J.J. in the 'Couv

Politically uncorrect BBQ

2011-06-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

So I was innocently watching tv last night and this commercial came on for the General BBQ Restaurant in Washington State. It started off normal enough but then the slogan came out "Put some South in your mouth....with the General." I almost choked to death on my red wine. Didn't someone at their marketing or public relations table speak up and say "ummm guys, that slogan sounds extremely filthy."

I don't get it

2011-05-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

There is this commercial for Excel gum that is on all the time and it always leaves me shouting at the TV. It shows this guy walking up to an apartment and shoving some Excel gum into his trap while being followed by the last things he consumed that lead to such foul breath: an onion, some coffee and an adorable little donut. The first 2, I totally get, but are you trying to tell me that you can suffer from dragon breath post-donut? Unless it is a donut crammed with garlic or something else completely vile and quite un-donut like, then I really just don't get it. Excel, stop persecuting the donut!

Keep it to yourself

2011-05-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

If you wake up and are hacking, wheezing and have a sore throat, FFS, please stay home and don't come into the office and inflict the rest of us with whatever plague you've dragged in. No one here is impressed that you've managed to make it in today. Yes, we'll talk about you if you take a sick day and assume that you're watching Maury Povich, shopping in the U.S. or skiing, but trust me, we will be talking even more shit about you if you get us all sick.

Only me

2011-05-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

E.T. was released in 1982 and I have probably watched it, oh I don't know...about 26 times. It was on tv again this week and even though I know the story, and I know that the government doesn't catch him, and I know that he doesn't die...I still cry! Every...single...time. What's with that?!?

Up in the air

2011-05-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

Air Canada, you know that I love you but why oh why do you taunt me with really good inflight movies that are too long to be shown on a 2 hour flight thanks to those obnoxious Telus parakeets dancing to hip hop music and that asswipe from Cineplex talking for 5 minutes telling me how much I am going to love this movie? Thanks to you I have now missed the last few minutes of both The King's Speech and The Social Network; grrrr.

Honda annoyance, part deux

2011-04-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

The Honda dealership across the street from my condo has pissed me off yet again. First it was their bright sign that flashed into my bedroom like the Kenny Rogers Chicken sign in Seinfeld but now they have decided to piss me off aurally too. They put a huge sign in their window on Kingsway that says “Honk if You Are a Canucks Fan!!” Now I get woken up at zero dark stupid on a daily basis by semi-trucks blaring their horns because obviously, they’re a fan; grrrreat.

It's just wrong

2011-03-31T08:01:00.000-07:00

Rihanna’s song 'S&M'; I get it, it’s a catchy tune but I happen to live 2 blocks away from St. Patrick’s Elementary School and seeing 10 and 11 year old Catholic school girls belting out the lyrics to this song every morning at the bus stop is beyond insane. I have to fight the urge not to call the Ministry of Children and find more responsible parents for these girls.

Screw you hippies

2011-03-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

Mt. Pleasant is the hood where I reside in the ‘Couv. It is a neighbourhood that is gentrifying by the day and even though it’s in East Van, real estate ain’t cheap anymore. A block away from my place there was a fire last year and instead of an ugly commercial building with a medicinal marijuana store and a sex toy shop, there is now a lovely little park with green grass, benches and a Christmas tree that is still lit up every night…why?!? It’s March….but I digress. The local business association put up these signboards in the park that talk about ‘our community’ and ‘sustainability’ and other crap like that with pictures of smiling people of all ages and races on them. Overnight, these signs were vandalized with spray painted slogans and swastikas saying ‘go home yuppies’ and ‘stop killing our hood’. Really?!? Us Westside people *with jobs* are ruining your hood by pouring money into it, making it safer, planting trees and chasing the crackheads out? You have got to be kidding me.

Mayor Juicebox is ruining the city

2011-01-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, I admit it, I voted for Gregor Robertson to be mayor of the city but I had no idea that he was going to fuck it up like this. What the hell Gregor? These bike lanes are royally pissing me off, man. People in this city already drive like shit, helloooo GMC Sierra that knocked me down? Well, now I need to watch for bicycles on their own traffic light too? Plus I used to adore feeling like a Formula 1 car driver merging onto the Georgia Viaduct but now that there’s a MFing bike lane there, I can’t have any fun anymore. Also, what’s up with that weird ass ‘parking on the sidewalk’ bullshit on Granville Street? That’s just whack… yet another danger for an innocent pedestrian! Go back to making juice already, seriously.

Things that are dead to me now

2010-12-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

I am sure that this list will grow as rapidly as my shoe hate-on list (UGGS, Crocs, gladiator sandals, etc.) but there are certain items that I can’t help but associate with ‘white trash’ now that I see every woman in Surrey sporting them: Coach handbags with the ‘C’ logo splashed all over it, Tiffany charm bracelets, big hoop earrings, leggings with dresses, anything Ed Hardy, anything with printing or logos across your ass and last but certainly not least, French nails…especially as a pedicure, yecccch.

