Seinfeld ponderings

When I’m not mind numbingly scrutinizing the daily stock ticker, getting riled about the fuel and food shortage while panicking about the impending collapse of the U.S. economy I’m usually looking back at things that happen during the day and comparing them to a Seinfeld episode. Does anyone else do this or am I completely off my rocker? Today for instance I was on the bus and this old man shuffles on board wearing goggles. It reminded me of the episode when George has his glasses stolen at the pool and had to walk around wearing his prescription goggles; wicked.

Baby got back

I can't stop thinking about a television show that I watched last night. There is a Brit show called “How to Look Good Naked”. It is a somewhat interesting show that basically tells chubby women how to wear pants that avoid muffin tops and that Spanx are a girls best friend…screw dieting and exercise, adore your curves is basically the concept. I had to cringe though as the Americans now have their own version hosted by that uber obnoxious, not to mention annoying guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Instead of the British show where the women are ‘real’ sizes (think US sizes 14+) the American show has women who are about a size 8 complaining about how fat they are and how unattractive they feel. Are you freakin’ kidding me?? Only in America.

Annoying Elevator Habits #1456-B

Pushing the ‘door close’ button like 27 times while the elevator is running up is both pointless and obnoxious. The doors are not going to open on us while we are mid-rise and the fact that you saw people running for the elevator and did not hold it open for them even though you were only going to the second floor pisses me off royally; what the heck is wrong with you anyway?

Forever angry

There is this chick who works in our tower and she is a fairly good looking girl except for one thing: her eyebrows. I guess she has tweezed the crap out of them over the span of her lifetime so now she has to draw them on. Thing is, she draws them in really thick and pointed downward so now she always looks pissed off, it’s pretty friggin’ hilarious if you ask me.

East Van traffic light

My trainer gave me a lift downtown after a particularly brutal session this morning. We came up to the Main St. and Broadway intersection and there was this hobo standing in the middle of our lane on a green light. He had a huge garbage bag full of cans and bottles and was making zero attempt to move his ass of out traffic anytime soon. Sofie tapped her horn a bit to get him to move and he jumps up all startled and wanders over to the half open passenger window. He says “Do you have any toilet paper?” We both look at each other like ‘huh?’ He pauses and yells “Cause you scared the CRAP out of me!” He said it so matter of fact that we just cracked right up and continued on our adventure to downtown.

Offensive much?

So we’re at the Liberal Party Policy Convention this weekend and the Van Centre Mafia rolls into the Young Liberal hospitality suite a.k.a. the place with free beer. They pride themselves on being oh so edgy and they really outdid themselves this year. They had stickers made up that said: It’s a genocide, stupid. Now I know that Darfur is a huge fiasco right now but some of us found that sticker to be a wee bit over the top. So we coined a new phrase that is equally offensive and have decided that we should bust out next convention on a sticker: It’s the Holocaust, MOFO. Beauty.

Captain Obvious

I have a work colleague who I like to call Captain Obvious. This person has far too many annoying tendencies to fit into one posting but they do things such as the reading out of front page news on a near hourly basis as if they are the first to stumble across every story. This person also loves to read company-wide e-mail out loud to everyone as if we are not already reading that very same e-mail. Today they came bouncing in exclaiming “So hey guys, did you know that there’s going to be a fire drill today?” Gee, what gave that one away Captain Obvious? Was it the huge fuck off sign in the lobby of our building that everyone must pass to get onto the elevators? How about telling us something that we don’t already know? That or can you just stop talking, please? Even for just a little while? *sigh*

Don't bite the hand that steers you

The morning bus is always soooo crowded; by the time the #19 rolls up to my stop, I consider myself lucky if it picks up more passengers instead of displaying the usual ‘Sorry, Bus is Full’ sign. Today was a muggy day outside, mid-20s or so outside and we were all crammed in like sardines. The bus driver had the heat cranked right up so it felt like we were in a sauna and not on our way to work. One guy yells out “Dude, can you pleeeeease turn the heat down? We are roasting to death in here man!” The bus driver shouts back “My bus, my business”. Cranky, over-heated passenger responds “Fucking asshole” to which bus driver replies mockingly “You're the fucking asshole.” Nice…

A mini-van does not a good parent make

What is with people who think that their children will grow up to be good at sports when they themselves are clumsy, awkward and out of shape? I do not get this mentality whatsoever. “Oh look at Junior! The way they kicked that toy that I put right in front of them, they are totally going to be in the World Cup one day!!” Yeah friggin’ right. There is a small chance that it may happen but really, it’s highly unlikely.

What up with Austria?

So a dad in Austria goes into massive debt and decides to ‘spare’ his family the shame of his wrongdoings by hacking them all up with an ax? What in the hell is going on in Austria as of late? Several weeks ago, the news was rampant with the story about the psychopath guy who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years and fathered 7 children with her. Then back in 2006 in Austria, there was the sensational story about the 8 year imprisonment of Natascha Kampusch who finally managed to escape from her captor. I am beginning to wonder if there is something in the water over there; small country, copious amounts of crazy people.

