Fear of God or fear of ticket?

So I was in Seattle with the man over the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We saw many kewl things in Seattle: Alki beach, the aquarium (fish rock!), Pike Place Market, a handful of amazing restaurants and our hotel was frickin’ amazing, our room was right over the ocean.

However, one thing I could not help but notice is that Americans don’t jaywalk, what’s up with that? Is it a fear of god? Is it simple obedience? I don’t get it. Every time traffic cleared my fellow Canadians and I boldly strutted across the street even though the orange hand was up while the Americans waited patiently and even tsk’ed at us. And who says Americans are impatient?

Oooooooooooooooh

I reeeeeeeally, reeeeeally, reeeeeeeally want an Apple iPhone. No real reason why but I just have this massive urge to own one. Granted they cost more than my Apple MacbookPro and current mobile phone put together, are not yet available in Canada and I don't need one; I still want one! Drooooool

Where do you see "Bicycle" in the word "Sidewalk"?

Sidewalks are for w-a-l-k-i-n-g, not for riding your bicycle. There are these lanes on the side of the road, between where the cars go and where the people go called a bike lane. They were created so that you can ride your bike in relative safety while I can walk to where I need to be in relative safety, novel concept really. Why you feel the need to whip down the sidewalks through hordes of people and get snotty when we give you dirty looks when you yell at us to get out of your way astounds me. YOU person on the bicycle are a Chapeau de Derriere.

Birds are gross

I was walking to work this morning along Harwood Street when I heard this whoosh sound overhead and was subsequently shat on by oh about 8 pigeons flying overhead. I literally stood there drenched in pigeon explosive diarrhea while several onlookers stared at me with the most horrified faces I have ever seen. A lady called down from an apartment building and told me to come up and grab a towel which I gratefully did. I basically wrapped my hair up and somewhat wiped myself down so I could walk home and get in the shower (that lady is my hero, I am soooo grateful). It seriously took me like 15 minutes to wash it all outta my 'fro. Everyone keeps telling me that I should buy a lottery ticket now as being shat on is apparently good luck. Funny, cause I was not feeling so lucky when my hair was coated in pigeon McDonald’s and garbage eatin’ crap.

Ecodensity

Seriously, what in the hell is wrong with our mayor, Sam Sullivan? He now feels the need to personally patent the word 'ecodensity'. He tells us that it is so local businesses do not pick up and use yet another one of his snazzy words (funny enough, when I typed 'ecodensity' into Google, I got 48,000 hits). It's times like this when I curse Larry Campbell for selling out and becoming a senator. How could you leave us with Sam Sullivan??? He's a complete nutjob.

Boys Lunch

Every Friday is ‘Boys Lunch’ at work. A group of guys used to have lunch once a week until M. & I started inviting ourselves along as well. Today we went to the Mill Marine Bistro in Coal Harbour. Amazing location, view, etc. but we waited 40 minutes till lunch was on the table and the food was awful; I had to order a side of mayo to slather on my salmon burger to choke it down as it was so dry. When will restaurants in the ‘Couv learn that eventually people will clue in that all you have is a nice view and stop going on account of the crappy food and even shittier service…wake up people.

How rude

So, you make plans with someone to meet at a certain time and place. Then when the time finally comes to meet up, they don’t show; no phone call, no e-mail, no Facebook message…nothing. Were you raised in a barn? Honestly people, show a little common courtesy as I know you would be pissed if I did the same thing to you and you know it.

In the ghetto

I was reading the Vancouver Sun online this morning and came across this article about immigrants fleeing their nations only to arrive in Vancouver and be ‘forced’ to live in Surrey and the burbs as they cannot afford to live in Vancouver city proper due to our real estate prices. I get that it’s pricey here but look at cities like New York, London, Paris, etc. These cities are all FAR more expensive than the ‘Couv real estate and cost of living-wise yet they have tons and tons of immigrants living there. The ‘Couv is pricey but look to your immigrant friends in the other cities and then complain; you have it pretty damn good here.

Slowly converting people

I now have 9 people hopelessly addicted to Costco Trident salmon burgers, buahaha! 6/9 people got Costco memberships just to buy these tasty salmon burgers...I feel like a cult leader of sorts.

Bad case of the Monday's

I had a hankering for banana bread this morning so I went to Starbucks and ordered my usual coffee and a piece of banana bread for a treat. The coffee was perfect as usual but they gave me an end piece of banana bread, lame! I think that they should really ask you if you want an end piece when there are copious amounts of it there behind the glass…Not many people like the end pieces, surely they know that.

On a side note: I saw a guy in deep conversation with a Toyota Tundra truck this morning on my walk in to the office. He was telling it how pretty it was and asked if it hated Mondays too…ohhhhkay.

Things that make you go hmm

Why is it that in all the higher end shops on Robson St. that the men’s floor is always at street level but us girls have to walk up a floor to get to our section? Is it because men are lazy and would never go in there if there were stairs? Or is it because they know that most men are pervs who will take any chance they can get to look up a girls skirt? Or maybe a man planned it because he has a shopaholic of a wife and wanted to make it harder for her to go on a shopping spree if she has to navigate so many stairs in her Gucci peeptoe heels. I have always been curious.

LITG8R

Asshole lawyer driving the black Benz this morning who ran the red light at Burrard and Robson St's...get off your damn phone!!! A whack of us were in the crosswalk crossing on the little walking man signal when you decided to tear through. I have your plate number (LITG8R) and you're lucky that you did not hit any of us or else perhaps we would have seen these amazing litigation skills of yours in court you cell phone yakking careless driving mofo.

