Bus Ponderings

My morning bus rolls down Main St. and Hastings every day and I am always kind of amazed that when we pass Victory Park and the cenotaph, that the wreaths laid down on Remembrance Day are still all there. Hastings/Main is known to be the worst postal code in Canada yet the drug addicts, homeless and other crazies all seem to respect the cenotaph and the wreaths, good on them really.

Ghetto Santa

I trudged through the snow yesterday to get groceries at my beloved local mall; It’s technically called Kingsgate Mall but everyone lovingly refers to it as Hellsgate Mall because it’s pretty damn ghetto. I was stopped in my tracks though when I caught a glimpse of the mall Santa. He was perched on the shoddiest Santa chair ever surrounded by the most pitiful picket fence I have ever seen in my life; it’s like they pulled all the props for the area from a reject bin behind Goodwill or something. Santa’s beard was matted and nicotine stained; in fact, I think he is the dumpster diver that I see behind the Best Western most mornings…nice to see that they have hired locally. Anyhow, if you want this years Santa picture for your kidlets to be extra entertaining, bring them all down to my mall, it's well worth the drive!

Here fishy, fishy, fish

Since when did fishnet stockings become ‘office appropriate’ hosiery? I work in the downtown core and I am seeing a lot of fishnet as of late. They look cool for going out at night and all but in the office they tend to look a bit trashtastic. Unless you’re one of those escort lunch date with a CFO sorta girls, I’d leave them behind if I were you.

Heil birthday cake!

I am all for human rights but I am starting to see why some states chose the route of forced sterilization at one point in history. WTF were these parents thinking? Hopefully they are putting aside a little bit of cash from each welfare cheque for little Adolf to change his name when he is a bit older because I can see that name being a barrier to finding gainful employment. Hopefully his sister with the middle name “Aryan Nation” will fare a little bit better…

Strange Vancouverites

Umbrellas in the snow ranks right up there with another strange Vancouver tradition of those crazy ass full face visors that Asian people wear here all summer. Have people never heard of wearing a hat? It seems kind of absurd to walk around with an umbrella because of a few snowflakes falling from the sky doesn't it?

Shiny happy people

Typical 'Couv weather this morning, it was absolutely pissing down rain and the trolley bus pulls up with it's usual 'bus full' sign on the front, grrr. However today, a whole whack of people got off at Broadway so the bus driver actually let us board the bus, hooray! The bus driver greeted each and every person with a genuine "Hello, good morning" to which most people stopped in their tracks, rubbed their eyes and actually greeted him right back. People were thanking him as they got off the bus and nobody was pushing and shoving, I can easily say that it was the nicest bus ride I have had in ages. You rock Mr. Bus Driver, thanks for making our commute a nice one.

It just ain't right

This one should be filed under my 'what the fuck' file, if such a file existed. We were driving through traffic today and pulled up alongside a typical family minivan. Upon closer inspection though, I could see that besides a mom, dad and children in the van, there were those naked lady stickers plastered all over the sides of the family van, what the???

Zombie shuffle

Not many things are more irritating than hearing the sound of shoes dragging on the ground. Seriously, how lazy of a person are you if you cannot even pick up your own damn feet when you are doing one of the most basic of human functions? Is it really that hard to pick up your feet with each step? JESUS!!

Bad Chicken, Mess You Up

Ever since the Kingsway Honda dealership lit up their red sign next door, I feel like we’re living in the Seinfeld episode when Kramer commented on ‘heading back to the Red Planet’ when the Kenny Rogers Roasters turned on their sign with gigantic red neon chicken atop the roof. The bright red chicken light took its toll on Kramer's sleeping schedule so he switched apartments with Jerry. I think that I’ll just invest in some decent curtains seeing as there is no one in our building that I know well enough to propose such a solution to though; that or hang a huge-ass banner from my window protesting the dealership like Kramer did...

The Good Ole Proletariat Chariot

I take the bus to work every day. More often than not, it will be pissing down rain and the bus will go whizzing by my stop with the “Bus Full” sign on the front leaving us all stranded for another 10-20 minutes until another bus has room to cram us all on like sardines. To add further insult to injury, the bus sometimes has those cheeky-ass messages that only add to my rage as the bus goes flying by: Go Lions Go, Go Canucks Go, grrrrrrrrrr. And HEY, if you wear a backpack on the bus, you're an automatic asshole. Take it off already and stop hitting people in the face with your stupid crap.