Snow whine

2010-11-22T17:55:00.000-08:00

What the hell is wrong with Vancouverites? It snowed a whopping 2.5 centimeters overnight and you are whining and complaining that you simply cannot make it into the office; what gives? If you just want to stay home and watch the Food Channel all day, then call in sick, don't use this dusting of snow as an excuse to sit around all day in your pj's and try to justify it to those of who actually made it in. The city buses are still running and I passed several Asian girls tottering around just fine in their 4 inch heels holding onto umbrellas. You people give Canadians a bad name!

The season of pain

2010-11-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

Ouuuch! I am forever grateful for the veterans that have given their lives and their time in order for us to live as free and peacefully as we do here in Canada but I can't help but think of pain each and every time I see a veteran because of those damn poppy pins that the Legion hands out for Remembrance Day every year. Seriously people, I know that Veteran Affairs claims they're broke and all, but could you not think of a way to make these pins not stab me on a daily basis thus making me cry out and break into a Tourette's fit every single time I try to put on or take of my jacket? Ow!

Polite to a fault?

2010-10-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

I travel to the United States a lot and Americans are always picking on me for my 'Canadian accent' (and I don’t even say ‘eh’ or ‘aboot’) Fine, make fun of me for not drawling my way through the Queen’s language, but could you please, please stop answering with “uh huh” when I say thank you? I guess it’s obvious that I am from North of the border as I actually utter the phrases ‘please’ and ‘thank you’….god forbid we have manners, basic manners at that but answering with 'uh huh' sounds both uninterested and uneducated.

Elevator common sense

2010-10-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

It's annoying enough when people run onto the elevator almost knocking me over when I am trying to get off the elevator, but how about when people get on the elevator and bark out orders telling me which floor to push for them even though their hands aren’t full…what am I, your personal slave? Push it yourself, lazy ass.

That’s right, it’s all about you

2010-10-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

I was standing next to you at the at the American Airlines international check-in counter at O’Hare when the agent told you that you needed to check in that huge ass Mary Poppins bag of yours yet you refused and proceeded to throw a massive hissy fit in front of the entire concourse. Great, not only did I have to witness that most classic of melt downs, but now it turns out that of all the planes leaving Chicago this morning, you are on my flight, in my row. You are swearing and cursing while you sweat and show everyone your disgusting cellulite-riddled Burger King gut while shoving my unobnoxious bag mercilessly into the corner of the overhead bin telling everyone that it normally fits just fine. Well, guess what asshole, how about you check in your GD bag next time like you were told to do and sit the fuck down already seeing as there’s 150 people behind you, ready to board with the proper sized luggage. You’re the same douchebag who stands right in front of the luggage carousel with a luggage cart for one single bag not willing to move for anyone until your tacky looking luggage comes around, stupid ass.

Things that annoy me

2010-10-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

- UGG boots; they look retarded, especially with a skirt

- Raisins in baked goods; way to ruin a good oatmeal cookie or a cinnamon bun

- Gladiator sandals; ladies, we’re not in Sparta

- Folding sheets or tablecloths with right handed people and being told that I’m “doing it wrong”. No, YOU are

- Nail biting; this is why you always have a cold and on top of that, it’s seriously gross, stop it

- Escalators; stand to the right, walk to the left…it’s really not all that difficult

- People who jump on team bandwagons only after they have made the playoffs; you know who you are

- Sales people at the Bay who won't take no for an answer and look all offended when I tell them that I don't want an HBC Rewards card

- People who 'hate' Toronto but have never even been out of Pearson Airport

- If you have an aisle seat on the plane and the middle and window seat are still open, don't look all pissed off that you have already buckled yourself up once the rest of us show up

Go ahead, make my day

2010-09-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

This is a special shout-out to one of my best buddies in the whole wide world, SiSi. Simon and I used to work together for several years and we not only shared a similar sense of humour but we also lunched together, shared too many inside jokes to count and were annoyed by many of the same things (too many to list!) Despite not having worked together for over 4 years now, we still talk all the time and keep one another company, just like in old times. It's a stressful time for me right now at work as it's quarter end and Simon sent me a song that he promised would make my day more awesome and what do you know, it worked. I have been rocking out to Boney M's 'Gotta Go Home' all day with a stupid grin on my face all day. Thanks SiSi, you da best *hug*

HST whining

2010-09-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

Pretty sure that this post will piss off as many people as my anti-union rant but oh well, here goes:

I am sick of seeing some of my friends on Facebook and elsewhere jumping on the ‘Down with the HST’ bandwagon. You say that it’s not fair to pay more taxes yet you have no problem soaking up everything that comes from the collection of taxpayer money: parks, trails, education, health care, etc. I hate to shove academics down ones throat but if you would open up a book once in a while and take an unbiased basic look at some basic lessons in economics, perhaps you would understand why a consumer tax such as HST is actually not all bad. However, I'll give you a quick primer anyhow seeing as I am a huge econ nerd.

