Tapas piss me off

What the hell is the big freakin’ deal with tapas these days? They are fun and can even be somewhat practical when you have a group going out and you want to try a bit of everything but when it’s just the two of you going out for dinner, then it’s just a pain in the butt. When I go to a restaurant and I see that they only have tapas and that each tapas plate costs what a full meal should cost, then I get so mad, what a rip off.

Only in the 'Couv

The man and I headed down to Granville Island today in search of some smoked alder salt (don’t ask). As we drove down onto the island I looked to my right and took notice of all the social co-op housing there; all newish, waterfront and cheap. How is it that alcoholics, drug abusers and welfare mom’s get waterfront living for under $1,000 a month whereas I bust my ass off and live a clean life yet you can only see the water at my place if you stand at a certain spot in the room, tilt your head and have a clear sky. It just doesn’t seem right; our tax dollars at work.

Guilty pleasures

I saw the look that you gave me when I was rocking out to George Michael today, whatever. He’s rad, I love him and the fact that you hate him only makes me love him that much more.

WebMD nearly ruined my life

I know that I should take information that I find on the internet with a grain of salt but ever since my family GP up and fucked off without telling anyone and took all of our files with him, I have had to result to WebMD to do symptom searches to see if it’s worth my time to sit in the ridonculous walk-in clinic queue or not. Today I woke up and my face looked like a pumpkin, my face was totally swollen up and felt as hard as a wall. Well great, it is either: an allergic reaction, a tumour or a blockage. Well that’s just great WebMD, you have managed to scare the shit out of me once more. Just like when I got stung by a jellyfish in Dominica and the skin on my knee went all wonky for a few months.

Denied

Ticketmaster, you can seriously suck my ass. Rena and I were both logged into our accounts and clicked 'buy' at 10am PST sharp and you still denied us tickets to see our beloved Flight of the Conchords. Are you trying to tell us that all of these tickets sold out in less than 20 seconds? Faster than Madonna, AC/DC and every other concert that has come to our fair city? Seriously Ticketmaster, you guys blow and your online process is corrupt at best. Thanks for helping the scalpers out and hurting the fans you ass clowns.

If we took a holiday

Let me start off by saying that I am not a fan of 'the c-word' at all, but lately there is one person in particular in my office who reeeeeally makes me want to shout it out during a meeting or in the lunch room. I think that I need to get away to somewhere warm that serves drinks with umbrellas in them ASAP before I go completely postal.

Wii elbow

Just when I thought that I had heard it all, today I had a friend exclaim "I am sooo tired today...I was playing Wii for like, 2 hours yesterday...exhausting stuff". Dear...lord... You know that society is in some serious trouble when people cannot handle any physical exercise and they suffer from Wii fatigue. Pathetic.

Road work vigilante

I love our condo an absolute ton but ever since the city did some road work on Kingsway right outside of our building, I have been having homicidal thoughts due to the crater that they have created in the street. Most of the time cars avoid the lane with said crater but big trucks, no make that, HUGE trucks seem to prefer that outer lane for some reason. When they hit that crater, it sounds as if the truck is about to break apart and it leaves me feeling all rattled and angry. Lately I have been putting some serious thought into my plight. I know damn well that the city won't doing anything about the crater seeing as the Olympics/VANOC have spent all of our tax dollars; so my plan is to steal some traffic cones, run out into traffic late at night and set them up and pour some dirt or something into the crater and pack it in nice and hard. I may have to do this quite often but hey, I don't think that I can get arrested for it, it won't wreck the road and it may mean that I get some decent sleep past 5am when the Kingsway 500 starts up every weekday morning.

Office psycho

Read a very interesting piece about office psychopaths today so I thought that I’d share it seeing as I know so many of us work in an office setting. I literally got chills reading this article, it’s as if the author wrote it with someone I know in mind, freaky stuff. It's amazing how just one psycho in the office setting can really affect the entire place, powerful stuff and I have rarely seen the issue tackled properly. Then again, psychopaths apparently make up about 10% of the entire population.

I hate monkeys

I love the lunchtime conversations that I have with my work crew. Today I blurted out “I really hate moneys. Like, reeeeally hate them." Peter quickly piped up that he too hates monkeys because ‘they can rip off your balls and throw shit at you’. Totally. Perhaps it is because they are very human-like that they give me the creeps or perhaps it is because so many people think that they are cute when in fact, they can be quite vicious, I dunno, but I don’t like them one bit.

