Padre Taco

We have finally moved into our fancy, swank new office in Bentall II. I have a great view, a brand spankin' new office chair and a beautiful snowflake in my window that Tom made. No more F-bomb office with Ed and Adi though...now I sit with Mary and Tom (sales), Teresa (marketing) and Jorge and Dina (finance). Quite the mix of people but so far, it's good in the hood.

I went down to the food fair for lunch and gave Padre Taco a whirl. The menu looked decent enough and the food was nice and cheap. I just have one question: Why does V8 cost .50$ more than a can of pop? It's the same size, comes from a tin, is in the same fridge. Why charge MORE for the healthy alternative?? Perhaps they think only fat, non-health conscious people will want to eat tacos and burritos so why cater to the health folks and their V8 drinking ways when you can suck the chubby ones in with mexi fries and Cream Soda, hmmm.

Guest Rant: my good buddy, Drain.

After talking with A.W. for some time about what peeves us about people, I decided to spice up the old blog with some rants from a different perspective. A.W. aka Drain is my first guest poster ever. I encourage others to send me their rants and if they are any good, I'll post them!
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Hi JJ,

As we discussed, Lewis Black and his creative team asked me to come up with some material for his upcoming visit to Vancouver. It was not hard as there are sooooo many asinine, inconsiderate, lazy, selfish people in the Lower Mainland who thinks the world revolves around them. Of course, “certain “ groups or people seem worse than others but generally I think we can describe the whole melting pot as a freak show.

By no means are these points inclusive but I am using as a blueprint to get me started and there is no shortage of material.

So people have shown us how frigging stupid, inconsiderate, selfish etc. etc. they are in a few areas:

When driving you see all sorts of idiotic and selfish behavior.

When did using a turn signals and stopping for red lights (and yellows) become optional? And use of cell phones while driving only helps people avoid these tedious tasks. Not sure if this is plain stupidity or just laziness. But either way-you are idiots who make me want to become a cop so I can give you tickets and to piss you off.

The people who don’t bother to show a cursory thank you when you let them into traffic or to whom you yield to when coming the opposite direction down a narrow lane or street. A little thank you would be considerate. Just put up your hand Asshole or next time I won’t let you go…
And for those people who don’t know – when another driver flashes their lights-you can go. It’s just common sense, which obviously you don’t have.

Also, when turning left in an intersection why do some brain surgeons not move out enough so that they are not the only ones who can turn on the light-what about the people behind you or do you want to be the only one that gets to go through? So don’t be afraid to move out a little so other people behind you can inch into the intersection-once a driver is in the intersection he/she can proceed through the light. Your selfishness or ignorance slows traffic down and basically pisses off people in all directions.

Cyclists actually do belong on the road- the law is that you have to give them 3M room. Deal with it and please no more dirty looks for the cyclists just being on the road. It’s always extra special when drivers do this on a bike lane. Frigging idiots!

It’s always special when smokers toss their cigarette butts out the window. Especially when they land on other cars. So it’s basically, fuck the outside world as long as the inside of your car is not littered with the fucking things..right? right? Get a life!

And pedestrians-crossing streets in the dark, dressed in black, while it is raining…not a brilliant idea and please increase your sloooow shuffle while doing so. Also, no need to hurry up when crossing at a light when it has turned against you-don’t worry, nobody thinks it’s selfish…

Also, there are both streets and sidewalks on Granville Island. Pedestrians please use the correct one. Tourists aren’t the only ones (locals are pretty stupid also) wandering aimlessly along the roads and walking blindly into traffic. A few signs informing these rocket scientists the correct place to wander would be helpful. But just once I would like to teach them a lesson…like a video game…and clear them out….in my car.

And at the gym:

Love those selfish people at the water fountain who don’t mind having people wait for them while they fill their water bottle up to the very top. And then walk away so they don’t have to look at you. No amount of looking away will hide the fact you are a selfish prick… get it?

And of course those special people who walk around in a sweat dripped t-shirt and who don’t wipe down the equipment after they use. It is not cool to be walking around like that and you are a loser. Change your shirt you prick! You also stink….and various holes or baggy, old cotton t-shirts are not a fashion statement unless there is some sort of Mr. or Ms. refugee from Surrey contest coming up. And you are not hiding the fact you have an ugly and fat body either…..we can tell…really…..you are not fooling anyone.

Also, in what world do people not put away their weights or equipment after use? Please tell me because you can send these people there and they can go with the ones who don’t have the courtesy to ask to work in with you and who’d rather just sneak in when you just happen to look away. Brilliant strategy fuckwad and it would get you a bullet in the head if this were Iraq.

