Oh no you didn't

I knew that the bus would be a complete goldmine for my blog; here’s what went down earlier today. I was riding to a meeting around 6pm on the #19 from Chinatown to Downtown and this really gross looking wheelbo rolls onto the bus. As he is wheeling off at his stop on Pender/Hornby this huuuuuge Black woman starts pointing at the floor and shouts out “Oh hell no. Oh NO you didn’t!” to which the bus driver whips around to see what gives and says “Dude! You not be gettin’ on my bus no more you hear? Dis is da second time you be takin’ a whiz on my bus dis week! It ain’t right man, it ain’t right”. To which the urine-soaked wheelbo gives him the finger and says that it wasn’t him.

Our tax dollars at work

I know that it’s tax time here in the Great White North and I am pretty sure that about 90% of the country is slightly on edge about it, but does that give you any reason to be a complete f’ing beeyatch to me on the phone Miss CRA? The Government of Canada owes me a few grand this year and when I called to change my banking direct deposit information with them, they claim to have never had banking info for me in the first place. When I asked her how it magically appeared in my account for the last oh…10 years or so she said “I don’t know, you tell me.” Nice, that was totally worth being on hold for 17 minutes for.

Private Snowball

Getting up to attend an intense workout five times a week is probably hard for some; I, on the other hand, have learned to *begrudgingly* embrace the challenge. I've also gained a deeper appreciation for sleeping in until 7am on Fridays and Sundays (the non-bootcamp sunrises).

What has been perhaps the most challenging for me is trying not to come up with excuses/outright lies for trying to get out of this with my trainer. There are days that I really want to slack each time she turns her back on me but I don't want to show weakness; Sofie feeds off of my weakness. So, I push myself as hard as I possibly can even though it hurts like hell and my legs are screaming “Noooo.” I can’t believe that I’m paying for this but I am determined to fit into the awesome jeans that I bought in Seattle.

Were you raised in a barn?

I am all about etiquette. As most of you know, I have many peeves, perhaps too many but they are my peeves nonetheless. Instant messaging is my latest annoyance. If you are listed as ‘online’ for the last week and do not have the decency to reply to my quick message, well then screw you. The internet and the communication within, gives us the aura of being endlessly busy - so people tend to think that they can easily get away with being rude. If you work in an office then I will of course excuse you from this rant but some of you have no excuse for being so rude. If you are in fact as busy as you claim to be, then change your status to busy or offline; surely you can find the 1.5 seconds of time in your day to do that.

New meaning to recycling

As said by our contractor today as he disposed of our "urban fireplace" in the alley behind our condo: "Thats what I love about Vancouver, you can just leave shit in the alley and the hobos will take care of it." Amen to that and it's SO true!

Talkie talkie

Everyone and their dog has a cell phone these days and everyone seems to talk on them on the bus. That's fine, whatever, but why do you feel the need to talk so obnoxiously like you're trying to impress everyone with "this meeting you had today," "this meeting you had last week" and "this meeting you're probably having tomorrow." Trying to make it sound like you're some hot-shot in a high-rise with a powerful job when the truth is, we all know your little secret. If you were a hot-shot in a high rise then what the fuck is your ass doing riding the bus? We all know you're a shift leader at Burger King or a receptionist at a law firm so why don't you just shut the fuck up already and stop annoying us with your constant blathering.

Le freak, c'est chic

Starbucks on Main and 14th: there is a hobo who wanders around here with a boom box blaring out really cheesy Euro-French techno. He is about 50 years old, filthy, wears overalls and completely rocks out to his tunes for the enjoyment of everyone at Starbucks. You truly rule, keep on dancing my friend.

#19 bus

It was only a matter of time before I found this out for myself; the freak to normal person ratio on any given bus route in Vancouver becomes heavily skewed toward the former as your bus gets closer to the East Side of the downtown core. I was riding the bus home today and this freak show jumps on and sits across from me. He keeps pulling his shirt on and off, turning it inside out and then back again while muttering under his breath about how sexy he was. Then he jumps up and starts running up and down the length of the bus with his hands down his pants screaming “I’ve got my hands down my pants people! Yep that’s right boys and girls, hands down my pants!” The bus driver finally came onto the P.A. system and said “Excuse me Mr. Hands Down Your Pants, that’s great…now please sit down!” Ahh good times.

