I don't get it

There is this commercial for Excel gum that is on all the time and it always leaves me shouting at the TV. It shows this guy walking up to an apartment and shoving some Excel gum into his trap while being followed by the last things he consumed that lead to such foul breath: an onion, some coffee and an adorable little donut. The first 2, I totally get, but are you trying to tell me that you can suffer from dragon breath post-donut? Unless it is a donut crammed with garlic or something else completely vile and quite un-donut like, then I really just don't get it. Excel, stop persecuting the donut!

Keep it to yourself

If you wake up and are hacking, wheezing and have a sore throat, FFS, please stay home and don't come into the office and inflict the rest of us with whatever plague you've dragged in. No one here is impressed that you've managed to make it in today. Yes, we'll talk about you if you take a sick day and assume that you're watching Maury Povich, shopping in the U.S. or skiing, but trust me, we will be talking even more shit about you if you get us all sick.

Only me

E.T. was released in 1982 and I have probably watched it, oh I don't know...about 26 times. It was on tv again this week and even though I know the story, and I know that the government doesn't catch him, and I know that he doesn't die...I still cry! Every...single...time. What's with that?!?

Up in the air

Air Canada, you know that I love you but why oh why do you taunt me with really good inflight movies that are too long to be shown on a 2 hour flight thanks to those obnoxious Telus parakeets dancing to hip hop music and that asswipe from Cineplex talking for 5 minutes telling me how much I am going to love this movie? Thanks to you I have now missed the last few minutes of both The King's Speech and The Social Network; grrrr.

Honda annoyance, part deux

The Honda dealership across the street from my condo has pissed me off yet again. First it was their bright sign that flashed into my bedroom like the Kenny Rogers Chicken sign in Seinfeld but now they have decided to piss me off aurally too. They put a huge sign in their window on Kingsway that says “Honk if You Are a Canucks Fan!!” Now I get woken up at zero dark stupid on a daily basis by semi-trucks blaring their horns because obviously, they’re a fan; grrrreat.

It's just wrong

Rihanna’s song 'S&M'; I get it, it’s a catchy tune but I happen to live 2 blocks away from St. Patrick’s Elementary School and seeing 10 and 11 year old Catholic school girls belting out the lyrics to this song every morning at the bus stop is beyond insane. I have to fight the urge not to call the Ministry of Children and find more responsible parents for these girls.

Screw you hippies

Mt. Pleasant is the hood where I reside in the ‘Couv. It is a neighbourhood that is gentrifying by the day and even though it’s in East Van, real estate ain’t cheap anymore. A block away from my place there was a fire last year and instead of an ugly commercial building with a medicinal marijuana store and a sex toy shop, there is now a lovely little park with green grass, benches and a Christmas tree that is still lit up every night…why?!? It’s March….but I digress. The local business association put up these signboards in the park that talk about ‘our community’ and ‘sustainability’ and other crap like that with pictures of smiling people of all ages and races on them. Overnight, these signs were vandalized with spray painted slogans and swastikas saying ‘go home yuppies’ and ‘stop killing our hood’. Really?!? Us Westside people *with jobs* are ruining your hood by pouring money into it, making it safer, planting trees and chasing the crackheads out? You have got to be kidding me.

Mayor Juicebox is ruining the city

Ok, I admit it, I voted for Gregor Robertson to be mayor of the city but I had no idea that he was going to fuck it up like this. What the hell Gregor? These bike lanes are royally pissing me off, man. People in this city already drive like shit, helloooo GMC Sierra that knocked me down? Well, now I need to watch for bicycles on their own traffic light too? Plus I used to adore feeling like a Formula 1 car driver merging onto the Georgia Viaduct but now that there’s a MFing bike lane there, I can’t have any fun anymore. Also, what’s up with that weird ass ‘parking on the sidewalk’ bullshit on Granville Street? That’s just whack… yet another danger for an innocent pedestrian! Go back to making juice already, seriously.

