East Van Anthem

Now that I live in East Van, I notice that people actually lock up their belongings with great fervor. But seriously, what is up with those car alarms that have like 4 different sounds? There is the traditional “beep, beep, beep” followed by the air raid siren sound, followed by the police siren’ish one and then it finishes up with the flock of Canadian geese sound. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Is that really necessary?

Hail to the Chimp

Yes, your life and your time are far more important than the server behind the counter getting your morning coffee for you, a-hole. On a nearly daily basis I am left shaking my head at people’s complete lack of manners and disregard for common decency. If you are being served by someone, hang up your damn cell phone already and talk to them like the human being they are, they not your servant and no one is impressed by your conversation; your cheap polyester suit already shows me that you are a complete wank at best.

Merci Québec

I am not going to rag on about the popular vote and how unfair first past the post can be as I will look like a huge whiner seeing as my party lost *sniffle* but I am going to give a huge shout out to Québec for saving us from a much worse fate. Last night Harper and his Conservatives came dangerously close to obtaining a majority government but thanks to our Québécois friends voting for the Bloc, Serial killer Harper is stuck with yet another minority government. I find it quite ironic that a sovereigntist party saved Canada yesterday but they did and we should all thank them profusely.

Dahmer burger

I was watching tv with the man last night when a commercial came on for A&W. They were introducing a new sirloin burger called “The Uncle Burger”. This adds to their ‘family’ line up of: Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Teen Burger, etc. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Is it just me or is someone at A&W a wee bit f’ed up? I think their product and branding managers are cannibals or something.

Post-debate Palin ponderings

Okay, I know that this will sound a bit catty but I'm seriously disappointed that Palin didn't completely crash and burn in the VP debates this evening. I wanted carnage and embarrassment on that stage tonight! And don't lie, you know that you wanted it too! Oh well. How in the hell can Sarah Palin be able to pronounce 'Ahmadinejad' but can't pronounce 'nuclear'? She is like a female Dubya but even dumber...who knew it was possible?

Initiative

A former work colleague of mine told me a story about his 10 year old daughter today that made me proud and restored my faith in the American youth of today. P. lives in New York state and his daughter has a pen pal in Scotland. On her own initiative this weekend after hearing about the possible financial bailout and about McCain for the past several weeks, she took it upon herself to search for real estate in Scotland in the same neighbourhood as where her pen pal lives. Friggin' hilarious! What parent wouldn't be proud of that? Cracks me right up.

I am so smart, S-M-R-T!

Despite me feeling like a total dumbass, I still have to say that it's nice to know that I live in a very safe building. I went out last night to a birthday celebration. I came in pretty late and locked the deadbolt in the apartment behind me. The man got up early to go get his hair cut and said "Come here, look what you did!" Well, I had indeed turned the deadbolt but I had not shut the door first so basically the door was wide open all night/morning, nice; I suppose I had a little more to drink than I had thought! No one walked in and took anything so I have to say that I feel pretty safe in our new digs!

Living la vida National Enquirer

People who talk about the stock market, bailout plans, interest rates, etc. as if they have some sort of actual knowledge of these things are coming out of the woodwork this past week. All of a sudden everyone and their dog are speaking out about their theory on the US economy. Did y’all get an economics degree, an international banking background and a degree in US history and politics since last week when I talked to you and you did not even know what a ‘greenback’ was? That or most of you are talking out of your asses (noooo that can’t be!). Either way, it’s becoming highly annoying. Oh, and for the last time, just because it was on CNN does not make it the gospel, mmmkay???

Coach intervention

Coach had a huge sale on this week at their store on Burrard Street. It was absolute mayhem: women everywhere grabbing at anything and everything, beautiful wallets and handbags at fire sale prices, ladies following one another to make sure they were actually buying the bag and not putting it back on the shelf, etc. It was a pretty fun way to spend a lunch hour really. I went there with my fave posse from work and we helped one colleague in particular as he shopped for a handbag for his very stylish wife. He had a hideous looking denim-esque Coach bag in his hand and we all saw it from different corners of the store and rushed in to tell him that it was ugly and to put it back. It was a true intervention and it was beautiful how we all came together to make sure that P’s wife did not get an ugly looking handbag, ahhh teamwork.

Crosswalks are bad

You know who you are *chirp, chirp*; do you push the walk button over and over and over again at an intersection every damn morning all the while that chirpy sound the button makes is driving everyone at the bus stop beside you absolutely bonkers? *chirp, chirp* Notice how people tell you to friggin’ stop doing that *chirp, chirp, chirp*, that it doesn’t make the light change any faster every single day *chirp, chirp*? You wear the same pink, ill-fitting jacket everyday so you’re pretty hard to miss. *chirp, chirp, chirp* For 3 straight minutes, every single weekday, you make me and everyone else at that bus stop want to slap you silly *chirp*.

Oasis Car Wash

Is it just me or does everyone at the Oasis Car Wash in North Van look like an escaped convict? We bring Hatchy there about once a month for a wash and a wax. The men there all wear orange jump suits, look scruffy, smoke heavily and they all have scary looking tattoos and piercings. It’s kind of a freaky looking place but man they do a good job and all for only $15.

