‘Couv Labyrinth

I’ve lived in the ‘Couv for about 5 years now and I still always get Howe and Hornby St’s as well as Mainland and Hamilton St’s mixed up…please tell me that it’s not just me? I know that the place that straightens my fro is on either Hamilton or Mainland yet I always pick the wrong one when I get off the Skytrain and I know that the HSBC bank is either on Hornby or Howe but I can never remember which one. Luckily it only adds a block to my walking route either way but it’s still damn annoying.

I'm just saying...

Hoarders

Well, here is another show to add to my ‘not to watch before bedtime’ repertoire; I was flipping through the channels last night and accidently found this show called Hoarders on A&E. The man accuses me of being a packrat but the people on this show live literally meter deep in trash and rotten food. This one woman had to board up various parts of her home because her goats were eating through the walls via the outside thus exposing her to the elements. I sat there stunned and horrified that anyone could let their house get into such a state, I mean come on…the goats ate through everything and she didn’t even have running water for over 2 years.

Logtastic!

I took my work colleague from the UK along with me to a fabulous, west of Denman St. holiday party last night. Nick has been to Canada and the United States plenty of times before but this was his first experience with the Christmas Yule Log. He couldn't believe that we have a program on television that is all log, all the time in December and so we all spent some time excitedly explaining to him about the guy who pokes the fire and adds more logs to it and how his sweaters are different every year. I think that Nick thought that we were all pulling his leg when all of a sudden people started screaming "Loooook, he's poking the fire!" and everyone stopped their conversations to look for a wedding ring and to talk about his sweater choice for this year. I love how something as simple as a log can bring people together.

JJ as a black cloud

Sometimes one just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and today was definitely one of those days for me. I got off the train at Waterfront and was walking up Granville St. when I saw that there were cones all over the sidewalk as someone decided to smash the window of the pharmacy. I stood by the cones for maybe 2 seconds assessing the situation: will I have to cross the street or can I just walk around the cones and carry on my merry way on the side of the street that I want to be on? In the 2 seconds that it took me to make my decision, this old guy wielding an oxygen tank and a cane glares at me menacingly, grunts and shakes his cane at me to move out of his way to which I promptly screamed "Dude!" and flipped him the bird. The guy behind me burst out laughing and said "Bad day already?"...yeah, ya think?

Annoying people pet peeve number #BZ-56743

This pet peeve would have to be people who only ping me to talk about themselves and their good news and can barely squeak out a “Well, how are you doing JJ?” Selfish people piss me off and don’t think for a second that I don’t realize you do this. Funny enough, but these are usually the very same people that when you do have good news of your own, you are too scared to tell them as you know that they will talk about you behind your back or find something negative in your news. This is the year when I will seriously stick to my plan of divorcing people who are lame and who suck what little positive energy that I have left out of me. This time I mean it.

As Canadian as Gordon Lightfoot

What could possibly be as Canadian as Gordon Lightfoot you may ask? Well, that would have to be politeness and honesty. I was walking into the Canada Line station after work today and there was a temporary sign placed at the bottom of the escalator by the fare machines announcing "There are fare checks going on today, please make sure to have your pass ready for inspection." Sure enough once you got around the corner there were transit police and cops standing there with their ticket books ready to catch fare jumpers. What other place in the world would be nice enough to warn you ahead of time that there are fare checks ahead? Ahhh Canada, you are too damn nice sometimes!

Pesto Justice

The Republic of East Vancouver is proving itself to be endlessly entertaining since I moved here a year and a half ago now. After a night of a few too many beers on a school night, I was inspired to try the $1.25 a slice pizza joint by the B-line stop on Main & Broadway (it was actually quite tasty and I have since had it sober!) I was patiently waiting for my slice of pesto 'zza when in ran a plain clothes police officer who was out of breath and red faced. He started yelling to everyone in the restaurant "Have any of you seen a Native guy, long black hair in a red hoodie come by here in the last few minutes?"

Lady in a Reebok pink jacket with a platinum blonde weave "You mean a guy, maybe Mexican or something in a blue jean jacket?"
Guy with nasty looking dreads and flip flops "I saw a guy in a red hoodie...but that was yesterday, man..."
Fresh off the boat shop owner "Maybe big guy? Yellow hair, old?"

JJ, clutching her pesto pizza, swaying slightly thanks to the pitchers on special with a mouthful of said pizza "You mean that guy?" The cop turned around and screamed "YES!! That's him!" and off he went after the guy that I had spotted darting across the street in front of a bus and before I knew it, he had tackled him onto the sidewalk and was shouting at him while cuffing him.

Just doing my part to keep the Republic safe ;)

N'oublions pas

Today is Remembrance Day here in Canada. The ceremony is basically the same every year but I always sit by the tv and am moved by the poems, the speeches and the stories of those who fought for our freedom. What really irks me as of late though are people who say that this day has no meaning for them as they are from some other country and didn't lose anyone in any of Canada's battles but you know what? The reason why you left your friends, family and everything that you had wherever you came from and picked up to come all the way to Canada is because of the veterans who fought in battles in some country that they may have never even heard of before. The reason why Canada is the way it is today is because of these veterans and their sacrifices...sometimes the ultimate sacrifice which was their life just so that you and I can live here in peace with freedoms that do not exist anywhere else. I am not only thankful today but everyday to call Canada my home.