My husband the terrorist

We spent our last few hours in Edmunchuk at the West Edmonton Mall. We had an hour and a half to kill towards the end so we both decided to indulge in something just for us. I chose to have an aqua massage (it was wonderful) and the man decided to shoot a glock at the shooting range in the mall. We both left the mall happy and headed to the airport to fly home.

I get through airport security no problem but instead of the man following me, they pull him aside and several security officers are crowded around the X-ray machine and a few more are called over to come look. A guy comes over with gloves and asks to look in the man’s bag. He starts opening it verrry carefully and swabs the inside and outside of the bag. No one will go near the bag but this one guy and he pulls everything out very deliberately. We finally got through once he saw the shooting range target paper but thanks to the man’s frickin’ gun powder residue all over his knapsack I was sure we would be screwed.

Hoboless

Now I know why BC has so many damn hobos; we were staying at the Marriott hotel in downtown Edmonton and in the whole time we walked and drove around I only ever saw 1 hobo! If we could find a way to eradicate mosquitoes then I am sure that Vancouver could offload some of its hobos onto fine cities such as Edmonton to share the load ya know. Maybe I’ll let Mayor Sam Sullivan know that instead of using our tax money to build all of this pricey social housing that we can instead eradicate mosquitoes with our money and put the hobos on the bus a la Ralph Klein and send them back home. Sound like a plan?

Rehearsal

So the whole crew went to St. Basil’s Ukrainian Catholic Church this evening to do a trial run through of Dea’s wedding ceremony. I just thought that I would share some of the most memorable quotes from the evening:

- Tiff and JJ reading a Ukrainian prayer book: T “This book is all in Russian!” to which JJ answered “No, it’s in Ukrainian, we’re in a Ukrainian church”. T “Isn’t it the same thing?” to which I said “Nope”.

- JJ walking down the aisle and being told by the priest to give ‘reverence’ to which I bowed to the priest and he barked back "Reverence! Not to me, to Jesus!!” (There was a huge ass painting of Jesus beside him on the wall, how was I supposed to know? Jeez).

- Tiff walking down the aisle right after me and being asked by the priest “Catholic or non?” to which she answered “It doesn’t matter, I can go either way”. Ha ha she almost finished that sentence with “I’m flexible”. Can you imagine actually saying to a priest “Oh it’s ok Father, I’m flexible”, that would have been awesome.

DeathJet

I flew on WestJet today to Edmonton for my cousin Dea’s wedding. When I fly on my own, I always try to book a window seat so that I do not have to get up for those sitting beside me to use the lavatory. I have the bladder of a camel which means, I can hold it for an hour and a half flight! I boarded the plane and walked to my seat and lo and behold there was a 50 something year old woman in my seat with her various Prada handbags strewn about the area and was snapping her gum like a crocodile chowing down on a Florida tourist. I looked at her, looked at my ticket and politely said, “Excuse me but I think that you’re in my seat” to which she not so politely snorted “Can’t you see I’m settled? Take my seat!”. Grrr Prada bitch. The plane was otherwise full so I couldn’t sit anywhere else so in her seat I sat. Well Prada bitch has a bladder the size of an ant because she had to get up 6 times to go to the loo on an hour and a half flight and left me in charge of the various Prada bags; Biatch.

The Bay can kiss my pelt

I went to the Bay to get my cousin’s wedding gift off of her registry. I brought the list and went up to the department in question and asked for their help. 3 of them stared at me like deer in headlights and 1 decided that she had to help me so off we went. 10 minutes later she says “I give up’ and left me with the gift registry people. They are an even more incompetent bunch and they proceed to call the various stores in Edmonton to see if they have what I am looking for. Keep in mind, the computer says that the store I am standing in right friggin’ now has 3 of what I need but they keep telling me ‘that actually means we have none’…Sounds like a shitty inventory system then! If 3 equals zero what does zero equal? Anyway…They call the store in Edmonton who keeps hanging up on them and refusing to go look. The gift registry girl in Vancouver is almost in tears because I am telling them how retarded and f&%king stupid this process is, her manager is pacing back and forth and I am having conversations with brides-to-be telling them to register at Linens-N—Things as it is far easier than the idiotic Bay. Fast forward, almost an hour and a half and the only helpful employee of the Bay comes running up with everything I need! Thank you Deanna from Vancouver gift registry, you rock. As for your co-workers though, well, they can bite my ass.

On Busses and cell phones

I rarely need to take the bus here in Vancouver as I can pretty much walk to wherever I need to be. Friday however, was one of the rare cases where I had to bus somewhere and as usual, it was an experience. I bussed out to VGH on the 98 B-line pretty much in the middle of rush hour. The bus was swerving in and out of traffic, was all over the bridge and almost took out some cyclists just to add to the fun. The bus driver was on his personal cell phone the whole time blathering away in some sort of Indian language (Hindi? dunno). Dude! Your job is to pay attention to the road, not talk to you pals while driving 200 of us around in traffic at speeds up to 70 km/h! It’s like cab drivers here, they miss the turn to your place and go the long way because they are too busy talking on their phones…so annoying not to mention dangerous.

End of an era

We went to the evil Metrotown Metropolis yesterday evening to buy the man a suit for my cousin Dea’s wedding. After not as much ordeal as (I) predicted, we came out of there with a nice looking, not quite Eurotrash pinstripe suit. With the blue shirt and stripy tie that I picked out, I think he looks hot!

It is truly the end of an era though. Before having his very own suit he previously had use of the ‘family suit’. I am sooo not kidding here…there is a suit back at his family home that both himself, his father and brothers have use of. Depending on who needs it, it gets lengthened or shortened, taken in or let out, as all of them are complete body opposites. His mother is truly the Queen of Alterations! It has been used for job interviews and weddings and who knows what else. The family suit has served Jacob well but it is now time to move on.