Please take the time to add your name to this: http://www.morebusesnow.com/

It's Cashmere Ya Know

I get it, your new winter jacket is cashmere, oooooooh. But that tag on the sleeve that was there when you bought it is supposed to be cut off once you take it home from the store; instead, you look like a complete tool walking around with your “Hey! Wanna impress all your friends with this cashmere jacket?” tag still on.

East Van Anthem

Now that I live in East Van, I notice that people actually lock up their belongings with great fervor. But seriously, what is up with those car alarms that have like 4 different sounds? There is the traditional “beep, beep, beep” followed by the air raid siren sound, followed by the police siren’ish one and then it finishes up with the flock of Canadian geese sound. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Is that really necessary?

Hail to the Chimp

Yes, your life and your time are far more important than the server behind the counter getting your morning coffee for you, a-hole. On a nearly daily basis I am left shaking my head at people’s complete lack of manners and disregard for common decency. If you are being served by someone, hang up your damn cell phone already and talk to them like the human being they are, they not your servant and no one is impressed by your conversation; your cheap polyester suit already shows me that you are a complete wank at best.

Merci Québec

I am not going to rag on about the popular vote and how unfair first past the post can be as I will look like a huge whiner seeing as my party lost *sniffle* but I am going to give a huge shout out to Québec for saving us from a much worse fate. Last night Harper and his Conservatives came dangerously close to obtaining a majority government but thanks to our Québécois friends voting for the Bloc, Serial killer Harper is stuck with yet another minority government. I find it quite ironic that a sovereigntist party saved Canada yesterday but they did and we should all thank them profusely.

Dahmer burger

I was watching tv with the man last night when a commercial came on for A&W. They were introducing a new sirloin burger called “The Uncle Burger”. This adds to their ‘family’ line up of: Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Teen Burger, etc. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Is it just me or is someone at A&W a wee bit f’ed up? I think their product and branding managers are cannibals or something.

Post-debate Palin ponderings

Okay, I know that this will sound a bit catty but I'm seriously disappointed that Palin didn't completely crash and burn in the VP debates this evening. I wanted carnage and embarrassment on that stage tonight! And don't lie, you know that you wanted it too! Oh well. How in the hell can Sarah Palin be able to pronounce 'Ahmadinejad' but can't pronounce 'nuclear'? She is like a female Dubya but even dumber...who knew it was possible?

Initiative

A former work colleague of mine told me a story about his 10 year old daughter today that made me proud and restored my faith in the American youth of today. P. lives in New York state and his daughter has a pen pal in Scotland. On her own initiative this weekend after hearing about the possible financial bailout and about McCain for the past several weeks, she took it upon herself to search for real estate in Scotland in the same neighbourhood as where her pen pal lives. Friggin' hilarious! What parent wouldn't be proud of that? Cracks me right up.

I am so smart, S-M-R-T!

Despite me feeling like a total dumbass, I still have to say that it's nice to know that I live in a very safe building. I went out last night to a birthday celebration. I came in pretty late and locked the deadbolt in the apartment behind me. The man got up early to go get his hair cut and said "Come here, look what you did!" Well, I had indeed turned the deadbolt but I had not shut the door first so basically the door was wide open all night/morning, nice; I suppose I had a little more to drink than I had thought! No one walked in and took anything so I have to say that I feel pretty safe in our new digs!

Living la vida National Enquirer

People who talk about the stock market, bailout plans, interest rates, etc. as if they have some sort of actual knowledge of these things are coming out of the woodwork this past week. All of a sudden everyone and their dog are speaking out about their theory on the US economy. Did y’all get an economics degree, an international banking background and a degree in US history and politics since last week when I talked to you and you did not even know what a ‘greenback’ was? That or most of you are talking out of your asses (noooo that can’t be!). Either way, it’s becoming highly annoying. Oh, and for the last time, just because it was on CNN does not make it the gospel, mmmkay???