Silicon Valley

Holy moly depressing Batman. I was in the Silicon Valley this week for work (Santa Clara to be exact). I have never seen so many buildings left empty, for lease/sale, deserted parking lots...The place seriously looked like Armageddon. My taxi driver was a former engineer at Oracle and the guy who fixed the air conditioning in a colleague’s room was a former tech writer for Citrix who was recently let go. I remember when friends of mine flocked down to Silicon Valley for awesome tech jobs, now I see why they have all migrated back to Canada. It just goes to show that this recession is either here or imminent.

San Francisco

I had to fly down to California for work so I booked an early flight and hung out in the big city with my pal Yas aka the best SF tour guide. I rode into town on the BART and met up with Yas in her wicked Mexican Mission area neighbourhood. We wandered the shops around Haight-Ashbury and checked out the local parks. We made it over to Golden Gate Park and as Yas predicted, we were offered drugs within the first 10 feet of hippie hill. Some guy wandered up with a huge wad of weed and some other guy shouted out something about white girls and marriage proposals. I enjoyed soaking up some rays and even got a little sunburn. I love this town.

East Side Girl observations

Well, we are moved in and somewhat settled. Our new neighbours rock, everyone in this building is genuinely friendly and welcoming. Things that are different so far though:

- In the West Side, all money transactions are done with credit/debit cards. In the East Side, they like to pay for everything with cash: preferably nickels, dimes and pennies. Takes for friggin’ ever!

- The majority of people here dress like they just rolled out of bed. In the West Side, people dressed up even to take out the garbage. In the East Side you can walk around in your pj’s with smeared mascara under your eyes and no one seems to notice.

- You can park on residential streets in the East Side and not worry that you will be towed for sporting the wrong colour triangle on your windshield…oh how I hated Kits people who thought they could park in the West End, the nerve of some people!

- In the East Side, people pick up their dogs crap, not so in the West Side…no, people are far too chi chi to scoop that off the sidewalk.

No more West End girl

Well it’s official. We sold our condo in the West End and have moved East Side (barely though as people keep telling me, only by 1 block). It is truly the end of an era. I will miss the Sea Wall, my upstairs neighbor Jodi, Punchy and his blankie, Punchy wielding his can of Wildcat while looking menacingly at pedestrians, being able to walk to work and the safety of being in the Gaybourhood. Oh well, it’ll all be good in the new hood I am sure.

BC Ferries advertising

We were watching the hockey game and noticed a BC Ferries ad by the Canucks bench. Why the fuck is BC Ferries wasting money on advertising? It’s not like you can take a different ferry company over to the island, BC Ferries is a monopoly. How about spending that advertising (aka tax payer's) money to improve your services or lower fares for Christ’s sake; now THAT would actually make sense!

Overheard at the office

Says my cube mate this morning: "I fell asleep with mini pizzas in the oven last night. I woke up because my landlady was banging on my door. Now all my clothes smell like burnt mini pizza".

Woe is the Couv

The rains were biblical last night. Pretty much every hobo in the West End sought shelter near our building around 4am and I could hear them scrapping over bottles, carts and dry, covered space. I woke up extremely tired and cranky and then realized that the biblical rains had also turned our usually yummy Vancouver water, brown. Yeccch not again*rolls eyes*

Oink oink goes the pig

If you partake in the pleasure that is your office kitchen (the fridge, sink, microwave, etc.), here are some ground rules:

* If you leave evidence of your presence, clean it up. It’s really not all that difficult. Stop leaving your dishes in the sink for someone else to clean up, your mother does not live here and if she did, she says ‘you’re an adult, stop living like a pig!’

* Seriously, stop microwaving fish in the microwave, it stinks!!

* Your yogurt has been in the fridge for 6 months, please stop keeping your science experiments near my edible food.

* You walk into the kitchen and the kettle is boiling and you didn’t set it. That means, someone is ahead of you in line for hot water so don’t drain the entire kettle for your bucket of hot chocolate, take some and leave the rest…were you raised in a barn?

