My other blog is a Lexus

I walk to work every day from the West End to downtown and back. As soon as I hit Burrard Street, a strange phenomenon begins…Whenever I have the walk signal, a Mercedes or a BMW tries to mow me down. It’s strange because these cars cost over 60,000$ each and yet they do not seem to come equipped with turn signals or drivers over 5 feet tall who can see over the dashboard. I am a pretty laid back pedestrian, that is, until you try to kill me when I have the right of way. Kudos to the lady who threw her coffee at the A-hole in the blue BMW convertible that nearly killed us on Davie St. this morning. You were talking on your phone, making an illegal turn on a red light and almost killed 5 people in the process…If I wasn’t so attached to my latté, it would have been 2 coffees going your way, retard.

The Dole ain't just for Pineapples!

I am having a really hard time stomaching the story of the conjoined twins in Vernon. They were brought into this world knowing full well that there was a very slim chance they would survive and even if they did, it would be a miserable existence. Their mother is a 21 year old welfare dependant drain on society who already has 2 young children and then she selfishly brought two more into this world. These babies did not ask to be born and I pity them and hope they are in no pain but seriously, what in the hell is wrong with this woman? I know plenty of people who cannot conceive and who are undergoing 10,000$ a pop in vitro treatments and are still not having any success. I swear, people should have to write a test in order to become a parent. I wish that my tax money was going towards those who actually need it and not to those who missed the grade 8 sex ed class on basic contraception. These babies deserve better.

p.s. Thanks to Si Si for the creepy ass picture and the wicked title ;)

Change can be good

Normally, I am opposed to change; why mess with a good thing? Well on Monday, they totally changed the format of my daily newspaper, the Globe and Mail. It now looks like a dumbed-down version of its former self and I think it sorta looks like a webpage. I must say I do like the new Globe though because they seem to have a new-found hate-on for Stephen Harper which I think is hilarious. It’s about time! I support anyone/anything/any paper that is trying to bring down this Conservative government...enjoy your minority government while it lasts Mr. Harper and start packing!

Random Haiku

What the fuck, future?

It's been over twenty years:

where's my hover car?!

Something about bees & honey & catching them

“Well... well look. I already told you: I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?” - Tom Smykowski, Office Space.

Some days I think that I should just stay in bed and not come to work; today is one of those days. Even though the above quote is about customers, my issue today is not with them but is actually about some colleagues who do not get the concept that you get more things (help, resources, etc.) if you are NICE to the person who holds what you need. What have you done for me lately? Exactly, nothing.

Turco, it's behind you

So the Canucks got lucky and after being scoreless in the last two games, they finally got around to winning the series last night. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them and it’s good for business in the ‘Couv but why can’t we admit that we got lucky? Naslund sucks for the most part, the Sedin twins (although my fave) are great but not for games 5&6 and Linden although a hero today will just go back to being the ‘old guy’ soon enough. Luongo is the best player we have, hands down, too bad his job isn’t to also score some goals! If we thought Dallas was hard to beat just wait for the Anaheim Ducks…should be an interesting series. My favourite Canuck team member is Obie, the orca blimp that drops coupons and gift certificates from his butt…he rocks, they should show more of him.

We play Country AND Western here

On the way home from the convention, we stopped in good old Merritt for some lunch. 3 gay guys, a black girl, me and Ryan sauntered into the Coldwater Pub amidst country music and a bunch of scary, poker playing rednecks. Among the tough looking cowboys were at least 2 heavily pregnant gals and a very interesting toilet roll holder (see below). Luckily we made it out in one piece even though I was sure there would be a brawl of some sort; we certainly got some interesting looks from the locals and we were very nervous as we choked down our food as quickly as possible!

Liberal and Will Travel

I attended the Federal Liberal Convention for BC and here is a lovely shot of the crew hanging out with Michael Ignatieff pre-hospitality suite; good times. Van Centre Represent!

Most who read my blog are not political so I will not bore y'all with details but here are a few things that made me laugh during question period:
- Will it kill bats?? re: nuclear power. "If we have nuclear power where will we store the waste? In caves? We can't have it in the caves because it will kill bats...we cannot kill bats" - crazy old man in the red fleece

- making the Port Mann wider vs. adding more rapid transit. "Don't you realise that Abbotsford is BC's fastest growing community? Soon we'll be the cultural hub. You people from Vancouver should have to drive out here for government services instead of us having to come to you; it just makes sense" - bat shit crazy man from Abbotsford

- a certain MP who introduced himself with a mouthful of food with mayo all over his chin, onion on his chin, not using a plate or a napkin...who voted for this pig? Seriously.

- Guy who thought he had an afro from P.G. "The mountain pine beetle is like, the biggest issue since like, Confederation"...yeah, whatever.

- Last but certainly not least; Orca: this guy stopped a room full of partying people as we all turned in horror as he ate his food; he made this wheezy breathing sound as he ate and he sounded like a friggin' orca!

Anyhow, we had a sweet condo w/ a hot tub and we had a blast. Why the Liberal party chose the only place in BC still experiencing flurries and cold I will never know but we had a blast.

Doom in Hope

So, Nicole, Ryan and myself set off this afternoon to Sun Peaks Resort for the Federal Liberal Party Biennial Convention. We stopped in Hope for some lunch at the Goldrush Pub and started looking for the friggin' Coquihalla highway as we got all turned around in Hope's massive city centre you see...But who do we see riding his bike up the highway towards us? The Doom guy! He used to hang around in Victoria when I went to UVic and then I always saw him by Pacific Centre when I moved to Vancouver.

