be shat on and we had just had him cleaned, grrr.

Canucks Nation?

So, tonight is the first night of the playoffs and as everyone in the ‘Couv knows, Vancouver made it in. We easily have the most fickle fans in the NHL though; Vancouver fans are known for booing the American anthem, throwing beer at the opposing teams and throwing garbage on the ice when we lose; yep, we’re a classy bunch. It’s no wonder that Mayor Sam Sullivan and the VPD are scared shitless about possible riots a la 1994 and other problems caused by mainly the bridge and tunnel folk (you know who you are…Surrey).

People wonder why we’re called the ‘city of no fun’, well it’s because a few idiots in the crowd ruin it for the rest of us. You gave up on the Canucks every time that they lost and proclaimed that they suck and now that they’re in the playoffs, you’re back on the bandwagon. God forbid they lose or else it’s a Canada Post mail box going through the window of Roots or Aldo on Robson. Grow the hell up people, it is just a game and why can’t you drive home and smash up your own hood?

Dude, where's my kid?

We were coming back from the island yesterday and were waiting to disembark. It was taking a really long time and finally this voice comes on over the P.A. "Would the parents of Michael, a 5 year old boy please come and pick him up from the Chief Stewards Office". There was a 2 minute pause and then they make the same announcement re: Michael again but also add in "And would the parents of Allana please meet her mid-ship by the snack shop". Two lost kids on one sailing? Never had that happen before. We continue to wait for these parents to 'claim' their children and marvel at how long it was taking Michael's parents to come find him. Third announcement "Nobody is leaving this ferry until the parents of Michael, a 5 year old boy, PICK HIM UP AT THE CHIEF STEWARDS OFFICE!!!". A few minutes later we are finally unloaded. Seriously, some people should not have children. There is no excuse for this one; you could ask any staff member where the chief stewards office is, there are signs pointing to it and sorry, if you want to abandon your kid so someone more responsible can take care of him, do not attempt to abandon them on a BC ferry as it holds hundreds of people up!

Sorry kiddies, lunch is not on me

I read this on the CBC site this morning and could not help but be annoyed: The Minister of Veterans Affairs has rejected a claim that his department had agreed to buy lunch for 3,600 students who are going to France to mark the 90th anniversary of the Canadian victory at Vimy Ridge. The students raised the money to pay for their travel and other costs for the trip. The trip’s head organizer Dave Robinson said trip organizers have had to come up with another $33,000 to pay for the lunches. The money was to have been used to buy the students souvenirs.

Are you kidding me??? If you can afford to get yourself on a plane to France, put your group up at a hotel and buy the rest of your meals while in France, can you not buck up the $9.16 for lunch on the day of the ceremony?? Are we going to be subjected to a report from some crying mother on tonight’s national news: “Oh, little Timmy was supposed to take part in the ceremonies at Vimy Ridge but in the interest of tax payers, they decided to not provide him with a lunch on the one day. I guess little Timmy isn’t going to be able to go to France after all boohoooohooo”. What a friggin’ joke, only in Canada.

We're #3

The 'Couv is the third best city to live in in the whole wide world. Two Swiss cities: Geneva and Zurich beat us according to an annual international survey published this week by Mercer Human Resource Consulting. We could have been ranked higher were it not for the copious amount of car thefts, meth heads, crack addicts, hookers, full-time protesters and crime in general. Ah well, we still beat Toronto and Seattle.

Lululemon is NOT a right

Just because you can cram yourself into a pair of size 10 Lululemon pants doesn’t mean that you should. I was in a curling bonspiel this weekend and there was a girl who was always playing in close proximity to me. She somehow got herself into a pair of black Lululemon pants and she was absolutely busting out of them. When she bent over they were stretched so thin that you could a) see that she was curling commando and b) had a crack on her that would make a plumber blush. Come on ladies, I know that spandex stretches but there are innocent people walking around out there who do not need to see this sight! Lululemon is not a right, it's a privilege.

Robin Hood of Espresso

So I’m in the Starbucks queue this morning and it seemed just like every other day until this guy walks in. He was wearing a very nice suit, had great hair and he strolled up to the shelves where they sell stuff and he picks up an espresso machine and bolts out the door! Sirens are blaring outside from fire trucks and there are people everywhere and he is flat-out running down Burrard Street with a frickin’ espresso machine in his arms with the chord flying behind him. Most customers stood there stunned, I of course was laughing and 2 of the staff attempted to run after the guy. They of course didn’t catch him because everyone walking down Burrard St. at 8am is wearing a nice suit but really, how many of them were carrying espresso machines? Personally, I would have gone for the funky Italian orange machine or even the hella kewl Saeco myself but he chose the cheap-o Krups espresso machine *shakes head*

I don't want no scrubs

Now, I have spent more than my fair share of time in the hospital in the last few years for various surgeries, consultations, etc. and I had it in my head that hospitals are a sterile place so that people do not get any sicker than they already are. Then why is it that as I walk to work every day, the nurses and doctors from St. Paul's hospital are wandering the streets and frequenting Starbucks wearing their scrubs with their stethoscopes still hanging around their necks? Perhaps this is part of the reason why we keep hearing stories about infections spreading in the hospitals...it is because of the cooties the staff are bringing in because they're too lazy to change into street clothes when stepping out for some java or a smoke!