* Who threw the wash cloth and dish scrubber into the recycling bin this morning? This stuff does not grow on trees and we all use it, don’t be selfish and ruin it for others.

Do I look wealthy to you?

Cheap people piss me off. Some people never seem to have money on them yet feel perfectly comfortable eating, drinking and sharing cabs at the expense of others. The only thing more annoying than a cheap person is a cheap couple. Come on, you all know one…the couple that sits across from you and when the bill arrives, they start whispering to each other and take turns going to the washroom and don't even make an attempt to reach for their wallet. Nice try, cough up your half already. What is up with cheap people? Do they have no dignity and conscience at all?

Energy vampires

I was reading an interesting article about the topic of energy vampires this afternoon. My New Year’s resolution last year was to distance myself from such people and this year’s resolution was to actually stick by it and not take crap from such people. It seems that I had surrounded myself around some very jealous, bitter and downright obnoxious people who did nothing but stress me out. Since shedding said people from my life I have been happier, sleep better at night and don’t miss these handful of people in my life at all. It’s elating to not have someone take you down and make you feel bad for what you have accomplished and instead are supportive and genuine people.

Come undone

Grrrr what is with shoddy clothing these days? I bought a really nice pair of pants from Banana Republic the other day for about 100 bucks. One would think that BR has some nice quality stuff but I wore the pants once and the hems came unraveled already. This happens to all my pants lately, what’s up with that??

Techno fiends

I realise that I live in the Gaybourhood (Davie St. Village area, West End, Vancouver) but can someone please answer me a question that has been bothering me for quite some time? Why do all the businesses on Davie St. blast techno music from every shop at all hours of the day? I have more gay friends than the average person but my friends are not techno-exclusive so why all the friggin' techno? Sometimes it's nice rocking out on a Monday morning at 7:30 to some techno walking by the KFC but come on, can we mix it up a bit already?

The racist rock

So the man and I made the trek out to White Rock to have dinner with friends of ours the other night. I love it out there; you can see the stars (the ones in the sky that is), eat amazing local food, the local liquor store has specials on Mondays...I mean really, the place is pretty damn rad overall. Here's the best part though; Picturesque town and a really cute building, then you get on the elevator in their building and see this racist sign, nice! It cracks me right up, so NOT politically correct only down the road from uber PC Vancouver.

**Yes, this is the actual picture posted in their elevator!

JJ likes

I have several blogs that I read on weekly basis for both inspiration and because I usually need a laugh by mid-week. My new two personal faves are:

Stuff White People Like  

and  Steve Don't Eat It

Ferme ton gorlot!

It was a moment that would have made Pierre Elliott Trudeau proud. A Vancouver hobo was accosting people outside of the Royal Bank on Burrard St. in both of Canada's official languages on my walk home today. It kinda reminded me of of those those Canadian Heritage Moments commercials: the realization of Trudeau’s Official Languages Act.

Campaign trails

I'm on a Rick Mercer kick as of late and he got me thinking about elections. Don’t get me wrong, Canada totally rocks as a nation but I cannot lie; the elections up here are so friggin’ dull compared to what’s going on next door in the good ole’ USA. As Canadians, we love to think of ourselves as one of the world’s most progressive, ethnically diverse nations and yet there's big bad backwards America just over the fence and just look who's running for the big job down there: A woman, a Black man, Nader who claims to be Green (why??), a Mormon with really big hair, and some dude who was in a bamboo cage in Vietnam for 5.5 years. Meanwhile in Canada, we're gearing up for yet another race between a pudgy English white guy economist and a skinny French white guy with glasses and some other white English guy with bad facial hair. I keep seeing my friends go South to help with American election campaigns and I can see why: it’s inspiring, interesting and the times are changing down there while up here in Canada it’s more like same shit, different day.

Who exactly is rocking the vote?

