Politically uncorrect BBQ

So I was innocently watching tv last night and this commercial came on for the General BBQ Restaurant in Washington State. It started off normal enough but then the slogan came out "Put some South in your mouth....with the General." I almost choked to death on my red wine. Didn't someone at their marketing or public relations table speak up and say "ummm guys, that slogan sounds extremely filthy."

I don't get it

There is this commercial for Excel gum that is on all the time and it always leaves me shouting at the TV. It shows this guy walking up to an apartment and shoving some Excel gum into his trap while being followed by the last things he consumed that lead to such foul breath: an onion, some coffee and an adorable little donut. The first 2, I totally get, but are you trying to tell me that you can suffer from dragon breath post-donut? Unless it is a donut crammed with garlic or something else completely vile and quite un-donut like, then I really just don't get it. Excel, stop persecuting the donut!

Keep it to yourself

If you wake up and are hacking, wheezing and have a sore throat, FFS, please stay home and don't come into the office and inflict the rest of us with whatever plague you've dragged in. No one here is impressed that you've managed to make it in today. Yes, we'll talk about you if you take a sick day and assume that you're watching Maury Povich, shopping in the U.S. or skiing, but trust me, we will be talking even more shit about you if you get us all sick.

Only me

E.T. was released in 1982 and I have probably watched it, oh I don't know...about 26 times. It was on tv again this week and even though I know the story, and I know that the government doesn't catch him, and I know that he doesn't die...I still cry! Every...single...time. What's with that?!?

Up in the air

Air Canada, you know that I love you but why oh why do you taunt me with really good inflight movies that are too long to be shown on a 2 hour flight thanks to those obnoxious Telus parakeets dancing to hip hop music and that asswipe from Cineplex talking for 5 minutes telling me how much I am going to love this movie? Thanks to you I have now missed the last few minutes of both The King's Speech and The Social Network; grrrr.

Honda annoyance, part deux

The Honda dealership across the street from my condo has pissed me off yet again. First it was their bright sign that flashed into my bedroom like the Kenny Rogers Chicken sign in Seinfeld but now they have decided to piss me off aurally too. They put a huge sign in their window on Kingsway that says “Honk if You Are a Canucks Fan!!” Now I get woken up at zero dark stupid on a daily basis by semi-trucks blaring their horns because obviously, they’re a fan; grrrreat.

It's just wrong

Rihanna’s song 'S&M'; I get it, it’s a catchy tune but I happen to live 2 blocks away from St. Patrick’s Elementary School and seeing 10 and 11 year old Catholic school girls belting out the lyrics to this song every morning at the bus stop is beyond insane. I have to fight the urge not to call the Ministry of Children and find more responsible parents for these girls.

Screw you hippies

Mt. Pleasant is the hood where I reside in the ‘Couv. It is a neighbourhood that is gentrifying by the day and even though it’s in East Van, real estate ain’t cheap anymore. A block away from my place there was a fire last year and instead of an ugly commercial building with a medicinal marijuana store and a sex toy shop, there is now a lovely little park with green grass, benches and a Christmas tree that is still lit up every night…why?!? It’s March….but I digress. The local business association put up these signboards in the park that talk about ‘our community’ and ‘sustainability’ and other crap like that with pictures of smiling people of all ages and races on them. Overnight, these signs were vandalized with spray painted slogans and swastikas saying ‘go home yuppies’ and ‘stop killing our hood’. Really?!? Us Westside people *with jobs* are ruining your hood by pouring money into it, making it safer, planting trees and chasing the crackheads out? You have got to be kidding me.

Mayor Juicebox is ruining the city

Ok, I admit it, I voted for Gregor Robertson to be mayor of the city but I had no idea that he was going to fuck it up like this. What the hell Gregor? These bike lanes are royally pissing me off, man. People in this city already drive like shit, helloooo GMC Sierra that knocked me down? Well, now I need to watch for bicycles on their own traffic light too? Plus I used to adore feeling like a Formula 1 car driver merging onto the Georgia Viaduct but now that there’s a MFing bike lane there, I can’t have any fun anymore. Also, what’s up with that weird ass ‘parking on the sidewalk’ bullshit on Granville Street? That’s just whack… yet another danger for an innocent pedestrian! Go back to making juice already, seriously.