Hail to the Chimp

I have been waiting 8 long years for this day: Bush's last day in office, *hooray* (I have also been waiting quite some time to use this beauty of a pic!) It is truly the end of an era. An era of stupidity, scariness, fake weapons of mass destruction, a trigger happy Vice President, an entire generation of children being taught to pronounce 'nuclear' incorrectly... Hopefully the door hits you nice and hard in the ass on your way out. Oh, and can you please take Sarah Palin with you under whatever rock you scurry back under? Ta much Shrub, it's been a slice.

West End Tinder

As I was wandering through the West End today I had to ask myself: what were those people thinking back when they made all of the fire escapes on those older houses? Seriously, they are all made out of wood. Seems pretty dang stupid, doesn't it? Is there something that I'm missing here?

YAY!

Sometimes it's the little things in life that can bring us happiness. Take for instance when the Broadway B-line driver pulls up to the intersection at Granville and Broadway during a long red light and lets us off on the east side of Broadway so that we can all make our connection onto the Granville St. B-line much easier; you truly rock Mr. bus driver!

The Power of Suggestion

Grrrreat, thanks to reading my pal SiSi's blog, I now have the song "Funky Cold Medina" in my head. Can't....get....it.....out! Thanks buddy.

The Owl Scale

For those who know me at all, you know that when I’m hungry I get reeeeally owly in a hurry. There have been some memorable times/showdowns at Ikea and elsewhere all brought on by low blood sugar and the need for some food, quick! The man and I were discussing the owl scale the other night, basically if I am a bit hungry, I am a little owly/cranky but if I am starving then I am a raging bitch/full fledged owl and get snippity and sarcastic (yes, more so than normal!) I take comfort in knowing that there are others out there like me; Rena, my work colleague is similar when it comes to hunger and there have been a few times when we have had to snap at our lunch crew in order to get moving towards the food. Good times.

Slippity Slip

I know that it’s been snowing like a mofo for a while now but come on people, shovel your damn sidewalks already, I am tired of almost falling down and breaking something because you are a lazy mofo and can’t clear a 2’ by 10’ piece of your sidewalk. If you don’t do it while it’s still snow, then it’ll turn into ice and then the real fun begins for all of the innocent pedestrians. And for the record; people on the east side of 11th appear to be more diligent than the west side of 11th Avenue…one would think what with all of your fancy houses and cars over there on the west side that you could afford a friggin’ snow shovel from Crappy Tire.

Bus Ponderings

My morning bus rolls down Main St. and Hastings every day and I am always kind of amazed that when we pass Victory Park and the cenotaph, that the wreaths laid down on Remembrance Day are still all there. Hastings/Main is known to be the worst postal code in Canada yet the drug addicts, homeless and other crazies all seem to respect the cenotaph and the wreaths, good on them really.

Ghetto Santa

I trudged through the snow yesterday to get groceries at my beloved local mall; It’s technically called Kingsgate Mall but everyone lovingly refers to it as Hellsgate Mall because it’s pretty damn ghetto. I was stopped in my tracks though when I caught a glimpse of the mall Santa. He was perched on the shoddiest Santa chair ever surrounded by the most pitiful picket fence I have ever seen in my life; it’s like they pulled all the props for the area from a reject bin behind Goodwill or something. Santa’s beard was matted and nicotine stained; in fact, I think he is the dumpster diver that I see behind the Best Western most mornings…nice to see that they have hired locally. Anyhow, if you want this years Santa picture for your kidlets to be extra entertaining, bring them all down to my mall, it's well worth the drive!

Here fishy, fishy, fish

Since when did fishnet stockings become ‘office appropriate’ hosiery? I work in the downtown core and I am seeing a lot of fishnet as of late. They look cool for going out at night and all but in the office they tend to look a bit trashtastic. Unless you’re one of those escort lunch date with a CFO sorta girls, I’d leave them behind if I were you.

Heil birthday cake!

I am all for human rights but I am starting to see why some states chose the route of forced sterilization at one point in history. WTF were these parents thinking? Hopefully they are putting aside a little bit of cash from each welfare cheque for little Adolf to change his name when he is a bit older because I can see that name being a barrier to finding gainful employment. Hopefully his sister with the middle name “Aryan Nation” will fare a little bit better…

Strange Vancouverites

Umbrellas in the snow ranks right up there with another strange Vancouver tradition of those crazy ass full face visors that Asian people wear here all summer. Have people never heard of wearing a hat? It seems kind of absurd to walk around with an umbrella because of a few snowflakes falling from the sky doesn't it?

