Conference Calls Can be Fun

I was stuck on a very long client call today and it just so happened that they were Dutch. One guy kept saying “tight integration” in what seemed like every sentence but whenever he said ‘tight’ it reminded me of Goldmember from Austin Powers. It was all I could do to not completely lose it on this call, good times

Decomp Microwave

I am sure that all office people have a love/hate relationship with their communal office microwave. What is with certain people consistently bringing in food that smells like decomp though? First of all, what the fuck is it that you’re heating up and second, why in the hell can I smell it from the conference room on the complete other side of the office? It’s beyond nasty and it seems unfair to make innocents suffer on account of your lunch, how can you even eat that crap anyway? You are the same people who rarely help unload the dishwasher or clean up, so my guess is that your home is a complete pig sty at well, yuck.

Smurfland

We get it, you were a volunteer during the Olympics. Well you know what? The games are over and you look like a complete idiot in your electric blue volunteer jacket. During the 17 days of the Olympics, I actually enjoyed the look of a colony of Smurfs descending upon our fair city, but now I think you all look like a bunch of tools. Surely you have another jacket in your wardrobe, how about you wear that instead? Oh and another thing...your staff/volunteer pass no longer gets you on the bus for free, your glory days are over, so stop arguing with the bus driver and pay your bus fare like the rest of us.

JJ's Paralympic Torch experience aka I'm definitely going to hell

There was quite a crowd on the corner of Georgia and Granville this afternoon decked out in their Canada gear, frantically clanging their cowbells. We stopped to take part in the fun as it would be the first time that we would see the Paralympic torch coming through the city. I was expecting the torch bearer to be oh I dunno, someone in a wheelchair or with some sort of disability. Instead some 12 year old kid with nothing Paralympic looking about him came sauntering down the street with the torch in his hand. I felt completely ripped off and was desperately looking for any kind of gimp, limp… even a lazy eye! Dammit, there was nothing. Rena laughed and then said “Well, we’re both going to hell.”

We were made for this

Who knew that Canadian patriotism plus Olympic red mittens would equal a great hiding spot for a mickey of booze; I bet that the Hudson’s Bay Company never thought of that sort of legacy with their red mittens!

Angry Canuck

It seems that a lot of the foreign media is bashing our attempt at the Olympics this week *cough British and American* I have to laugh though as most of the criticism are things involving the weather (out of our control) and how boring the opening ceremonies were as compared to Beijing. First off, we have never had a winter this warm since we started keeping records of these things over 100 years ago and second, China is a communist nation with both infinite budget and infinite volunteers so really, I would like to see any nation try to top them, even you USA. The thing perhaps that gets me the most though (as it's personal) is the American media making fun of our politeness. Seriously, what is so wrong with saying 'please, thank you and you're welcome'? And another thing, no one pronounces it 'aboot' on the West Coast so get your head out of your ass American media and maybe try leaving your hotel room for a change and actually talk to a real Canadian or two.

USA is not so A-OK

Not everyone was able to afford Olympic tickets and some people just plain got shafted by VANOC's shitty website and were unable to get tickets even though they were ready, willing and able to with Visa cards in their paws. Despite this fact there was a nice consolation prize that was open to everyone else: Country Pavilions. These are fun places located all over the city where you can drink the local beverages of the visiting nations and learn about their Olympic team and meet some new people. Seems fairly harmless and fun I'd say. Well about the only place not open to the public is the Team USA House; Nothing open to the public you say? No interactive exhibits? No goodwill ambassadors? Oh wait, but I can BUY something and then get the hell out with security breathing down my neck? How perfectly American. I'll save my money thanks! To not have any interactive public exhibits while the rest of the world extends goodwill? Why can't we all just be friends?

** Props go to Mary for bringing this sad little tidbit of international relations to my knowledge.

Olympic fever?

I am sick to death of people whining and bitching about the Olympics. Yeah the roads will be a mess for 3 weeks but come on people, this is going to be the biggest party ever and we get to show off our city to the world. For all of you whiners and protesters in your $500 North Face jackets, I better not see you out and about at any of the free concerts or in the beer gardens…remember? You hate the Olympics, stay at home, you're no fun anyway. I am hoping that the Olympics will make Vancouver a little more relaxed and a lot more fun, here's hoping!

JJ’s angry dance

Every year, without fail when I get my T4 (income tax return up here in Canada) and I see line 22 (income tax deducted) I almost faint. Don’t get me wrong, I adore living in Canada and I love all of my socialised medicine and stuff but ouch, you bastards in Ottawa took a ton of my money yet again and well, that kinda sucks.

RBW

The cool corner has come out with a new office appropriate acronym, ‘RBW’: Raised By Wolves. It is usually muttered under our breath several times a day when certain people do really odd/stupid/idiotic things. Good times in office land.

I’ve got a new attitude

The B-Line has turned me into a complete asshole. I used to be nice and queue along with the masses, patiently awaiting my rightful turn to get on the bus only to be broadsided by someone hell bent on budging and getting on before everyone else. After being hit in the face with umbrellas and newspapers as well as receiving several sharp elbows to my ribs (ow) I have decided that enough is enough, fuck this shit, I am getting on the goddamn bus. Seeing as I am about a foot taller than the major demographic that loves to budge their way onto the bus, I am at a major advantage; I can easily shove them to the side and I have yet to be left waiting for the next bus since I have adopted my new attitude.