When consumers have money, they buy things. This creates demand. Demand requires increased production, which requires more workers to build the products and provide the services. More workers means more hiring. More hiring means less unemployed, which means less people to choose from and thus higher wages must be offered. Higher wages means more money in consumer pockets to spend on goods and services. See the cycle here?

By replacing the PST with HST and removing an entire provincial tax collecting department, we are receiving nearly $2 billion from the federal government to make this transition. Also, they aren’t touching my income, just my spending. So I can save or invest more with the actual cash in my pocket instead of a ‘tax credit’ like in the old system. British Columbia (and Ontario as they too have HST) will now be more competitive and attract foreign businesses looking to set up shop over here which means, yep, more local jobs for all. Attracting foreign investment to BC not only brings high-quality, well-paying jobs to the province, but for our provincial government, it generates major tax revenues that help to pay for education and health care and all the things everyone expects a Canadian government to provide.

I get it, you hate Gordon Campbell and you are mad at the way that he brought in the HST, I agree, it was definitely sneaky and I don’t like it either but I do feel for the guy. He is dealing with a province full of left leaning people who don’t want to pay for leftist programs, not to mention the uneducated hordes who do not ‘get’ what supply and demand entails. And what the hell is wrong with you people? Do you not remember Vander Zalm and the chaos that he brought to this province not all that long ago? You anti-HST people are all a bit strange; I am all for argument but when you have nothing to say besides “It’s not fair, taxes suck” then please come back to me when you’ve read the Coles notes on economics 101 and actually understand the role of taxation. I would rather be taxed on what I buy/consume than on my income any day, period.

Mouse trap

2010-09-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

I am not a fan of rodents, not even a little bit. I was enjoying a pizza night at my friend's place with 4 other girls the other night when I saw something brownish moving out of the corner of my eye. I realised that I had had a couple fairly sizable glasses of wine so I tried to ignore it seeing as no one else was seeing what I was seeing...I guess the Shiraz was affecting me differently than everyone else. I saw the movement again and realised that the ground floor patio door had been open the whole time and I was in fact seeing a mouse. I grabbed a nearly full box of pizza off of the coffee table and flung however many pieces of veggie pizza there was in there onto a full ham and pineapple pizza (sorry fellow vegetarians, but hey, I screwed myself over equally here) and I tore off down the hall chasing this mouse with a greasy pizza box. Everyone was sitting on the sofa staring at me like I had completely gone off my rocker when 'BAM' I caught the mouse with the pizza box! I kept my foot on the corner of the box for 10 minutes while the hostess called her husband who was sitting at the local pub avoiding girls night to come dispose of the mouse. Good times were had by all but I wish that it had been a clump of mascara in my lashes instead of a mouse, yuck.

** no mice were harmed in this event

Keep it classy Vancouver

2010-09-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

So I have wanted an iPhone 4 for some time, but I am with Rogers and they had like 17 phones for the entire nation or something equally ridiculous so I could not get my hands on one. I couldn’t sleep this morning so I decided that instead of laying in bed feeling sorry for myself that I would instead drag my sorry ass out of bed and get down to the Apple Store to try and score the new iPhone. I got there at 5:15am and was person #9 in the queue, I was feeling fairly confident that a phone would be mine but I was wishing that I had brought along a portable heater like one guy did! I made friends with everyone in line near me and we made the best out of being freezing cold, waiting around for the store to open. All hell almost broke loose when a Korean girl in the line just ahead of me decided to let her friend budge into line around 7am. One of the members of my Apple line ‘gang’ informed the newcomer that we had all been there for over an hour and that she had better get to the back of the line before there was a riot. She pretended to not speak English until a Korean guy about half way down the line started screaming at her in Korean and she burst into tears and promptly moved to the back of the line (they ran out of iPhones before they got that far down the line….there is a God!) In the end, I got my iPhone and life is good but I’d like to thank the Apple line ‘gang’ for making my stay in the freezing cold a little bit more amusing and fun. Huge shout out goes to my pal Amy who saw my Facebook pleas for help about wanting coffee so she brought me hot coffee and a cookie, what a girl!

Pizzariffic!

2010-09-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In my dream they added a girl to their team and when she accepted, they shouted out “Pizzariffic!” She wore a pink mask and I can’t remember what her weapon was but I am sure that it was something cool. I have no idea what in the hell this dream symbolizes but it was highly entertaining nonetheless.