Coach intervention

Coach had a huge sale on this week at their store on Burrard Street. It was absolute mayhem: women everywhere grabbing at anything and everything, beautiful wallets and handbags at fire sale prices, ladies following one another to make sure they were actually buying the bag and not putting it back on the shelf, etc. It was a pretty fun way to spend a lunch hour really. I went there with my fave posse from work and we helped one colleague in particular as he shopped for a handbag for his very stylish wife. He had a hideous looking denim-esque Coach bag in his hand and we all saw it from different corners of the store and rushed in to tell him that it was ugly and to put it back. It was a true intervention and it was beautiful how we all came together to make sure that P’s wife did not get an ugly looking handbag, ahhh teamwork.

Crosswalks are bad

You know who you are *chirp, chirp*; do you push the walk button over and over and over again at an intersection every damn morning all the while that chirpy sound the button makes is driving everyone at the bus stop beside you absolutely bonkers? *chirp, chirp* Notice how people tell you to friggin’ stop doing that *chirp, chirp, chirp*, that it doesn’t make the light change any faster every single day *chirp, chirp*? You wear the same pink, ill-fitting jacket everyday so you’re pretty hard to miss. *chirp, chirp, chirp* For 3 straight minutes, every single weekday, you make me and everyone else at that bus stop want to slap you silly *chirp*.

Oasis Car Wash

Is it just me or does everyone at the Oasis Car Wash in North Van look like an escaped convict? We bring Hatchy there about once a month for a wash and a wax. The men there all wear orange jump suits, look scruffy, smoke heavily and they all have scary looking tattoos and piercings. It’s kind of a freaky looking place but man they do a good job and all for only $15.

Office Etiquette 101: Speakerphone & you

People who conduct loud conference calls on speakerphone without shutting their office door…Hellooooo, I too am trying to get some work done here. We get that you are trying to make sure that we all hear just how important you are but could you please close the damn door already so the rest of us can get some work done already?

Bus Batman

I seem to be on the same time schedule as the new vigilante of the #19 Stanley Park/Metrotown bus. He has taken it upon himself to educate the masses on the proper way to disembark on a bus. The other day a woman was holding her toddlers small little hand and was stepping off the bus at her stop. A pushy woman behind her decided that they weren’t moving fast enough so she slammed into momma and toddler which sent momma on her butt on the friggin’ sidewalk. Cue Bus Batman! He came flying off the bus slamming pushy lady into a tree and screamed “are you freakin’ kidding me??”. Pushy woman gets up looking all stunned while everyone on the bus cheered and those of us who got off at the same stop all gave Bus Batman fist bumps, booyah, in your face pushy people. Learn some goddamn manners already.

Wireless Wave sucks ass

I have been a loyal customer of Wireless Wave for about 10 years now, considering how they treat me though, I have no idea why. My Sony Ericsson cellphone is a complete lemon. When people call me, the line goes dead and I cannot restart the phone for about 30 minutes or so, piece of shit, no? I brought the phone in back in May and they ‘fixed’ it saying that it was a software issue. Fine, cool. Well, it started acting up again and I bring it back for the 2nd time and the gal at the counter argues with me saying I have never brought it in before. Umm WTF? I show her the service bill from May and her jaw drops and I’m like “so are you going to apologise for calling me a liar?” and she keeps opening and closing her mouth like a guppy. Customer service licks these days. Piss me off.

I wouldn’t even line my birdcage with it

Stephen Harper is such a dipshit that it's almost beyond beating a dead horse to say so. Calling him a fucking idiot is akin to saying that water is wet. It's like, DUH! What's the point in even saying it anymore? I have now received 5 flyers mailed to my home covering the topics of: safe injection sites, car theft, crime, etc. I am not ever going to vote Conservative and it pisses me off that my tax dollars are paying for these stupid ass flyers to be delivered to me. Piss off and how about putting my money towards something useful like hospitals, childcare and highways? I don’t want your conservative propaganda and frankly, you and your powder blue sweater vests scare me.