I hadn’t thought about the topic of polls since my days back in university statistics class until the topic came up on the Mercer Report this week. It’s funny how governments do actually make decisions based on these figures and how all of our newspapers use them on a daily basis; but for what really? Who answers the phone when an unknown 1-800 number calls anymore? Every person I know in Vancouver under the age of 30 does not even have a landline anymore, they only have cell phones and pollsters do not call cell phones. So who exactly is taking these polls anyway? 80 year olds and crazy people are my guess. I would love to be polled but it looks like that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Oh well, I'd probably just mess with the pollsters anyway and say that I was voting for the Nudist Gardening Party again cause afterall, anything is better than Mayor Sam Sullivan.

It wasn't me

We truly are in an era of shying away from accepting all personal responsibilities and finding new things to blame our shortcomings on. I cannot tell you how many times I hear people who use their friggin’ horoscope as an excuse for their shoddy behaviour. No, you are not jealous and selfish because you are a Libra, you are just plain mannerless and rude. No, you didn’t cancel plans with me because you are a dual sided Gemini who’s other side must have made the plans with me, you broke the plans because you need a day planner. Grow the hell up already people and stop using your horoscope as a cop out.

Interruptasaurus

Do you not get that your constant interrupting, interjections and general butting in are not only disruptive but also rude? Your eavesdropping skills are not yet finely tuned so you tend to interject with something completely unrelated or self-centered and you pipe up in personal conversations that obviously do not concern you. Here's the funny thing: when people interrupt you, you get pissed and complain about how rude it is to be interrupted. Perhaps you should take the hint already?

RATWAY yogurt

The man and I went to Ratway, errr Safeway yesterday afternoon to pick up a few staple items for our take to work lunches for the week. I picked up my fave: Yoplait creamy yogurt and off we skipped, merrily home. So this morning as I was packing my lunch, I glanced at the expiration date on the container and I realized that Ratway had sold me expired yogurt, MF-ers!. So how many days are too many days when it comes to yogurt expiration dates anyway?? Insight anyone?

So popular it hurts

I’m on a really strong medication this week to help fight an infection. The pills do not make me feel too bad except for one thing: I was told by the doctor and the pharmacist that under NO circumstances am I to drink any alcohol as it will end up a la Exorcist and I will be puking/spewing everywhere. Fine, ok, it’s not like I had plans this week any way. Well turns out that the man and I have been invited to all sorts of fancy dinners and fun events with cool friends this week and dammit, I can’t even enjoy a glass of vino with my dinner. God must be punishing me for something.

Jealous much?

What is with people knocking university degrees as of late? I am sick and tired of those with barely a grade 12 education blathering on about how a degree does not make you a better person. University is most certainly not all that; most people I know who make the big bucks did so by attending college and got a trade but still…my degree is more useful than your grade 12 so seriously, shove it. Please understand that I am not bashing your certificate in business admin from Kwantlen College or whatever it is that you possess but obtaining a degree shows that one has work ethic and was able to stick it out for at least 4 years to earn something with their hard work. The next time you diss my degree and say that it’s not all that, I will speak up and make you look stupid…so don’t push me.

Get these mother*&ing idiots of this motherf*&king plane!

Hippie bitch sitting next to me on the Chicago to Vancouver flight; You chose to fall asleep what with your sleep mask, patchoulie sleeping oil and all so when you woke up as we were almost landing and got all pissy because I did not wake you up for a beverage when the cart came by 2 hours ago…you can bite my ass.

Black magnet

It’s kinda funny because when I'm in the ‘Couv, only old men talk to me (50 years old and up sorta thing) and in America, the Black men love me something fierce. I was standing in Starbucks by myself and was ordering my usual when all of a sudden this Black man behind me points at my ring and asks if I am married. I answered in the affirmative and he says “Well that’s ok doll, I’m ok with that”. Umm yeah, glad that’s ok by you dude. He kept asking me where my husband was at, noticed my iPod and offered to escort me to the Apple Store a few blocks away, invited me to the casino, asked where I was staying, etc. I tried to lose him a few times by taking back exits and such but he always kept popping up and finding me until I decided enough was enough and I grabbed a cab back to the hotel. Why does this shit always happen to me?

One night in AC

A group of us were out playing a quiet game of pool and drinking some beers when all of a sudden, the clock struck midnight in Atlantic City and all the blue hairs scurried to bed. We were asked to dump our beer into plastic cups and finish up and leave…WTF kinda town is this anyway??