Blog Thief

I obviously have readers in Kits now..Don't rip off my posts ya bastard!

http://www.arbutuswalktalk.com/ titled "Umbrella Etiquette Refresher" Saturday March 24, 2007.

Does it perhaps remind you a bit of my umbrella etiquette rant posted on November 10, 2006? Hmmm at least give me some credit! Oh, and the West End is where it's at, Kits is not half as kewl :P

Stop raining already

20 straight days of rain make JJ go crazy..Seriously, I cannot take this rain any longer and if I could afford to, I would fly to Antigua or Mexico for some much needed sunshine and vitamin D. I keep hearing "well, we do live in a rain forest afterall...". No we don't, we live in a goddamn city!

They say that we are only a few cm's short of breaking the rain record for the Couv...Last time you people taunted me with that wonderful statistic and I actually almost encouraged the rain, we fell short by 6 cm's...I was crushed. Oh, and Mark Madryga from Global news, you're such a liar..When you said that it would be 'light showers' for the last week you should have said 'torrential downpour' instead. Are you really a meteorologist or do you just play one on tv? Pleeeeease make the rain stop.

My Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I thought this was kinda fun, saw it on C.Y's blog.

Slutty Mommy Day

Thank Christ I got the hell out of Victoria before this sad day. It has been proclaimed Nelly Furtado Day in good ole’ Victoria today! Dear god…all I can really do is shake my head in disgust and be thankful she is not from Vancouver. Otherwise it would be her slutty mommy music on the radio ALL day long. Raw sewage, Nelly Furtado and Steve Nash…at least Steve Nash is kinda kewl.

Venice is Sinking

We went to the Spirit of the West show at the Commodore on Friday night to get into the Paddy’s Day spirit. The concert was fantastic, they played all of my songs and they came back for 2 encores. What is with people in this city though? It was not an all ages show, you had to be 19 (an adult!) to go to this show but of course, so many acted like complete idiots. Like, who crowd surfs at a frickin’ Spirit of the West concert?? We lost count at 27…There was this huge retaining wall and as soon as the surfers made it to there, they were literally smacked down by security guards and led outside. It got to the point that we were handing them to security as we were tired of being kicked in the head. Grow the hell up people. You wonder why city council cancels fun events every year, it’s because of idiots like you. If you can’t hold your liquor, stay home and don’t ruin the fun for the rest of us with your adolescent antics.

Colourful...and Lazy

Hang on, I am trying to work on my surprised face here. Can you believe it? Vandals have spray painted Vancouver’s beloved Olympic Countdown Clock *surprised face* Someone painted “Free Betty” in black paint all over it during the daytime yesterday. The message likely refers to the recent 10-month jail sentence handed down to Betty Krawczyk. She is the crazy hippie 78-year-old activist who went to jail over her objection to road construction at Eagleridge Bluffs in West Van (making the Sea to Sky highway less likely to kill foreign tourists during the Olympics).

Why keep this clock at ground level in front of the friggin' art gallery? I mean, we the people are paying 350K for 24 hour security and obviously, it ain’t working! We should put it on top of a building, float it on a barge out in the bay or better yet, remember that bus stop 2 years ago with that unbreakable glass? We should encase it in that! As Bruce Allen from CKNW said “If you can’t trust the populace to look after something, put it where they can’t get it. Isn’t that what our mothers did with the homemade chocolate chip cookies?”.

These anti-poverty, homes for all people should really stop protesting on a daily basis and take a peek at the jobs section in the Vancouver Sun…there are plenty of jobs out there and maybe they would have time to apply for them if they weren’t protesting 24/7.

Dog ate my fortune

So, I was at my mum and dad’s over the weekend and on the last night we ordered in some Chinese take away. I had just finished eating my fortune cookie and had put the fortune down on the coffee table to show my dad when all of a sudden Tasha (their Rottweiler) swooped down and ate my damn fortune! So does that mean that it won’t come true?