Shiny happy people

Typical 'Couv weather this morning, it was absolutely pissing down rain and the trolley bus pulls up with it's usual 'bus full' sign on the front, grrr. However today, a whole whack of people got off at Broadway so the bus driver actually let us board the bus, hooray! The bus driver greeted each and every person with a genuine "Hello, good morning" to which most people stopped in their tracks, rubbed their eyes and actually greeted him right back. People were thanking him as they got off the bus and nobody was pushing and shoving, I can easily say that it was the nicest bus ride I have had in ages. You rock Mr. Bus Driver, thanks for making our commute a nice one.

It just ain't right

This one should be filed under my 'what the fuck' file, if such a file existed. We were driving through traffic today and pulled up alongside a typical family minivan. Upon closer inspection though, I could see that besides a mom, dad and children in the van, there were those naked lady stickers plastered all over the sides of the family van, what the???

Zombie shuffle

Not many things are more irritating than hearing the sound of shoes dragging on the ground. Seriously, how lazy of a person are you if you cannot even pick up your own damn feet when you are doing one of the most basic of human functions? Is it really that hard to pick up your feet with each step? JESUS!!

Bad Chicken, Mess You Up

Ever since the Kingsway Honda dealership lit up their red sign next door, I feel like we’re living in the Seinfeld episode when Kramer commented on ‘heading back to the Red Planet’ when the Kenny Rogers Roasters turned on their sign with gigantic red neon chicken atop the roof. The bright red chicken light took its toll on Kramer's sleeping schedule so he switched apartments with Jerry. I think that I’ll just invest in some decent curtains seeing as there is no one in our building that I know well enough to propose such a solution to though; that or hang a huge-ass banner from my window protesting the dealership like Kramer did...

The Good Ole Proletariat Chariot

I take the bus to work every day. More often than not, it will be pissing down rain and the bus will go whizzing by my stop with the “Bus Full” sign on the front leaving us all stranded for another 10-20 minutes until another bus has room to cram us all on like sardines. To add further insult to injury, the bus sometimes has those cheeky-ass messages that only add to my rage as the bus goes flying by: Go Lions Go, Go Canucks Go, grrrrrrrrrr. And HEY, if you wear a backpack on the bus, you're an automatic asshole. Take it off already and stop hitting people in the face with your stupid crap.

Please take the time to add your name to this: http://www.morebusesnow.com/

It's Cashmere Ya Know

I get it, your new winter jacket is cashmere, oooooooh. But that tag on the sleeve that was there when you bought it is supposed to be cut off once you take it home from the store; instead, you look like a complete tool walking around with your “Hey! Wanna impress all your friends with this cashmere jacket?” tag still on.

East Van Anthem

Now that I live in East Van, I notice that people actually lock up their belongings with great fervor. But seriously, what is up with those car alarms that have like 4 different sounds? There is the traditional “beep, beep, beep” followed by the air raid siren sound, followed by the police siren’ish one and then it finishes up with the flock of Canadian geese sound. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Is that really necessary?

Hail to the Chimp

Yes, your life and your time are far more important than the server behind the counter getting your morning coffee for you, a-hole. On a nearly daily basis I am left shaking my head at people’s complete lack of manners and disregard for common decency. If you are being served by someone, hang up your damn cell phone already and talk to them like the human being they are, they not your servant and no one is impressed by your conversation; your cheap polyester suit already shows me that you are a complete wank at best.

Merci Québec

I am not going to rag on about the popular vote and how unfair first past the post can be as I will look like a huge whiner seeing as my party lost *sniffle* but I am going to give a huge shout out to Québec for saving us from a much worse fate. Last night Harper and his Conservatives came dangerously close to obtaining a majority government but thanks to our Québécois friends voting for the Bloc, Serial killer Harper is stuck with yet another minority government. I find it quite ironic that a sovereigntist party saved Canada yesterday but they did and we should all thank them profusely.

Dahmer burger

I was watching tv with the man last night when a commercial came on for A&W. They were introducing a new sirloin burger called “The Uncle Burger”. This adds to their ‘family’ line up of: Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Teen Burger, etc. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Is it just me or is someone at A&W a wee bit f’ed up? I think their product and branding managers are cannibals or something.

Post-debate Palin ponderings

Okay, I know that this will sound a bit catty but I'm seriously disappointed that Palin didn't completely crash and burn in the VP debates this evening. I wanted carnage and embarrassment on that stage tonight! And don't lie, you know that you wanted it too! Oh well. How in the hell can Sarah Palin be able to pronounce 'Ahmadinejad' but can't pronounce 'nuclear'? She is like a female Dubya but even dumber...who knew it was possible?