Dude, where's my internet connection?

Ok, so I go to hook up my laptop so that I can get some work done while on the road and lo and behold, there is no internet hookup in my room to be found (surprise, surprise given this is a Trump Hotel). I call the front desk and ask for assistance and they tell me electrical will come up and help me. I wait for oh about 45 minutes and finally this huuuuge Black guy is at my door; cool I say. He was very efficient and nice but it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. The guy was bigger than a football player yet his voice was higher than mine and about every 20th word or so would dip down low like Barry White..I guess you had to be there.

The Donald needs a lesson in hospitality management

So I am about to step in the shower to have a much needed shower before bedtime because I reek of casino, cigarettes and gin. I turn on the water and quickly realise, ‘hey, there are no towels in this room, only a teeny tiny facecloth!”. So I turn off the shower and call housekeeping and convey my dilemma. I wait and wait and wait and finally at 2am, housekeeping comes by with 8 bath towels. I should not have had to call and ask for towels, they should just be there. What kind of hotel is this anyway?

Arrived in AC

My first impressions of this dump of a city called Atlantic City, New Jersey:

This is the ugliest American city I have ever laid eyes on, hands down.

I can’t get the Sopranos theme song out of my head.

The Trump Marina hotel where we are staying is TACKY: lights, casino sounds, reeks of cigarette smoke and stale booze.

Why is there a huge purple velvet curtain between the beds and the front door in my room?

Everyone visting here is old: there is far too much purple and cheetah print walking around.

Holy shit there are a lot of scooters here. The restaurants and the casinos have scooter parking out front.

The honeymoon is over

I am a duvet imperialist. I like nothing more than cuddling into my duvet and wrapping it around myself like a cocoon; my man however is less than enthusiastic about this practice. So after almost 10 years together we have decided that the honeymoon is now over and the time has come for us to be oh so European and do the separate duvet thing for sanity’s sake. After obsessing about it and what will people say when they come to our home and see this and think that we have relationship issues, I decided to do some internet research and I see that this practice is perfectly normal and has helped to improved marriages if anything so yeah, we’re going to give it a go.

Paws off!

Oh really, you ordered a grande latté too?? Small world indeed. The line was huge this morning as it is most mornings and seeing as we seem to be on the same schedule and all, 9/10 you are always behind me in line and have not even spat out your drink order before I am on my way to grab mine. So what are the odds that your grande latté will be ready before mine? Exactly, hands off MY latté already you crazy lady! Will you ever learn?

Diamonds are a junkies best friend

Perhaps I am just jaded and pessimistic, but dude, you're not getting these diamonds back! So a diamond dealer here in town loses 100K worth of diamonds on the street in East Vancouver because they fell out of his pocket. But then he goes on the news stating that he has a 10K reward for returning the 100K of diamonds to him. First of all, you lost them in EAST Vancouver and second, even junkies and hookers can do the math on this one…you’re SO not getting them back. What kind of idiot walks around town with 100K worth of diamonds in his pocket anyway?

**UPDATE Jan 30th/08: I type this update in a state of shock, *some* of the diamonds were returned today. Wow Vancouver, this is truly shocking!

Baby Geniuses?

I had to laugh out loud and applaud my pal Rena’s latest blog entry, FINALLY someone talking some sense! Granted, I know that I am not a mother but I have had enough friends have babies in the last while and feel that I have a vague idea of where they should be. They all smile, they all bounce to music, they all know their moms voice…I get that you love your baby and think that they are the greatest, smartest baby to ever grace the face of this earth but really, what are the odds? Most likely, your baby is quite average so give up on it already and stop being so friggin’ obnoxious about it. However, if your baby prodigy does find the cure for cancer or can recite the full name of Bangkok, then seriously, do give me a call.

**Reference Rena's post: 01.25.2007 "Yes, You Have the Cutest, Smartest Child Ever"..click on her name in green in the text above.