Me so hungry

So the man and I made our compulsory monthly visit to Costco this evening to pick up our standard V-8, San Pellegrino water, ¼ wheel of smoked gouda, fish and everything else to make our lunches with. I was a good girl and walked by all of the free samples and did not even stop to look at the DVD’s or kitchen gadgets. While in the queue to pay though, I could not help but notice this hippie mother and father with their two kids in tow. The children were both extremely well behaved but the parents certainly weren’t. The mother had tins of mixed nuts, pricey cashews, a bag of cheese buns, a box of Goldfish crackers and a tub of peanut butter all opened and was digging into them one by one with her bare hands and snacking, all before she paid for everything! The cashier looked on in utter disgust as she dug into the peanut butter and licked it off of her fingers while pressing the debit button keypad. I can see busting out some crackers for a screaming toddler or whatever but everything in her cart was open and SHE was the one eating it, not the toddler. Way to set a good example momma.

Be strong J.J., be strong

I have never really been one to eat crap but now that I am in the middle of my fitness regime trying to get myself summer-ready, I am finding my co-workers snacking habits to be that much more irritating. With a constant array of corn nuts, chips, Coke and candy, you guys are making it reeeeally difficult for me to stick to my diet. Cubeland has never been more miserable.

Oh no you didn't

I knew that the bus would be a complete goldmine for my blog; here’s what went down earlier today. I was riding to a meeting around 6pm on the #19 from Chinatown to Downtown and this really gross looking wheelbo rolls onto the bus. As he is wheeling off at his stop on Pender/Hornby this huuuuuge Black woman starts pointing at the floor and shouts out “Oh hell no. Oh NO you didn’t!” to which the bus driver whips around to see what gives and says “Dude! You not be gettin’ on my bus no more you hear? Dis is da second time you be takin’ a whiz on my bus dis week! It ain’t right man, it ain’t right”. To which the urine-soaked wheelbo gives him the finger and says that it wasn’t him.

Our tax dollars at work

I know that it’s tax time here in the Great White North and I am pretty sure that about 90% of the country is slightly on edge about it, but does that give you any reason to be a complete f’ing beeyatch to me on the phone Miss CRA? The Government of Canada owes me a few grand this year and when I called to change my banking direct deposit information with them, they claim to have never had banking info for me in the first place. When I asked her how it magically appeared in my account for the last oh…10 years or so she said “I don’t know, you tell me.” Nice, that was totally worth being on hold for 17 minutes for.

Private Snowball

Getting up to attend an intense workout five times a week is probably hard for some; I, on the other hand, have learned to *begrudgingly* embrace the challenge. I've also gained a deeper appreciation for sleeping in until 7am on Fridays and Sundays (the non-bootcamp sunrises).

What has been perhaps the most challenging for me is trying not to come up with excuses/outright lies for trying to get out of this with my trainer. There are days that I really want to slack each time she turns her back on me but I don't want to show weakness; Sofie feeds off of my weakness. So, I push myself as hard as I possibly can even though it hurts like hell and my legs are screaming “Noooo.” I can’t believe that I’m paying for this but I am determined to fit into the awesome jeans that I bought in Seattle.

Were you raised in a barn?

I am all about etiquette. As most of you know, I have many peeves, perhaps too many but they are my peeves nonetheless. Instant messaging is my latest annoyance. If you are listed as ‘online’ for the last week and do not have the decency to reply to my quick message, well then screw you. The internet and the communication within, gives us the aura of being endlessly busy - so people tend to think that they can easily get away with being rude. If you work in an office then I will of course excuse you from this rant but some of you have no excuse for being so rude. If you are in fact as busy as you claim to be, then change your status to busy or offline; surely you can find the 1.5 seconds of time in your day to do that.

New meaning to recycling

As said by our contractor today as he disposed of our "urban fireplace" in the alley behind our condo: "Thats what I love about Vancouver, you can just leave shit in the alley and the hobos will take care of it." Amen to that and it's SO true!

Talkie talkie

Everyone and their dog has a cell phone these days and everyone seems to talk on them on the bus. That's fine, whatever, but why do you feel the need to talk so obnoxiously like you're trying to impress everyone with "this meeting you had today," "this meeting you had last week" and "this meeting you're probably having tomorrow." Trying to make it sound like you're some hot-shot in a high-rise with a powerful job when the truth is, we all know your little secret. If you were a hot-shot in a high rise then what the fuck is your ass doing riding the bus? We all know you're a shift leader at Burger King or a receptionist at a law firm so why don't you just shut the fuck up already and stop annoying us with your constant blathering.

Le freak, c'est chic

Starbucks on Main and 14th: there is a hobo who wanders around here with a boom box blaring out really cheesy Euro-French techno. He is about 50 years old, filthy, wears overalls and completely rocks out to his tunes for the enjoyment of everyone at Starbucks. You truly rule, keep on dancing my friend.

#19 bus

It was only a matter of time before I found this out for myself; the freak to normal person ratio on any given bus route in Vancouver becomes heavily skewed toward the former as your bus gets closer to the East Side of the downtown core. I was riding the bus home today and this freak show jumps on and sits across from me. He keeps pulling his shirt on and off, turning it inside out and then back again while muttering under his breath about how sexy he was. Then he jumps up and starts running up and down the length of the bus with his hands down his pants screaming “I’ve got my hands down my pants people! Yep that’s right boys and girls, hands down my pants!” The bus driver finally came onto the P.A. system and said “Excuse me Mr. Hands Down Your Pants, that’s great…now please sit down!” Ahh good times.