Also, there is no need to scrub everything over and over again when showering. Especially when people are waiting. These are not your personal showers where you can wring out every last second of maximum cleaning time in order to save a few pennies at home. Also, there is a reason for the no spitting, brushing, or shaving in the shower sign.

Miscellaneous observations.

Hope there is special place in hell for these inconsiderate people who:

Stay on the cell phone through a whole retail transaction. The clerk does not know how to deal with you and the people behind you just think you are a pompous prick who thinks they are better than everyone else. Trust us, you are not that important!

Don’t flush after using (taking a dump) a public toilet. Or piss all over the seat in a mens bathroom. That is just wrong and it really, really is socially unacceptable. Always such a nice present when opening a stall…

And smokers. Don’t light up right beside me and foul the clean air. And do not block building entrances. Some of us find the air you foul offensive. We just need a really good comment to put you into your place. You low lifes feel your right to smoke outweighs our right to breathe. Somehow, “ fuck you asshole “ does not cover it”

Love those people who spit everywhere. The nice touch is doing this after a clearing of the throat, which announces the person’s intention ahead of time.

Umbrella Etiquette. The purpose of the umbrella means you don’t need to walk under the awnings to stay dry. Unlike the people who don’t have umbrellas! Frigging stupid assholes!

On a more personal note-many thanks to ICBC for charging $35 to make a simple keyboard entry to cancel ones auto insurance. Who needs private insurance companies when government utilities can provide such service?

And special thanks to the Kerrisdale mom who has finally forced me to lose faith in the sensibilities of most people. A quick hint- when someone returns your lost wallet- it is common courtesy to at least thank the person responsible and give them a token reward for their time and effort-and a sideways glance that emotes disdain is not what I am thinking of.

Cross-eyed Goodness

This is not really a rant but more of a comment because it's not something one can help but I must mention it cause well, it's funny. Not sure why I am apologising but in this politically correct world and being Canadian, it's in my blood I suppose.

I go to this great little falafel joint for lunch now and then that's close to my work. The food is reasonably priced, the helpings are ginormous and there is almost never a line. Most of the girls at the counter are speedy and efficient, all except for 1. She is a nice enough girl, don't get me wrong but when I go up to the counter and see the cross-eyed girl, I know I will be leaving the place slightly annoyed.

First off, I hate HATE HATE when people give change the following way: They lay the bills out and attempt to stack the change on top of the bills. They hand you your change as it wobbles around like the tower of Pisa and 1/2 the time you catch it in such a way that you cannot get it into your wallet or else it will fall all over the place. Simon taught me that I should basically smack it out of their hand to teach them a lesson but this was loonies and toonies so I was not willing to take the risk (yeah Salad Loop @ Harbour Centre...the look on her face was priceless).

Change handling aside there is another issue with cross-eyed girl. She loads up the ginormous helping of falafel, salad, tzatziki/hot and whatever else sauce inside of it's styrofoam container and EVERY time (because of her cross-eyes I am assuming) she flips the container upside down when she puts it in the plastic bag so I can walk it back to my desk to eat it's falafely goodness. In tipping it upside down though it means that I have this oozing Midlde Eastern mess by the time I am back at my desk and the food is all mixed up. Grrrrrr.

Give her dish duty or something, I am tired of my lunch arriving looking like pig slop.

Armageddon

We had an absolutely shitastic storm last night/this morning here in Vancouver. Power was out all over the place, trees were down and worst of all, they placed a boil water advisory over the entire GVRD.

Our taps have been spewing this nasty brown, cloudy water since 7 a.m. We only drink bottled water at home anyway so I really didn't care one way or another...Well that was until I went to Safeway and attempted to go to Starbucks.

Safeway was complete mayhem: old people everywhere, 17 people fighting over the last 12 L Culligan water tank, a lady asking how to make Perrier water 'unfizzy' and a hippie dude talking about beaver fever and how we would all be sorry tomorrow. It was absolute chaos but also quite amusing. I managed to score a 1L bottle of Evian unscathed.

I then toddled on down to Starbucks for a wee latte. I went to the counter and placed my order and they then informed me that I could only have juice or one of those nasty cold frappuccino bottled things. I was like "wtf?" and they told me that they could not serve coffee because of the water advisory. I did however score a free coffee coupon for next time which almost made up for it.

I need caffeine; now dammit.

I'm Not a Racist But This Ain't Hanoi

Canada is known to be one of the most multicultural nations around but what else do we happen to be known for? That's right, politeness! Or at least I thought it was...