Initiative

A former work colleague of mine told me a story about his 10 year old daughter today that made me proud and restored my faith in the American youth of today. P. lives in New York state and his daughter has a pen pal in Scotland. On her own initiative this weekend after hearing about the possible financial bailout and about McCain for the past several weeks, she took it upon herself to search for real estate in Scotland in the same neighbourhood as where her pen pal lives. Friggin' hilarious! What parent wouldn't be proud of that? Cracks me right up.

I am so smart, S-M-R-T!

Despite me feeling like a total dumbass, I still have to say that it's nice to know that I live in a very safe building. I went out last night to a birthday celebration. I came in pretty late and locked the deadbolt in the apartment behind me. The man got up early to go get his hair cut and said "Come here, look what you did!" Well, I had indeed turned the deadbolt but I had not shut the door first so basically the door was wide open all night/morning, nice; I suppose I had a little more to drink than I had thought! No one walked in and took anything so I have to say that I feel pretty safe in our new digs!

Living la vida National Enquirer

People who talk about the stock market, bailout plans, interest rates, etc. as if they have some sort of actual knowledge of these things are coming out of the woodwork this past week. All of a sudden everyone and their dog are speaking out about their theory on the US economy. Did y’all get an economics degree, an international banking background and a degree in US history and politics since last week when I talked to you and you did not even know what a ‘greenback’ was? That or most of you are talking out of your asses (noooo that can’t be!). Either way, it’s becoming highly annoying. Oh, and for the last time, just because it was on CNN does not make it the gospel, mmmkay???

Coach intervention

Coach had a huge sale on this week at their store on Burrard Street. It was absolute mayhem: women everywhere grabbing at anything and everything, beautiful wallets and handbags at fire sale prices, ladies following one another to make sure they were actually buying the bag and not putting it back on the shelf, etc. It was a pretty fun way to spend a lunch hour really. I went there with my fave posse from work and we helped one colleague in particular as he shopped for a handbag for his very stylish wife. He had a hideous looking denim-esque Coach bag in his hand and we all saw it from different corners of the store and rushed in to tell him that it was ugly and to put it back. It was a true intervention and it was beautiful how we all came together to make sure that P’s wife did not get an ugly looking handbag, ahhh teamwork.

Crosswalks are bad

You know who you are *chirp, chirp*; do you push the walk button over and over and over again at an intersection every damn morning all the while that chirpy sound the button makes is driving everyone at the bus stop beside you absolutely bonkers? *chirp, chirp* Notice how people tell you to friggin’ stop doing that *chirp, chirp, chirp*, that it doesn’t make the light change any faster every single day *chirp, chirp*? You wear the same pink, ill-fitting jacket everyday so you’re pretty hard to miss. *chirp, chirp, chirp* For 3 straight minutes, every single weekday, you make me and everyone else at that bus stop want to slap you silly *chirp*.

Oasis Car Wash

Is it just me or does everyone at the Oasis Car Wash in North Van look like an escaped convict? We bring Hatchy there about once a month for a wash and a wax. The men there all wear orange jump suits, look scruffy, smoke heavily and they all have scary looking tattoos and piercings. It’s kind of a freaky looking place but man they do a good job and all for only $15.

Office Etiquette 101: Speakerphone & you

People who conduct loud conference calls on speakerphone without shutting their office door…Hellooooo, I too am trying to get some work done here. We get that you are trying to make sure that we all hear just how important you are but could you please close the damn door already so the rest of us can get some work done already?

Bus Batman

I seem to be on the same time schedule as the new vigilante of the #19 Stanley Park/Metrotown bus. He has taken it upon himself to educate the masses on the proper way to disembark on a bus. The other day a woman was holding her toddlers small little hand and was stepping off the bus at her stop. A pushy woman behind her decided that they weren’t moving fast enough so she slammed into momma and toddler which sent momma on her butt on the friggin’ sidewalk. Cue Bus Batman! He came flying off the bus slamming pushy lady into a tree and screamed “are you freakin’ kidding me??”. Pushy woman gets up looking all stunned while everyone on the bus cheered and those of us who got off at the same stop all gave Bus Batman fist bumps, booyah, in your face pushy people. Learn some goddamn manners already.

Wireless Wave sucks ass

I have been a loyal customer of Wireless Wave for about 10 years now, considering how they treat me though, I have no idea why. My Sony Ericsson cellphone is a complete lemon. When people call me, the line goes dead and I cannot restart the phone for about 30 minutes or so, piece of shit, no? I brought the phone in back in May and they ‘fixed’ it saying that it was a software issue. Fine, cool. Well, it started acting up again and I bring it back for the 2nd time and the gal at the counter argues with me saying I have never brought it in before. Umm WTF? I show her the service bill from May and her jaw drops and I’m like “so are you going to apologise for calling me a liar?” and she keeps opening and closing her mouth like a guppy. Customer service licks these days. Piss me off.