Well, now he's hauling ass on the Trans Canada spreading the gospel of Jesus and Doom, sweet! We saw him approaching us, then he gave us a wave and left us with a sense of doom as he rode off eastward. He's one fit hobo.

Fu&#ing Iris

I bought a sweet pair of Maui Jim prescription sunglasses there a year ago (oh sorry, a year and 3 days ago). My eyes have changed significantly in the past year and I had new prescription lenses put in; sadly the frames came back all bent and kept falling off of my face. I went into Iris on my lunch break and told the lady what had happened and she said “These are not from here”. I told her to look it up on her computer and sure enough, I had bought them there but my warranty was up 3 days ago and so there was nothing she could do for me. I was hungry and cranky and I said, ‘Wow, I’ll never be back here again and I’ll make sure to spread the word about how you treat your customers’. Right away she snatched the sunglasses from my hand and tried to bend them back. She came back 4 minutes later and said that nothing could be done, they were ruined. Fu&#!!!

So, I sent them to an optician on the island that the man and I know (we went to university with her son). She fixed them for me at no charge and sent them back with a note saying “Any optician could have fixed these for you in 10 seconds. Hopefully this will work for you”. I now have sunglasses that fit again and I am happy as a clam thanks to Kim (you rock!). Stupid Iris, you guys seriously suck.

Shithawk

So the man and I took Hatchy to North Van to get him washed (Hatchy is the name of our car and yes, he's a hatchback). We left the car wash lookin' fine and sparkly. About half way over the Second Narrows bridge a shithawk flew overhead and crapped all over Hatchy. Jacob and I were swearing up a storm as we were the only car in heavy traffic to be shat on and we had just had him cleaned, grrr.

Canucks Nation?

So, tonight is the first night of the playoffs and as everyone in the ‘Couv knows, Vancouver made it in. We easily have the most fickle fans in the NHL though; Vancouver fans are known for booing the American anthem, throwing beer at the opposing teams and throwing garbage on the ice when we lose; yep, we’re a classy bunch. It’s no wonder that Mayor Sam Sullivan and the VPD are scared shitless about possible riots a la 1994 and other problems caused by mainly the bridge and tunnel folk (you know who you are…Surrey).

People wonder why we’re called the ‘city of no fun’, well it’s because a few idiots in the crowd ruin it for the rest of us. You gave up on the Canucks every time that they lost and proclaimed that they suck and now that they’re in the playoffs, you’re back on the bandwagon. God forbid they lose or else it’s a Canada Post mail box going through the window of Roots or Aldo on Robson. Grow the hell up people, it is just a game and why can’t you drive home and smash up your own hood?

Dude, where's my kid?

We were coming back from the island yesterday and were waiting to disembark. It was taking a really long time and finally this voice comes on over the P.A. "Would the parents of Michael, a 5 year old boy please come and pick him up from the Chief Stewards Office". There was a 2 minute pause and then they make the same announcement re: Michael again but also add in "And would the parents of Allana please meet her mid-ship by the snack shop". Two lost kids on one sailing? Never had that happen before. We continue to wait for these parents to 'claim' their children and marvel at how long it was taking Michael's parents to come find him. Third announcement "Nobody is leaving this ferry until the parents of Michael, a 5 year old boy, PICK HIM UP AT THE CHIEF STEWARDS OFFICE!!!". A few minutes later we are finally unloaded. Seriously, some people should not have children. There is no excuse for this one; you could ask any staff member where the chief stewards office is, there are signs pointing to it and sorry, if you want to abandon your kid so someone more responsible can take care of him, do not attempt to abandon them on a BC ferry as it holds hundreds of people up!

Sorry kiddies, lunch is not on me

I read this on the CBC site this morning and could not help but be annoyed: The Minister of Veterans Affairs has rejected a claim that his department had agreed to buy lunch for 3,600 students who are going to France to mark the 90th anniversary of the Canadian victory at Vimy Ridge. The students raised the money to pay for their travel and other costs for the trip. The trip’s head organizer Dave Robinson said trip organizers have had to come up with another $33,000 to pay for the lunches. The money was to have been used to buy the students souvenirs.

Are you kidding me??? If you can afford to get yourself on a plane to France, put your group up at a hotel and buy the rest of your meals while in France, can you not buck up the $9.16 for lunch on the day of the ceremony?? Are we going to be subjected to a report from some crying mother on tonight’s national news: “Oh, little Timmy was supposed to take part in the ceremonies at Vimy Ridge but in the interest of tax payers, they decided to not provide him with a lunch on the one day. I guess little Timmy isn’t going to be able to go to France after all boohoooohooo”. What a friggin’ joke, only in Canada.

We're #3

The 'Couv is the third best city to live in in the whole wide world. Two Swiss cities: Geneva and Zurich beat us according to an annual international survey published this week by Mercer Human Resource Consulting. We could have been ranked higher were it not for the copious amount of car thefts, meth heads, crack addicts, hookers, full-time protesters and crime in general. Ah well, we still beat Toronto and Seattle.

Lululemon is NOT a right

Just because you can cram yourself into a pair of size 10 Lululemon pants doesn’t mean that you should. I was in a curling bonspiel this weekend and there was a girl who was always playing in close proximity to me. She somehow got herself into a pair of black Lululemon pants and she was absolutely busting out of them. When she bent over they were stretched so thin that you could a) see that she was curling commando and b) had a crack on her that would make a plumber blush. Come on ladies, I know that spandex stretches but there are innocent people walking around out there who do not need to see this sight! Lululemon is not a right, it's a privilege.