I was out today getting my talons filed down a.k.a. a basic manicure. I went to a little place that was closer to my home instead of my usual place seeing as the weather was less than stellar. The lady at the front desk seemed nice enough and the place was packed with business women so I figured, hey, this place must be allright.

So I was sitting down there getting my cuticles shoved back in the most fierce of manners when I started realising that not only were ALL of the nail techs jabbering away in Vietnamese, but they were also pointing not so discreetly at certain women and laughing, making lame impersonations, etc. Most women were too busy reading the tabloids or admiring themselves in the mirror to notice but for the 5 or so who were with it, we started looking at each other in a stunned sort of disgust mixed with slight amusement (seeing as the vain women were being mocked, not us).

I must have given my nail tech a bit of a snotty look or something because she leaned over and said "Oh don't worry, we are only talking of Vietnam cause we miss it sooo verrrry much". Yeah right, my ass you were.

Reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine was convinced that the Korean manicurists were talking about her. She knew that George Costanza's father, Frank, served in the Korean war and could speak the language so she convinced him to join her there and listen in to see if in fact they were mocking her in Korean. Turns out that yes, they were in fact making fun of her.

So, anyone speak Vietnamese?

Umbrella Etiquette

How about a little lesson in umbrella etiquette for all of those lacking a shred of common sense:

1. Do not walk around blindly with your umbrella held in front of your face expecting everyone else to move for you....I really hope you trip so I can laugh at your expense.

2. If three of you each with their own giant-ass golf umbrella insist on meandering side by side down the sidewalk, pick up the fucking pace. You're holding everyone up behind you and we don't want to step into the 2 foot deep puddles beside the curb just to get around your slow ass.

3. Go ahead and keep your umbrella up until the last second before you walk into my office building or Starbucks, but if you turn around and shake it off towards those of us behind you, i will grab it and shake my wet umbrella in YOUR face!

4. If your umbrella is in need of repair i.e. has a sharp pointy piece of metal at my eye level then suck it up princess, it's time to lay 10 bucks down on a new umbrella that doesn't impale innocent pedestrians you cheap dangerous mofo.

5. Awning or umbrella?...choose one and stick with it, douchebag.

Overheard in Vancouver

I blame the temperate weather, the former Social Credit party for letting the crazies out of institutions and the copious amounts of cheap mouthwash at the Army & Navy store for much of Vancouvers 'special' people on the streets but some of them are just so damn odd that I am left speechless.

For instance yesterday; I was walking home from work passing by the Granville St. skytrain station and this crazy old man was walking up to people and shouting "I killed my wife because she never listened!!". Yeah, um, ok...not sure what to say to you man but I am just gonna cross the street here and not make eye contact.

Then around 9:30 p.m. last night I went out for a late night hot chocolate with Jacob so we could bring it home and spike it with Bailey's for a wee nightcap. Outside of the liquor store there was this old dude with a guitar singing a very interesting song. I figure he got confused as he would sing one line from the Rolling Stones "Give Me Shelter" and then the next with Rolf Harris' "Tie Me Kangaroo Down" and kept going back and forth. It was friggin' hilarious and he actually had a few loyal fans enjoying the remix.

Gotta love the crazies. I will always remember my favourite encounter ever though, it was in Gastown and I was with Si Si (Simon). This very pregnant lady sauntered up to us with a cigarette in her hand and asked us for change. We politely told her no and she screamed/slurred at us "Fuck you...I'm drinking for two!" and hobbled off. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing...I had tears as I was holding it in till she was far enough away. Ahh the 'Couv.

West End Pirate

I wake up for work just after 7 am everyday. I am not sure about everyone else but my best sleep of the night is the 2 hours before my alarm rattles me awake.

There is this punkass who lives across the street and loves to park on the street right across from our bedroom window. He drives this ugly black truck with 2 huuuuuuge tail pipes, extra wide rear wheels and some lame-o pirate logos on the driver and passenger doors.

He likes to start his truck around 10 minutes to 6 a.m. on a daily basis. Keep in mind that within our one block there are probably at LEAST 2000 people living/sleeping there (a few small buildings and 3 Beach Tower towers). His truck sounds like some sort of cave dwelling beast from hell. He starts it up and it growls SO loud and he keeps gunning it to warm it up. Guaranteed it will stall and then he'll start it up again giving it even more gas until he tears off down the road. This ordeal lasts on average 2 minutes per morning

This pirate truck wakes Jacob and I up every day almost and I am sure it wakes everyone else up as well. WTF is up with this pirate fella anyway? Yeah, you the man with such a loud annoying truck in downtown Vancouver...Get a bus pass, fix your truck or do something cause I am beyond mad, now I'm just plain bitter and may have to do something to your precious pirate truck.