Balcony rapist should fall off the balcony

I have been following the Paul Callow story closely over the last week. Callow, known as the Balcony Rapist, has served his full sentence of 20 years in prison for a series of brutal, knifepoint sexual assaults on women in Toronto in the mid-1980s. Seeing as he was a native of BC, he was released in Greater Vancouver last week. He has already had to move 4 or 5 times as communities said “no way in hell can he live near us” and launched huge public protests. I am in full agreement that I would not want him living anywhere near me either. The kicker is this though, the parole board and every shrink who has ever talked to Callow says he is at a high risk of reoffending, he has not atoned for his crimes and he shows little to no remorse for what he did. How could they let this animal back into public when they all but said he will do it again?? Paul Bernardo will never see the light of day ever again and I think people like Callow should be in the same boat. I wonder if the parole officer who ultimately let him out would be willing to let Paul Callow rent out his basement suite with his own wife, mother and daughters in his home, hmmm.

No Time for the Olympics

For those of you not from Vancouver, I cannot even begin to describe just how bad the homeless situation here really is. It is absolutely out of control. People bus in from all over the country just to be homeless here. Also every time you turn on the tv in the Couv, there is some sort of protest taking place that more often than not centers around the social housing issue.

A few weeks ago the Olympic Committee unveiled this huge ass clock that serves as the official countdown to the Olympic and Paralympic games coming here in 2010. It was donated by Omega and although somewhat tacky, it does serve its purpose. The clock sits out in front of the art gallery so you could also call it art if you were so inclined.

Anyhow, so the homeless and homeless advocates are going apeshit over this goddamn clock now (are we really surprised??). They were protesting “Homes not Games” and a few got arrested trying to beat up the clock and throw eggs at it. So now the City of Vancouver (meaning you, me and the rest of the innocent taxpayers) have to shell out money via increased taxation to pay for round the clock ‘clock security’; the security costs are expected to come to an estimated 300K. And to think! That 300K could have gone toward the purchase and/or building of some decent social housing in the city instead of paying for a round the clock rent-a-cop to make sure you tards don’t destroy the stupid Olympic clock! Nice work as usual, idiots.

p.s. all credit goes to Mag for the awesome clock picture, ty ty ty.

C'est tout fucké

Last night we were taken to GM Place to see Van Morrisson play. I was more than happy to be subsidized as the tickets were 150$! The tickets themselves said that the start time was 7:30 PM, SHARP! I had never seen a ticket say that before so I figured that it would be important to be on time for this one.

We all arrived on time and who should sit directly in front of us? None other than BC’s former premier, Glen Clark! (the Fast ferries were allll him. Every time I drive in North Van and I see those Pacificat ferries just sitting there I want to kick a socialist..just kidding :P). I said hello to him and he seemed pleased that someone recognized him and did not have something snotty to say (mind you, I was thinking it, just not saying it).

So, the show starts a bit late and all of a sudden a band is playing, Van Morrisson walks onto the stage and they delve right into the music. No opening act, no hello, no nod, nothing…They play for just barely over an hour and then he just walks off!! He never said a word to the crowd, no thank you, no goodbye, just gone. People shouted for an encore for about 5 minutes and then the lights went off and back on and we were all told to go home. The 55 year old groupie sitting behind me who screamed “woooooo” every 17.5 seconds throughout the entire show seemed especially crushed. Even Glen Clark who is now making a huge salary working for Jimmy Pattison complained about the steep price of the ticket for what little show we got. Oh well, the 4 songs I recognized were played very well. So the rumour is true, Van Morrisson IS an asshole.

Chubby Bunny

Listen up! For those people who: slurp, chew with their mouth open, smack their gum, talk with food in their mouth and bite down on chips with their mouth still open, you should all be punished. I do not need to see what you are eating, I do not want to hear you talk with food in your mouth (do you know how gross it sounds?) and did you know that it makes you look like a goddamn hippo?? Especially in the office setting people…you truly disgust me and next time, your Doritos are going out the window, ya hear? I swear to god.

How Green is the Grass?

Some things I have noticed walking around the big bad streets of the Couv lately:

Why do girls (especially Asian girls) walk around carrying their lunches and spare shoes in paper bags from designer stores like Tiffany’s, Hermes, Gucci, etc.?

The ambulance who parks on Thurlow @ Robson every morning where it specifically says “No Parking” just so you can run into Starbucks to get yourself and your buddy a frappuccino. Not only are you are holding up traffic but you are also parked illegally and you take forever because you keep chatting up the baristas who are 20 years younger than you. And who drinks caramel frappuccinos with whipped cream at 8 a.m. anyway?

Metro newspaper lady on Bute and Robson. I walk by you every day and politely say “no thanks” to your rag of a newspaper. Your new tactic is to walk up to me and hit me in the shoulder with your paper; WTF is your problem anyway? I see you do it to others too, you should not work anywhere near people.