Willow Kinloch

Police brutality or doing their job? That’s for the courts to decide I guess but what is a bratty 15 year old girl doing completely drunk and stoned and out of control in the first place anyway? She couldn’t even slur her home address to the police officers trying to take her home. Do her parents really want to launch a lawsuit and inquiry 3 years after the fact into how this really started? As for her being scarred for life and "never being able to get over it", I think that was the whole point; This is what happens when you are drunk, arrested and become a danger to yourself. Yet another example of fine parenting *rolls eyes*

Natural selection at its finest

We were driving in the car yesterday on the way to the airport when a guy was on the radio saying that the demise of contemporary society coincides with the lawn dart ban in the late 1980’s. I had to laugh because his argument was a good one. Any household item used in a careless fashion can be harmful but lawn darts have earned a special place in history; unnecessarily in my opinion mind you. According to radaronline: Lawn darts were massive weighted spears. You threw them. They stuck where they landed. If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have moved. During their brief (and generally awesome) reign in 1980s suburbia, lawn darts racked up 6,700 injuries and four deaths. Thanks to taking lawn darts off the shelves, we are now left with these dumbasses on earth who otherwise would have been ‘taken care of’ by higher beings with a lawn dart to the head. Ahhh good ole’ natural selection.

Cue the circus music!

As far as I'm concerned, there are few things more annoying in life than baggage claim at an airport. I realize that the majority of the population is borderline retarded at best but come on people! We're all standing there patiently waiting to see our bag come around the carousel and grab it but you have to butt in with your luggage cart waiting to pick up 1 single tiny bag. First of all, you don't even need a luggage cart and you don’t need to ram it through a throng of people right up to the friggin' carousel making it damn near impossible for the rest of us. Some people should not be allowed in public.

I knew it!

How very annoying

Travel mugs that drip make me crazy. A travel mug is supposed to make your life easier by being able to grab your coffee and be on the go but how is it making ones life easier when there is coffee dripping out and spilling all over your shirt? Gawd.

Eeeeeew

What in the hell...Clamato is nasty. Budweiser is nasty. Put them together and you make JJ feel ill. I have seen navy people drink this concoction but you’d have to be a bit loco to join the navy so I kind of shrugged my shoulders. Who would pay for fishy smelling beer, errr piss water anyhow? Yuck

Parent Parking?

What's the deal with places like Home Depot and Whole Foods having "Parent Only Parking"? I have often seen whiny parents, scratch that...whiny mothers making snide remarks and giving dirty looks to those who happen to park in a "parent only parking" spot at 10 pm in an otherwise empty parking lot. This is after they have already parked their own car and are heading into the store with their gaggle of screaming children.

Why would you want to piss people off in the middle of the night with your kids hanging off your arms, hips and leg in a dark, fairly deserted parking lot? Are you stupid or something?

Funny though cause I have never seen a dad "defend" his right to a "parents only" parking spot. Most dads would not risk starting a fight for something so petty. This is called better judgment. Why can't the moms follow their example?

Scare Canada

So I was looking for flights on travelocity.ca today and I was shocked; Air Canada flights are now cheaper than WestJet, when in the hell did this happen?? But then I think back to my last NY JFK to Vancouver flight and remember this scenario:

Nice passenger lady “Air Canada, may I please have a pillow and blanket? It is oh so cold at 36,000 ft…"

Air Canada stewardess a la soup Nazi "No! No blanket for you. Five bucks."

It went something like that anyway.

I remember talking to a guy from England in the San Francisco airport back in November - his first experience on Air Canada was on a Vancouver/Toronto flight. His comment - completely unprompted mind you - “The planes are kind of tatty aren’t they? A bit like flying in the 70s.” Well said brutha, well said.

Infinite Asshattery

Hey, Stephen Harper; 4 cents off of my daily morning coffee?? Gee thanks, this 1% cut in GST surrrre beats something actually useful, like say oh I dunno....an income tax cut. Is it just me or is Serial Killer Harper a complete asshat?

Happy New Year Y'all

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Too long actually. A couple of times over the last while or so of my self-imposed boycott of the internet, i came close to breaking and posting something that i was burning to blog about but in the end i resisted! Oh well, I'm back and ready for 2008. I am sure that something will piss me off soon enough!