I wouldn’t even line my birdcage with it

Stephen Harper is such a dipshit that it's almost beyond beating a dead horse to say so. Calling him a fucking idiot is akin to saying that water is wet. It's like, DUH! What's the point in even saying it anymore? I have now received 5 flyers mailed to my home covering the topics of: safe injection sites, car theft, crime, etc. I am not ever going to vote Conservative and it pisses me off that my tax dollars are paying for these stupid ass flyers to be delivered to me. Piss off and how about putting my money towards something useful like hospitals, childcare and highways? I don’t want your conservative propaganda and frankly, you and your powder blue sweater vests scare me.

Hooked on fonix werked fer me

I read this interesting article in Time today. I am of the camp that believes that we should not bend in order to accommodate those who cannot spell. I work and correspond with people who cannot spell simple words on a daily basis; it is truly appalling. I am not talking about those who are 25 years and younger who were lucky enough to grow up with spell check as their bitch, but I am talking about those of us who actually learned how to spell but seem to have forgotten the basic, simple rules of the English language (those who are ESL or who have a learning disability are obviously exempt from my rant!). The one line that really got me in this article though was from someone complaining about how something as trivial as spelling can lead to someone not getting a job because of an error on their CV. Ummm so it should! If you are too damn lazy to manually spell check and review your CV then what kind of employee would you make? Probably a lazy and sloppy employee at best.

False advertising at its finest

Are you sure about that Greyhound? Do you maybe wanna retract that statement? Just a bit? I for one will never, ever be taking the bus again or sleeping on a plane.

Say wha??

This weekend was Pride week here in Vancouver. After marching in the parade we hit Davie Street by storm and enjoyed plenty of gin and laughs. Every bar that we went to though eventually played that song by Katy Pary, "I kissed a girl". I get it: it's Pride, it's a woman singing about kissing another woman but there is one line of the song that goes "I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it". Um girl, have you been livin' under a rock? Apparently 99% of men dream about their woman kissing another woman *shakes head* Where have you been??

Bridezillas take note!

Wedding season is upon us and everyone and their dog is tying the knot. I cannot believe that I have to even post this but when it comes to communicating your gift preferences through invitations, it is not at all acceptable to suggest, allude to or even hint about the type that you would like (or presume that you’re getting a gift at all). Never, ever; no exceptions!

If you are registered at a particular store (as I was for my very own wedding), or if your preference is for a cash gift, tell the women in your family and let them spread the word on your behalf so that you don’t look like a greedy, selfish little brat. I was aghast with an invite that I received last week; the bottom of the invite said “Cash gifts preferred”. This is the absolutely lowest place to go and you can guarantee that I’ll be giving them something other than cash just to spite them.

Seinfeld ponderings

When I’m not mind numbingly scrutinizing the daily stock ticker, getting riled about the fuel and food shortage while panicking about the impending collapse of the U.S. economy I’m usually looking back at things that happen during the day and comparing them to a Seinfeld episode. Does anyone else do this or am I completely off my rocker? Today for instance I was on the bus and this old man shuffles on board wearing goggles. It reminded me of the episode when George has his glasses stolen at the pool and had to walk around wearing his prescription goggles; wicked.

Baby got back

I can't stop thinking about a television show that I watched last night. There is a Brit show called “How to Look Good Naked”. It is a somewhat interesting show that basically tells chubby women how to wear pants that avoid muffin tops and that Spanx are a girls best friend…screw dieting and exercise, adore your curves is basically the concept. I had to cringe though as the Americans now have their own version hosted by that uber obnoxious, not to mention annoying guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Instead of the British show where the women are ‘real’ sizes (think US sizes 14+) the American show has women who are about a size 8 complaining about how fat they are and how unattractive they feel. Are you freakin’ kidding me?? Only in America.

Annoying Elevator Habits #1456-B

Pushing the ‘door close’ button like 27 times while the elevator is running up is both pointless and obnoxious. The doors are not going to open on us while we are mid-rise and the fact that you saw people running for the elevator and did not hold it open for them even though you were only going to the second floor pisses me off royally; what the heck is wrong with you anyway?

Forever angry

There is this chick who works in our tower and she is a fairly good looking girl except for one thing: her eyebrows. I guess she has tweezed the crap out of them over the span of her lifetime so now she has to draw them on. Thing is, she draws them in really thick and pointed downward so now she always looks pissed off, it’s pretty friggin’ hilarious if you ask me.