Technology impaired

Thing that annoys me today: People who come by my desk to inform me that they have just sent me an e-mail, seriously? I will get around to your e-mail as soon as I can but why you feel the need to stand over me and watch me read your e-mail 3.5 seconds after you hit ‘send’ is beyond me. Don’t be surprised if I communicate my reply to you in the most efficient way possible, via my middle finger.

‘Couv Labyrinth

I’ve lived in the ‘Couv for about 5 years now and I still always get Howe and Hornby St’s as well as Mainland and Hamilton St’s mixed up…please tell me that it’s not just me? I know that the place that straightens my fro is on either Hamilton or Mainland yet I always pick the wrong one when I get off the Skytrain and I know that the HSBC bank is either on Hornby or Howe but I can never remember which one. Luckily it only adds a block to my walking route either way but it’s still damn annoying.

I'm just saying...

Hoarders

Well, here is another show to add to my ‘not to watch before bedtime’ repertoire; I was flipping through the channels last night and accidently found this show called Hoarders on A&E. The man accuses me of being a packrat but the people on this show live literally meter deep in trash and rotten food. This one woman had to board up various parts of her home because her goats were eating through the walls via the outside thus exposing her to the elements. I sat there stunned and horrified that anyone could let their house get into such a state, I mean come on…the goats ate through everything and she didn’t even have running water for over 2 years.

Logtastic!

I took my work colleague from the UK along with me to a fabulous, west of Denman St. holiday party last night. Nick has been to Canada and the United States plenty of times before but this was his first experience with the Christmas Yule Log. He couldn't believe that we have a program on television that is all log, all the time in December and so we all spent some time excitedly explaining to him about the guy who pokes the fire and adds more logs to it and how his sweaters are different every year. I think that Nick thought that we were all pulling his leg when all of a sudden people started screaming "Loooook, he's poking the fire!" and everyone stopped their conversations to look for a wedding ring and to talk about his sweater choice for this year. I love how something as simple as a log can bring people together.

JJ as a black cloud

Sometimes one just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and today was definitely one of those days for me. I got off the train at Waterfront and was walking up Granville St. when I saw that there were cones all over the sidewalk as someone decided to smash the window of the pharmacy. I stood by the cones for maybe 2 seconds assessing the situation: will I have to cross the street or can I just walk around the cones and carry on my merry way on the side of the street that I want to be on? In the 2 seconds that it took me to make my decision, this old guy wielding an oxygen tank and a cane glares at me menacingly, grunts and shakes his cane at me to move out of his way to which I promptly screamed "Dude!" and flipped him the bird. The guy behind me burst out laughing and said "Bad day already?"...yeah, ya think?

Annoying people pet peeve number #BZ-56743

This pet peeve would have to be people who only ping me to talk about themselves and their good news and can barely squeak out a “Well, how are you doing JJ?” Selfish people piss me off and don’t think for a second that I don’t realize you do this. Funny enough, but these are usually the very same people that when you do have good news of your own, you are too scared to tell them as you know that they will talk about you behind your back or find something negative in your news. This is the year when I will seriously stick to my plan of divorcing people who are lame and who suck what little positive energy that I have left out of me. This time I mean it.

As Canadian as Gordon Lightfoot

What could possibly be as Canadian as Gordon Lightfoot you may ask? Well, that would have to be politeness and honesty. I was walking into the Canada Line station after work today and there was a temporary sign placed at the bottom of the escalator by the fare machines announcing "There are fare checks going on today, please make sure to have your pass ready for inspection." Sure enough once you got around the corner there were transit police and cops standing there with their ticket books ready to catch fare jumpers. What other place in the world would be nice enough to warn you ahead of time that there are fare checks ahead? Ahhh Canada, you are too damn nice sometimes!

Pesto Justice

The Republic of East Vancouver is proving itself to be endlessly entertaining since I moved here a year and a half ago now. After a night of a few too many beers on a school night, I was inspired to try the $1.25 a slice pizza joint by the B-line stop on Main & Broadway (it was actually quite tasty and I have since had it sober!) I was patiently waiting for my slice of pesto 'zza when in ran a plain clothes police officer who was out of breath and red faced. He started yelling to everyone in the restaurant "Have any of you seen a Native guy, long black hair in a red hoodie come by here in the last few minutes?"

Lady in a Reebok pink jacket with a platinum blonde weave "You mean a guy, maybe Mexican or something in a blue jean jacket?"
Guy with nasty looking dreads and flip flops "I saw a guy in a red hoodie...but that was yesterday, man..."
Fresh off the boat shop owner "Maybe big guy? Yellow hair, old?"

JJ, clutching her pesto pizza, swaying slightly thanks to the pitchers on special with a mouthful of said pizza "You mean that guy?" The cop turned around and screamed "YES!! That's him!" and off he went after the guy that I had spotted darting across the street in front of a bus and before I knew it, he had tackled him onto the sidewalk and was shouting at him while cuffing him.

Just doing my part to keep the Republic safe ;)