Things that are dead to me now

I am sure that this list will grow as rapidly as my shoe hate-on list (UGGS, Crocs, gladiator sandals, etc.) but there are certain items that I can’t help but associate with ‘white trash’ now that I see every woman in Surrey sporting them: Coach handbags with the ‘C’ logo splashed all over it, Tiffany charm bracelets, big hoop earrings, leggings with dresses, anything Ed Hardy, anything with printing or logos across your ass and last but certainly not least, French nails…especially as a pedicure, yecccch.

Snow whine

What the hell is wrong with Vancouverites? It snowed a whopping 2.5 centimeters overnight and you are whining and complaining that you simply cannot make it into the office; what gives? If you just want to stay home and watch the Food Channel all day, then call in sick, don't use this dusting of snow as an excuse to sit around all day in your pj's and try to justify it to those of who actually made it in. The city buses are still running and I passed several Asian girls tottering around just fine in their 4 inch heels holding onto umbrellas. You people give Canadians a bad name!

The season of pain

Ouuuch! I am forever grateful for the veterans that have given their lives and their time in order for us to live as free and peacefully as we do here in Canada but I can't help but think of pain each and every time I see a veteran because of those damn poppy pins that the Legion hands out for Remembrance Day every year. Seriously people, I know that Veteran Affairs claims they're broke and all, but could you not think of a way to make these pins not stab me on a daily basis thus making me cry out and break into a Tourette's fit every single time I try to put on or take of my jacket? Ow!

Polite to a fault?

I travel to the United States a lot and Americans are always picking on me for my 'Canadian accent' (and I don’t even say ‘eh’ or ‘aboot’) Fine, make fun of me for not drawling my way through the Queen’s language, but could you please, please stop answering with “uh huh” when I say thank you? I guess it’s obvious that I am from North of the border as I actually utter the phrases ‘please’ and ‘thank you’….god forbid we have manners, basic manners at that but answering with 'uh huh' sounds both uninterested and uneducated.

Elevator common sense

It's annoying enough when people run onto the elevator almost knocking me over when I am trying to get off the elevator, but how about when people get on the elevator and bark out orders telling me which floor to push for them even though their hands aren’t full…what am I, your personal slave? Push it yourself, lazy ass.

That’s right, it’s all about you

I was standing next to you at the at the American Airlines international check-in counter at O’Hare when the agent told you that you needed to check in that huge ass Mary Poppins bag of yours yet you refused and proceeded to throw a massive hissy fit in front of the entire concourse. Great, not only did I have to witness that most classic of melt downs, but now it turns out that of all the planes leaving Chicago this morning, you are on my flight, in my row. You are swearing and cursing while you sweat and show everyone your disgusting cellulite-riddled Burger King gut while shoving my unobnoxious bag mercilessly into the corner of the overhead bin telling everyone that it normally fits just fine. Well, guess what asshole, how about you check in your GD bag next time like you were told to do and sit the fuck down already seeing as there’s 150 people behind you, ready to board with the proper sized luggage.  You’re the same douchebag who stands right in front of the luggage carousel with a luggage cart for one single bag not willing to move for anyone until your tacky looking luggage comes around, stupid ass.

Things that annoy me

- UGG boots; they look retarded, especially with a skirt

- Raisins in baked goods; way to ruin a good oatmeal cookie or a cinnamon bun

- Gladiator sandals; ladies, we’re not in Sparta

- Folding sheets or tablecloths with right handed people and being told that I’m “doing it wrong”. No, YOU are

- Nail biting; this is why you always have a cold and on top of that, it’s seriously gross, stop it

- Escalators; stand to the right, walk to the left…it’s really not all that difficult

- People who jump on team bandwagons only after they have made the playoffs; you know who you are

- Sales people at the Bay who won't take no for an answer and look all offended when I tell them that I don't want an HBC Rewards card

- People who 'hate' Toronto but have never even been out of Pearson Airport

- If you have an aisle seat on the plane and the middle and window seat are still open, don't look all pissed off that you have already buckled yourself up once the rest of us show up