Hooked on fonix werked fer me

I read this interesting article in Time today. I am of the camp that believes that we should not bend in order to accommodate those who cannot spell. I work and correspond with people who cannot spell simple words on a daily basis; it is truly appalling. I am not talking about those who are 25 years and younger who were lucky enough to grow up with spell check as their bitch, but I am talking about those of us who actually learned how to spell but seem to have forgotten the basic, simple rules of the English language (those who are ESL or who have a learning disability are obviously exempt from my rant!). The one line that really got me in this article though was from someone complaining about how something as trivial as spelling can lead to someone not getting a job because of an error on their CV. Ummm so it should! If you are too damn lazy to manually spell check and review your CV then what kind of employee would you make? Probably a lazy and sloppy employee at best.

False advertising at its finest

Are you sure about that Greyhound? Do you maybe wanna retract that statement? Just a bit? I for one will never, ever be taking the bus again or sleeping on a plane.

Say wha??

This weekend was Pride week here in Vancouver. After marching in the parade we hit Davie Street by storm and enjoyed plenty of gin and laughs. Every bar that we went to though eventually played that song by Katy Pary, "I kissed a girl". I get it: it's Pride, it's a woman singing about kissing another woman but there is one line of the song that goes "I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it". Um girl, have you been livin' under a rock? Apparently 99% of men dream about their woman kissing another woman *shakes head* Where have you been??

Bridezillas take note!

Wedding season is upon us and everyone and their dog is tying the knot. I cannot believe that I have to even post this but when it comes to communicating your gift preferences through invitations, it is not at all acceptable to suggest, allude to or even hint about the type that you would like (or presume that you’re getting a gift at all). Never, ever; no exceptions!

If you are registered at a particular store (as I was for my very own wedding), or if your preference is for a cash gift, tell the women in your family and let them spread the word on your behalf so that you don’t look like a greedy, selfish little brat. I was aghast with an invite that I received last week; the bottom of the invite said “Cash gifts preferred”. This is the absolutely lowest place to go and you can guarantee that I’ll be giving them something other than cash just to spite them.

Seinfeld ponderings

When I’m not mind numbingly scrutinizing the daily stock ticker, getting riled about the fuel and food shortage while panicking about the impending collapse of the U.S. economy I’m usually looking back at things that happen during the day and comparing them to a Seinfeld episode. Does anyone else do this or am I completely off my rocker? Today for instance I was on the bus and this old man shuffles on board wearing goggles. It reminded me of the episode when George has his glasses stolen at the pool and had to walk around wearing his prescription goggles; wicked.

Baby got back

I can't stop thinking about a television show that I watched last night. There is a Brit show called “How to Look Good Naked”. It is a somewhat interesting show that basically tells chubby women how to wear pants that avoid muffin tops and that Spanx are a girls best friend…screw dieting and exercise, adore your curves is basically the concept. I had to cringe though as the Americans now have their own version hosted by that uber obnoxious, not to mention annoying guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Instead of the British show where the women are ‘real’ sizes (think US sizes 14+) the American show has women who are about a size 8 complaining about how fat they are and how unattractive they feel. Are you freakin’ kidding me?? Only in America.

Annoying Elevator Habits #1456-B

Pushing the ‘door close’ button like 27 times while the elevator is running up is both pointless and obnoxious. The doors are not going to open on us while we are mid-rise and the fact that you saw people running for the elevator and did not hold it open for them even though you were only going to the second floor pisses me off royally; what the heck is wrong with you anyway?

Forever angry

There is this chick who works in our tower and she is a fairly good looking girl except for one thing: her eyebrows. I guess she has tweezed the crap out of them over the span of her lifetime so now she has to draw them on. Thing is, she draws them in really thick and pointed downward so now she always looks pissed off, it’s pretty friggin’ hilarious if you ask me.

East Van traffic light

My trainer gave me a lift downtown after a particularly brutal session this morning. We came up to the Main St. and Broadway intersection and there was this hobo standing in the middle of our lane on a green light. He had a huge garbage bag full of cans and bottles and was making zero attempt to move his ass of out traffic anytime soon. Sofie tapped her horn a bit to get him to move and he jumps up all startled and wanders over to the half open passenger window. He says “Do you have any toilet paper?” We both look at each other like ‘huh?’ He pauses and yells “Cause you scared the CRAP out of me!” He said it so matter of fact that we just cracked right up and continued on our adventure to downtown.