The garbage cans downtown with the little cup holder thingies to put aluminum cans and plastic bottles in (see picture above). Those are so the entrepreneurial hobos do not have to dig through the trash to get at those recyclables, they are not for you retards to put your discarded Starbucks paper cups into.

Narcissistic B-line people. Not all of us on the sidewalk are waiting for the loser cruiser. Step aside and let those of us taking the sidewalk home walk on the damn sidewalk, geeeez.

ESL students on Robson. You do not need to walk 6 abreast everywhere you go. I should not have to step out into traffic to get around you. Oh, a pick up your damn feet while you’re at it.

Bute St. liquor store alley lady with the kids BMX bike you so obviously ‘found’. If you hate your boyfriend sooo much and he is ‘such an asshole’ as I hear you shout every day, then dump him already. I hear you screeching and screaming at him every single day when all he is trying to do is get you out of the middle of the road. You are in the middle of a hissy fit every time I walk by you and you deal with your anger by either a) throwing your bike down in the middle of traffic or b) kicking the dumpster. Get some professional help or lay off the crack.

Scone Tease

Friggin’ Starbucks. They reel you in with tasty goodies, get you hopelessly hooked on something that you cannot get through your day without and then they take it away. I was so addicted to the new raspberry apricot thumbprint scones and now they are gone. They were only introduced last month and they have been yanked already. How could you do this to me Starbucks? Did you not see my pure glee once you handed that tasty treat over to me in that brown paper bag? It gave my morning a purpose and now you have ruined it; bastards.

Joined a Cult

I have always wanted a group to belong to, I mean reeeeally belong to... I have been cult-shopping for quite sometime now and I finally made the plunge and joined one that so far, has been going smashingly well; I bought a Mac!

My old Dell laptop had seen better days: it was slow, heavy and every time I played a cd, it would sound like a 747 taking off in my living room. I decided that enough was enough, I was going to buy a new laptop for myself. (Keep in mind that the old laptop was over 5 years old, it had a good life).

I shopped around for some time, waited for Vista to come out, went to store after store, read dozens of consumer reports and finally went with my gut instinct and bought a Macbook 15" widescreen. It was designed so a monkey can work it which is perfect for me as I am not tech savvy whatsoever. My IPod Nano and iTunes are in synch and eveyrthing just makes sense. From opening the box to set up, I was on the internet within 4 minutes and had nothing to install. Who knew computing could be so easy.

An Inconvenient Truth

So I was watching the CBC National news last night and towards the end there was a segment about reducing our C02 footprint. This week has been a complete news flurry re: global warming and how it really is all our fault (I thought we already knew that, but anyway). It started off interesting enough but then in true CBC fashion it moved to scare tactics and consulted with Fraser Institute-like organisations to obtain all of their information.

I am all for wind and solar power, turning down the heat, walking as much as possible, etc. I will not however do something like the 100 km diet where everything you eat must be locally grown within 100 km from your home because trucking and flying in food increases CO2 emissions; that’s just crazy talk.

There was a discussion of ‘offsetting’ your environmental missteps by calculating your C02 no no’s into something good for the environment. So, say I have to fly to Toronto for a business meeting. Well that produces a certain amount of C02 emissions and I can then calculate it and see that I should put about 80$ into something environmentally beneficial or sustainable such as wind or solar power, etc. Oh, but you can’t put it towards trees or reforestation because they say these are not sustainable due to logging (not a joke, one of the hippies actually said that). Same goes for driving your car, using electricity, etc. Sounds nice in theory but what do they want me to do? Walk to Toronto?? I mean, I could take the Greyhound but that is a diesel-guzzling bus and it idles all the time when picking and dropping off people (leaving a vehicle idling was a big no no on the World Wildlife Foundation top 10 list of things we are doing wrong).

I am all for the environment and I too am scared of global warming but what are we supposed to do? Quit our jobs because we cannot walk from Vancouver to Richmond (sorry but I cannot risk my C02 emissions footprint, I have to quit this job). Even though SiSi says that I am so going to turn into a Cat Woman in my dotage...eating frosting out of a can with thousands of cats and screaming at the tv, I cannot help but wonder just what in the hell are we supposed to do? I’m scared of global warming too.

http://www.canadafreepress.com/2007/global-warming020507.htm

Meth Princess

Oh my god I love browsing Craigslist sometimes:

I saw you on East Hastings Street Friday night around 8:30pm, you were playing with a piece of garbage and stomping your feet to the sound of a car's radio. I tried to start a conversation with you but you were very engaged with your piece of garbage. I found you delightful and would like to see more of you. I am not of the 'street variety' anymore but I have a bit of a fetish for 'riff raff' and find you to be one of the finest!

Location: E Hasting/Columbia

http://vancouver.craigslist.org/mis/271674160.html