Flu shot mayhem

I am often labeled as a pessimist and for being too negative, I however prefer the label realist. Those who are in a panic about flu shots and H1N1 vaccines are really getting to me though. More people die from the day to day flu than anyone from H1N1 this year, the regular flu deaths just don't make the paper as no one cares. The panic surrounding this H1N1 virus is completely out of hand; you may feel like death for a week but most likely, you're gonna live if you are a fairly healthy adult to begin with. We are human, we're supposed to get sick once in a while, it makes us stronger for the next bug that is inevitably going to come along so stop using Purell and freaking out if someone on the train coughs. Washing your hands with soap and warm water do a great job and we all need bugs in our system, it's perfectly normal and we'll get over it eventually.

Girls Gone Wild

So I was watching lame late night tv this evening and one of those informercials for 'Girls Gone Wild' came on. I was sitting there wondering, say as some middle aged fella you decided to buy said DVD and you eagerly anticipate it's arrival in the unmarked envelope that will be at your door in 2-3 weeks. Joyous, happy day finally arrives and you rip open the envelope and pop in the DVD and wha??? That's your baby girl stripping at South Beach (the trip that you paid for as all her friends were going) for some beads and free tequila right there on the tape. I think that these tapes could lead to some fairly awkward family gatherings.

Canada Line whinging

Only in Vancouver would people find something so damn trivial to whine about. Come on people, we have this brand spankin’ new high speed transit option for us and what’s the first press that I read about it? People complaining that the signs for the exits are labeled as 'Way Out' instead of ‘Exit’. Are you freakin' kidding me? Have you ever traveled outside of North America? Or perhaps you are slow-minded and you think that ‘Way Out’ could possibly mean something else instead of the way out like oh I dunno, newspaper stand? Washrooms? Give your head a shake and find something worth complaining about already.

Johannesburg and T-berg

Because my regular GP up and abandoned his practice a year and a half ago leaving me sans doctor, I have no choice but to frequent the various walk-in clinics here in the Couv whenever I come down with something and am forced to queue with the sick masses. 99% of the time I have noticed, I end up with the most drop dead gorgeous looking doctors and most of them are South African for some reason (I get the political and safety reasons why they come here.) I must say though that I can’t friggin' wait for flu season this year!

Fly me to the food

We took a one hour flight from Cappadocia to Istanbul earlier today and I had to start rubbing my eyes and pinching myself when I saw a food cart full of both food and booze, this country rocks! In North America you can take a 5+ hour flight from Vancouver to Montreal and consider yourself lucky if you get water and a stale cookie.

This is the best Ramadan ever!

We were wandering around Istanbul this evening looking for some cheap beer as everything at the hotel is like 12 lira or something stupid; this is no easy feat given that it is Ramadan and all of the streets are poorly lit at best. We finally found a little grocer that had tons of beer, loads of selection and rock bottom prices. I had Turkish lira on me so I bought the beer and I guess being 'scantily' clad during Ramadan means free stuff cause the shop keeper kept smiling at me and giving me free gum, good deal! (Scantily clad meant shorts and a spaghetti strap top as compared to the veiled women outside of the shop, obviously not in the market for beer!)

What's your Nam song?

My buddy Si Si and I used to have without a doubt THE best lunch time conversations ever. One of our more memorable topics was ‘What is your Nam song’ as in, when you think of Vietnam, what song comes into your head. Si Si’s I believe was “Paint it Black” by the Rolling Stones whereas mine was “Fortunate Son” by CCR. I brought up the topic at the place where I work now and Rena’s Nam song is “Stop Hey, What’s That Sound” by Buffalo Springfield and Timo’s is “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane. So, what’s your Nam song?

More barnyard antics

Doors open, people get off, THEN you get on…it ain’t hard folks. I am sick to death of being rushed by people clambering to get onto the elevator at work or the Canada Line without letting people out first. Were you raised in a barn?

Ms. Fruit Fly

Happy Pride Week y’all! When I first moved to the ‘Couv, I wound up in the West End which just happens to be the gay area of the city. I like to think that my friends and acquaintances are all open minded and cool but of course, some people just aren’t which in this day and age, I find kinda shocking. I have had several people ask me or say behind my back “Why does JJ have so many gay friends?” to which I have to say, why the hell not? My stylish boys are there for me no matter what, they are amazing listeners, they are happy to go shopping with me and go for a beer on the patio afterward. We can chat about boys in a non-competitive atmosphere together which makes people watching on Davie St. that much more fun. Unlike most girlfriends, my boys have no issue being honest and telling you if something on your outfit is all wrong but they will always tell you when you are looking fabulous or what pants make your butt look awesome. My boys are hilarious, love to dance and I don’t have to worry that they are trying to get in my pants. So I will be wearing my dangerously short skirted costume and proudly marching in the Pride Parade with my friends again this year and I can only hope that people will one day realize that we’re all here on this earth just trying to get through another day: gay, straight or other.

The key to marital bliss

Well, besides separate duvets , it would have to be hiring a housekeeper! Pinkie came into our lives recently and I don’t think that I can ever go back now. Not that the man and I ever really fought about cleaning duties but we were spending too much of our free time cleaning the place and keeping it up to our high standards as we both hate a mess. She has an assistant named ‘Cherry Pie’ who reorganized our closets and our pantry to look like some sort of show home. Pinkie is a godsend and has freed up our evenings and weekends, woo frickin’ hoo life is good!

Who ya gonna call?

I had the best birthday ever this year! The ‘Couv aka the City of No Fun decided to bring in a huuuuge blow up movie screen to David Lam Park in Yaletown and have a free outdoor movie night under the stars. They showed Ghostbusters and hundreds of people showed up. The cops didn’t come to bust up groups drinking responsibly and everyone acted extremely neighbourly. It was a great night shared with fantastic friends, YAY!