Offensive much?

So we’re at the Liberal Party Policy Convention this weekend and the Van Centre Mafia rolls into the Young Liberal hospitality suite a.k.a. the place with free beer. They pride themselves on being oh so edgy and they really outdid themselves this year. They had stickers made up that said: It’s a genocide, stupid. Now I know that Darfur is a huge fiasco right now but some of us found that sticker to be a wee bit over the top. So we coined a new phrase that is equally offensive and have decided that we should bust out next convention on a sticker: It’s the Holocaust, MOFO. Beauty.

Captain Obvious

I have a work colleague who I like to call Captain Obvious. This person has far too many annoying tendencies to fit into one posting but they do things such as the reading out of front page news on a near hourly basis as if they are the first to stumble across every story. This person also loves to read company-wide e-mail out loud to everyone as if we are not already reading that very same e-mail. Today they came bouncing in exclaiming “So hey guys, did you know that there’s going to be a fire drill today?” Gee, what gave that one away Captain Obvious? Was it the huge fuck off sign in the lobby of our building that everyone must pass to get onto the elevators? How about telling us something that we don’t already know? That or can you just stop talking, please? Even for just a little while? *sigh*

Don't bite the hand that steers you

The morning bus is always soooo crowded; by the time the #19 rolls up to my stop, I consider myself lucky if it picks up more passengers instead of displaying the usual ‘Sorry, Bus is Full’ sign. Today was a muggy day outside, mid-20s or so outside and we were all crammed in like sardines. The bus driver had the heat cranked right up so it felt like we were in a sauna and not on our way to work. One guy yells out “Dude, can you pleeeeease turn the heat down? We are roasting to death in here man!” The bus driver shouts back “My bus, my business”. Cranky, over-heated passenger responds “Fucking asshole” to which bus driver replies mockingly “You're the fucking asshole.” Nice…

A mini-van does not a good parent make

What is with people who think that their children will grow up to be good at sports when they themselves are clumsy, awkward and out of shape? I do not get this mentality whatsoever. “Oh look at Junior! The way they kicked that toy that I put right in front of them, they are totally going to be in the World Cup one day!!” Yeah friggin’ right. There is a small chance that it may happen but really, it’s highly unlikely.

What up with Austria?

So a dad in Austria goes into massive debt and decides to ‘spare’ his family the shame of his wrongdoings by hacking them all up with an ax? What in the hell is going on in Austria as of late? Several weeks ago, the news was rampant with the story about the psychopath guy who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years and fathered 7 children with her. Then back in 2006 in Austria, there was the sensational story about the 8 year imprisonment of Natascha Kampusch who finally managed to escape from her captor. I am beginning to wonder if there is something in the water over there; small country, copious amounts of crazy people.

Me so hungry

So the man and I made our compulsory monthly visit to Costco this evening to pick up our standard V-8, San Pellegrino water, ¼ wheel of smoked gouda, fish and everything else to make our lunches with. I was a good girl and walked by all of the free samples and did not even stop to look at the DVD’s or kitchen gadgets. While in the queue to pay though, I could not help but notice this hippie mother and father with their two kids in tow. The children were both extremely well behaved but the parents certainly weren’t. The mother had tins of mixed nuts, pricey cashews, a bag of cheese buns, a box of Goldfish crackers and a tub of peanut butter all opened and was digging into them one by one with her bare hands and snacking, all before she paid for everything! The cashier looked on in utter disgust as she dug into the peanut butter and licked it off of her fingers while pressing the debit button keypad. I can see busting out some crackers for a screaming toddler or whatever but everything in her cart was open and SHE was the one eating it, not the toddler. Way to set a good example momma.

Be strong J.J., be strong

I have never really been one to eat crap but now that I am in the middle of my fitness regime trying to get myself summer-ready, I am finding my co-workers snacking habits to be that much more irritating. With a constant array of corn nuts, chips, Coke and candy, you guys are making it reeeeally difficult for me to stick to my diet. Cubeland has never been more miserable.

