Get these mother*&ing idiots of this motherf*&king plane!

Hippie bitch sitting next to me on the Chicago to Vancouver flight; You chose to fall asleep what with your sleep mask, patchoulie sleeping oil and all so when you woke up as we were almost landing and got all pissy because I did not wake you up for a beverage when the cart came by 2 hours ago…you can bite my ass.

Black magnet

It’s kinda funny because when I'm in the ‘Couv, only old men talk to me (50 years old and up sorta thing) and in America, the Black men love me something fierce. I was standing in Starbucks by myself and was ordering my usual when all of a sudden this Black man behind me points at my ring and asks if I am married. I answered in the affirmative and he says “Well that’s ok doll, I’m ok with that”. Umm yeah, glad that’s ok by you dude. He kept asking me where my husband was at, noticed my iPod and offered to escort me to the Apple Store a few blocks away, invited me to the casino, asked where I was staying, etc. I tried to lose him a few times by taking back exits and such but he always kept popping up and finding me until I decided enough was enough and I grabbed a cab back to the hotel. Why does this shit always happen to me?

One night in AC

A group of us were out playing a quiet game of pool and drinking some beers when all of a sudden, the clock struck midnight in Atlantic City and all the blue hairs scurried to bed. We were asked to dump our beer into plastic cups and finish up and leave…WTF kinda town is this anyway??

Dude, where's my internet connection?

Ok, so I go to hook up my laptop so that I can get some work done while on the road and lo and behold, there is no internet hookup in my room to be found (surprise, surprise given this is a Trump Hotel). I call the front desk and ask for assistance and they tell me electrical will come up and help me. I wait for oh about 45 minutes and finally this huuuuge Black guy is at my door; cool I say. He was very efficient and nice but it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. The guy was bigger than a football player yet his voice was higher than mine and about every 20th word or so would dip down low like Barry White..I guess you had to be there.

The Donald needs a lesson in hospitality management

So I am about to step in the shower to have a much needed shower before bedtime because I reek of casino, cigarettes and gin. I turn on the water and quickly realise, ‘hey, there are no towels in this room, only a teeny tiny facecloth!”. So I turn off the shower and call housekeeping and convey my dilemma. I wait and wait and wait and finally at 2am, housekeeping comes by with 8 bath towels. I should not have had to call and ask for towels, they should just be there. What kind of hotel is this anyway?

Arrived in AC

My first impressions of this dump of a city called Atlantic City, New Jersey:

This is the ugliest American city I have ever laid eyes on, hands down.

I can’t get the Sopranos theme song out of my head.

The Trump Marina hotel where we are staying is TACKY: lights, casino sounds, reeks of cigarette smoke and stale booze.

Why is there a huge purple velvet curtain between the beds and the front door in my room?

Everyone visting here is old: there is far too much purple and cheetah print walking around.

Holy shit there are a lot of scooters here. The restaurants and the casinos have scooter parking out front.

The honeymoon is over

I am a duvet imperialist. I like nothing more than cuddling into my duvet and wrapping it around myself like a cocoon; my man however is less than enthusiastic about this practice. So after almost 10 years together we have decided that the honeymoon is now over and the time has come for us to be oh so European and do the separate duvet thing for sanity’s sake. After obsessing about it and what will people say when they come to our home and see this and think that we have relationship issues, I decided to do some internet research and I see that this practice is perfectly normal and has helped to improved marriages if anything so yeah, we’re going to give it a go.

Paws off!

Oh really, you ordered a grande latté too?? Small world indeed. The line was huge this morning as it is most mornings and seeing as we seem to be on the same schedule and all, 9/10 you are always behind me in line and have not even spat out your drink order before I am on my way to grab mine. So what are the odds that your grande latté will be ready before mine? Exactly, hands off MY latté already you crazy lady! Will you ever learn?

Diamonds are a junkies best friend

Perhaps I am just jaded and pessimistic, but dude, you're not getting these diamonds back! So a diamond dealer here in town loses 100K worth of diamonds on the street in East Vancouver because they fell out of his pocket. But then he goes on the news stating that he has a 10K reward for returning the 100K of diamonds to him. First of all, you lost them in EAST Vancouver and second, even junkies and hookers can do the math on this one…you’re SO not getting them back. What kind of idiot walks around town with 100K worth of diamonds in his pocket anyway?

**UPDATE Jan 30th/08: I type this update in a state of shock, *some* of the diamonds were returned today. Wow Vancouver, this is truly shocking!

Baby Geniuses?