Office Etiquette 101: Speakerphone & you

People who conduct loud conference calls on speakerphone without shutting their office door…Hellooooo, I too am trying to get some work done here. We get that you are trying to make sure that we all hear just how important you are but could you please close the damn door already so the rest of us can get some work done already?

Bus Batman

I seem to be on the same time schedule as the new vigilante of the #19 Stanley Park/Metrotown bus. He has taken it upon himself to educate the masses on the proper way to disembark on a bus. The other day a woman was holding her toddlers small little hand and was stepping off the bus at her stop. A pushy woman behind her decided that they weren’t moving fast enough so she slammed into momma and toddler which sent momma on her butt on the friggin’ sidewalk. Cue Bus Batman! He came flying off the bus slamming pushy lady into a tree and screamed “are you freakin’ kidding me??”. Pushy woman gets up looking all stunned while everyone on the bus cheered and those of us who got off at the same stop all gave Bus Batman fist bumps, booyah, in your face pushy people. Learn some goddamn manners already.

Wireless Wave sucks ass

I have been a loyal customer of Wireless Wave for about 10 years now, considering how they treat me though, I have no idea why. My Sony Ericsson cellphone is a complete lemon. When people call me, the line goes dead and I cannot restart the phone for about 30 minutes or so, piece of shit, no? I brought the phone in back in May and they ‘fixed’ it saying that it was a software issue. Fine, cool. Well, it started acting up again and I bring it back for the 2nd time and the gal at the counter argues with me saying I have never brought it in before. Umm WTF? I show her the service bill from May and her jaw drops and I’m like “so are you going to apologise for calling me a liar?” and she keeps opening and closing her mouth like a guppy. Customer service licks these days. Piss me off.

I wouldn’t even line my birdcage with it

Stephen Harper is such a dipshit that it's almost beyond beating a dead horse to say so. Calling him a fucking idiot is akin to saying that water is wet. It's like, DUH! What's the point in even saying it anymore? I have now received 5 flyers mailed to my home covering the topics of: safe injection sites, car theft, crime, etc. I am not ever going to vote Conservative and it pisses me off that my tax dollars are paying for these stupid ass flyers to be delivered to me. Piss off and how about putting my money towards something useful like hospitals, childcare and highways? I don’t want your conservative propaganda and frankly, you and your powder blue sweater vests scare me.

Hooked on fonix werked fer me

I read this interesting article in Time today. I am of the camp that believes that we should not bend in order to accommodate those who cannot spell. I work and correspond with people who cannot spell simple words on a daily basis; it is truly appalling. I am not talking about those who are 25 years and younger who were lucky enough to grow up with spell check as their bitch, but I am talking about those of us who actually learned how to spell but seem to have forgotten the basic, simple rules of the English language (those who are ESL or who have a learning disability are obviously exempt from my rant!). The one line that really got me in this article though was from someone complaining about how something as trivial as spelling can lead to someone not getting a job because of an error on their CV. Ummm so it should! If you are too damn lazy to manually spell check and review your CV then what kind of employee would you make? Probably a lazy and sloppy employee at best.

False advertising at its finest

Are you sure about that Greyhound? Do you maybe wanna retract that statement? Just a bit? I for one will never, ever be taking the bus again or sleeping on a plane.

Say wha??

This weekend was Pride week here in Vancouver. After marching in the parade we hit Davie Street by storm and enjoyed plenty of gin and laughs. Every bar that we went to though eventually played that song by Katy Pary, "I kissed a girl". I get it: it's Pride, it's a woman singing about kissing another woman but there is one line of the song that goes "I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it". Um girl, have you been livin' under a rock? Apparently 99% of men dream about their woman kissing another woman *shakes head* Where have you been??

Bridezillas take note!

Wedding season is upon us and everyone and their dog is tying the knot. I cannot believe that I have to even post this but when it comes to communicating your gift preferences through invitations, it is not at all acceptable to suggest, allude to or even hint about the type that you would like (or presume that you’re getting a gift at all). Never, ever; no exceptions!

If you are registered at a particular store (as I was for my very own wedding), or if your preference is for a cash gift, tell the women in your family and let them spread the word on your behalf so that you don’t look like a greedy, selfish little brat. I was aghast with an invite that I received last week; the bottom of the invite said “Cash gifts preferred”. This is the absolutely lowest place to go and you can guarantee that I’ll be giving them something other than cash just to spite them.

Seinfeld ponderings

When I’m not mind numbingly scrutinizing the daily stock ticker, getting riled about the fuel and food shortage while panicking about the impending collapse of the U.S. economy I’m usually looking back at things that happen during the day and comparing them to a Seinfeld episode. Does anyone else do this or am I completely off my rocker? Today for instance I was on the bus and this old man shuffles on board wearing goggles. It reminded me of the episode when George has his glasses stolen at the pool and had to walk around wearing his prescription goggles; wicked.