Oh no you didn't

I knew that the bus would be a complete goldmine for my blog; here’s what went down earlier today. I was riding to a meeting around 6pm on the #19 from Chinatown to Downtown and this really gross looking wheelbo rolls onto the bus. As he is wheeling off at his stop on Pender/Hornby this huuuuuge Black woman starts pointing at the floor and shouts out “Oh hell no. Oh NO you didn’t!” to which the bus driver whips around to see what gives and says “Dude! You not be gettin’ on my bus no more you hear? Dis is da second time you be takin’ a whiz on my bus dis week! It ain’t right man, it ain’t right”. To which the urine-soaked wheelbo gives him the finger and says that it wasn’t him.

Our tax dollars at work

I know that it’s tax time here in the Great White North and I am pretty sure that about 90% of the country is slightly on edge about it, but does that give you any reason to be a complete f’ing beeyatch to me on the phone Miss CRA? The Government of Canada owes me a few grand this year and when I called to change my banking direct deposit information with them, they claim to have never had banking info for me in the first place. When I asked her how it magically appeared in my account for the last oh…10 years or so she said “I don’t know, you tell me.” Nice, that was totally worth being on hold for 17 minutes for.

Private Snowball

Getting up to attend an intense workout five times a week is probably hard for some; I, on the other hand, have learned to *begrudgingly* embrace the challenge. I've also gained a deeper appreciation for sleeping in until 7am on Fridays and Sundays (the non-bootcamp sunrises).

What has been perhaps the most challenging for me is trying not to come up with excuses/outright lies for trying to get out of this with my trainer. There are days that I really want to slack each time she turns her back on me but I don't want to show weakness; Sofie feeds off of my weakness. So, I push myself as hard as I possibly can even though it hurts like hell and my legs are screaming “Noooo.” I can’t believe that I’m paying for this but I am determined to fit into the awesome jeans that I bought in Seattle.

Were you raised in a barn?

I am all about etiquette. As most of you know, I have many peeves, perhaps too many but they are my peeves nonetheless. Instant messaging is my latest annoyance. If you are listed as ‘online’ for the last week and do not have the decency to reply to my quick message, well then screw you. The internet and the communication within, gives us the aura of being endlessly busy - so people tend to think that they can easily get away with being rude. If you work in an office then I will of course excuse you from this rant but some of you have no excuse for being so rude. If you are in fact as busy as you claim to be, then change your status to busy or offline; surely you can find the 1.5 seconds of time in your day to do that.

New meaning to recycling

As said by our contractor today as he disposed of our "urban fireplace" in the alley behind our condo: "Thats what I love about Vancouver, you can just leave shit in the alley and the hobos will take care of it." Amen to that and it's SO true!

Talkie talkie

Everyone and their dog has a cell phone these days and everyone seems to talk on them on the bus. That's fine, whatever, but why do you feel the need to talk so obnoxiously like you're trying to impress everyone with "this meeting you had today," "this meeting you had last week" and "this meeting you're probably having tomorrow." Trying to make it sound like you're some hot-shot in a high-rise with a powerful job when the truth is, we all know your little secret. If you were a hot-shot in a high rise then what the fuck is your ass doing riding the bus? We all know you're a shift leader at Burger King or a receptionist at a law firm so why don't you just shut the fuck up already and stop annoying us with your constant blathering.

Le freak, c'est chic

Starbucks on Main and 14th: there is a hobo who wanders around here with a boom box blaring out really cheesy Euro-French techno. He is about 50 years old, filthy, wears overalls and completely rocks out to his tunes for the enjoyment of everyone at Starbucks. You truly rule, keep on dancing my friend.

#19 bus

It was only a matter of time before I found this out for myself; the freak to normal person ratio on any given bus route in Vancouver becomes heavily skewed toward the former as your bus gets closer to the East Side of the downtown core. I was riding the bus home today and this freak show jumps on and sits across from me. He keeps pulling his shirt on and off, turning it inside out and then back again while muttering under his breath about how sexy he was. Then he jumps up and starts running up and down the length of the bus with his hands down his pants screaming “I’ve got my hands down my pants people! Yep that’s right boys and girls, hands down my pants!” The bus driver finally came onto the P.A. system and said “Excuse me Mr. Hands Down Your Pants, that’s great…now please sit down!” Ahh good times.