I had to laugh out loud and applaud my pal Rena’s latest blog entry, FINALLY someone talking some sense! Granted, I know that I am not a mother but I have had enough friends have babies in the last while and feel that I have a vague idea of where they should be. They all smile, they all bounce to music, they all know their moms voice…I get that you love your baby and think that they are the greatest, smartest baby to ever grace the face of this earth but really, what are the odds? Most likely, your baby is quite average so give up on it already and stop being so friggin’ obnoxious about it. However, if your baby prodigy does find the cure for cancer or can recite the full name of Bangkok, then seriously, do give me a call.

**Reference Rena's post: 01.25.2007 "Yes, You Have the Cutest, Smartest Child Ever"..click on her name in green in the text above.

Willow Kinloch

Police brutality or doing their job? That’s for the courts to decide I guess but what is a bratty 15 year old girl doing completely drunk and stoned and out of control in the first place anyway? She couldn’t even slur her home address to the police officers trying to take her home. Do her parents really want to launch a lawsuit and inquiry 3 years after the fact into how this really started? As for her being scarred for life and "never being able to get over it", I think that was the whole point; This is what happens when you are drunk, arrested and become a danger to yourself. Yet another example of fine parenting *rolls eyes*

Natural selection at its finest

We were driving in the car yesterday on the way to the airport when a guy was on the radio saying that the demise of contemporary society coincides with the lawn dart ban in the late 1980’s. I had to laugh because his argument was a good one. Any household item used in a careless fashion can be harmful but lawn darts have earned a special place in history; unnecessarily in my opinion mind you. According to radaronline: Lawn darts were massive weighted spears. You threw them. They stuck where they landed. If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have moved. During their brief (and generally awesome) reign in 1980s suburbia, lawn darts racked up 6,700 injuries and four deaths. Thanks to taking lawn darts off the shelves, we are now left with these dumbasses on earth who otherwise would have been ‘taken care of’ by higher beings with a lawn dart to the head. Ahhh good ole’ natural selection.

Cue the circus music!

As far as I'm concerned, there are few things more annoying in life than baggage claim at an airport. I realize that the majority of the population is borderline retarded at best but come on people! We're all standing there patiently waiting to see our bag come around the carousel and grab it but you have to butt in with your luggage cart waiting to pick up 1 single tiny bag. First of all, you don't even need a luggage cart and you don’t need to ram it through a throng of people right up to the friggin' carousel making it damn near impossible for the rest of us. Some people should not be allowed in public.

I knew it!

How very annoying

Travel mugs that drip make me crazy. A travel mug is supposed to make your life easier by being able to grab your coffee and be on the go but how is it making ones life easier when there is coffee dripping out and spilling all over your shirt? Gawd.

Eeeeeew

What in the hell...Clamato is nasty. Budweiser is nasty. Put them together and you make JJ feel ill. I have seen navy people drink this concoction but you’d have to be a bit loco to join the navy so I kind of shrugged my shoulders. Who would pay for fishy smelling beer, errr piss water anyhow? Yuck

Parent Parking?

What's the deal with places like Home Depot and Whole Foods having "Parent Only Parking"? I have often seen whiny parents, scratch that...whiny mothers making snide remarks and giving dirty looks to those who happen to park in a "parent only parking" spot at 10 pm in an otherwise empty parking lot. This is after they have already parked their own car and are heading into the store with their gaggle of screaming children.

Why would you want to piss people off in the middle of the night with your kids hanging off your arms, hips and leg in a dark, fairly deserted parking lot? Are you stupid or something?

Funny though cause I have never seen a dad "defend" his right to a "parents only" parking spot. Most dads would not risk starting a fight for something so petty. This is called better judgment. Why can't the moms follow their example?

Scare Canada

So I was looking for flights on travelocity.ca today and I was shocked; Air Canada flights are now cheaper than WestJet, when in the hell did this happen?? But then I think back to my last NY JFK to Vancouver flight and remember this scenario:

Nice passenger lady “Air Canada, may I please have a pillow and blanket? It is oh so cold at 36,000 ft…"

Air Canada stewardess a la soup Nazi "No! No blanket for you. Five bucks."

It went something like that anyway.

I remember talking to a guy from England in the San Francisco airport back in November - his first experience on Air Canada was on a Vancouver/Toronto flight. His comment - completely unprompted mind you - “The planes are kind of tatty aren’t they? A bit like flying in the 70s.” Well said brutha, well said.

Infinite Asshattery

Hey, Stephen Harper; 4 cents off of my daily morning coffee?? Gee thanks, this 1% cut in GST surrrre beats something actually useful, like say oh I dunno....an income tax cut. Is it just me or is Serial Killer Harper a complete asshat?

Happy New Year Y'all

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Too long actually. A couple of times over the last while or so of my self-imposed boycott of the internet, i came close to breaking and posting something that i was burning to blog about but in the end i resisted! Oh well, I'm back and ready for 2008. I am sure that something will piss me off soon enough!