Homey don't play that

2010-08-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

I was walking towards the train this morning at the Broadway-City Hall Station and the usual fare checks were not in place but one of the Canada Line employees in her tacky green jacket was accosting an elderly man with a bunch of trash bags full of cans. I was walking side by side with a woman who was about the same age as myself and she just happened to be Black. We both slowed down to see if the woman was going to ask to see our transit passes but she didn't so we kept walking towards the train. About 2 minutes later, the employee was huffing, puffing and all red-faced demanding to see my pass. I showed her the pass and said that perhaps if she had just asked me for it, she would not have had to 'chase me down' for it. She then came at me with total attitude, enough so that everyone was now watching this show down on the platform and I asked her "what about the girl who was walking with me, did she evade you as well?" The Skytrain lady got all fidgety and started staring at the ground which is when the girl that I was walking with piped up "Yeah, I didn't show you my pass either" and the Skytrain lady was saying, that it was fine, she didn't need to see it. The girl said really loudly "Oh I get it, it's because I'm Black and you're scared...racist!" Ha ha, nothing like a little 7am confrontation to get the day going!

Suck it Critical Mass

2010-08-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

I seriously hate Critical Mass. If you want my sympathy for the perils of riding your bike through the mean streets of Vancouver, then you are barking up the wrong tree. I, unlike most of you cyclists, actually live in the City of Vancouver and I pay taxes here for your precious bike lanes and such. When you decide to clog traffic, drink alcohol in public, disobey signs and blow through traffic lights almost killing pedestrians in the process on a Friday afternoon after a long week of work, don't be surprised when everyone in the city turns against you. These stupid hippies ruin it for the real cyclists in the city who are just trying to commute as peacefully as possible and make it to work and back in one piece. Shove it Critical Mass.

I am so in love

2010-08-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

...with my new hair straightening iron. I am not sure what took me so long to finally go out and buy a decent hair straightening iron but I finally bit the bullet and spent a few hard earned dollars on a kick ass iron and to say that I am thrilled would be a massive understatement. I used to go to Blo as often as I could to have them straighten my hair for me, but after them being consistently late and not taking the time to do my hair as I had requested (because they were running behind!) I decided that enough was enough and that I could do this myself. I am a happy bunny...with perfectly straight hair and zero frizz, WOOT!

Talk nerdy to me

2010-08-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

What is with nerds and their Medieval fascination? Dungeons and dragons, role play, speaking with a fake British accent, sword play, etc. I mean, you already stand out enough, which is fine, but then you go and make things worse for yourself by playing your games in a public park and wandering up to people (like me) in your fake accent asking me if 'I'd fancy a joust.' Sorry that I spat out my coffee and laughed but seriously, come on!

Nicotine litter bugs

2010-08-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, I don't care if you smoke, I'm not judging your habit, but why do you think that it's ok to throw your cigarette butts all over the sidewalk, in beautiful flower planters and in the parks so that curious little kids can pick them up? You don't finish your cup of coffee and just throw the cup on the sidewalk and carry on your merry way, do you? I was walking from the train station to work today and was looking around at how beautiful it is here when it's sunny when my view was ruined by a discarded cigarette butt careening past my head from a woman jumping onto a trolley bus, nice.

Get your hate on

2010-08-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

I hate a lot of things. People are always telling me that “hate” is such a strong word and that I should say “dislike” for everyday things and save hatred for things like Hitler, genocide and people who kick puppies. Well you know what, I think that some of you need to broaden your horizons and get your hate on.

Hating things is pretty awesome. Also, it's really easy. It doesn't take any more effort to hate something than it does to be completely indifferent so why not go full hog? Besides, indifference is boring; arguably, indifference is a great indicator of a weak character if you ask me, like people who always say “I dunno, whatever you want to do” when you ask them what would they like to do today. At least hatred is passionate and not wishy washy.

Here's the thing: I'm not an optimist but I'm not a pessimist, either. I like to think of myself more as a realist, like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. In general, people who want to believe that everything is all sunshine and rainbows are ultimately going to be disappointed and hurt whereas people who want to believe that everything just plain sucks will generally find out that they are indeed right and won't be crushed when things don’t work out cause well, duh, that’s what always happens.

I wake up in the morning hating the day, mostly because I seriously HATE my alarm clock and the noises that emit from it. I hate everybody on the train and those that I pass on my commute. I hate picking out an outfit, I hate figuring out what to eat for lunch. I basically hate everything.

BUT - and this is key - BUT I stay flexible to allow myself to be pleasantly surprised when something I expected to hate turns out to be awesome. It means I end up appreciating the awesomeness of it so much more than the average sunshine and rainbows person.

Sure, of course it's totally rare that I get to be pleasantly surprised when something I hated ends up being completely awesome. Most of the time, I just keep on hating everything. Of course, then, I was right to have hated it all along. And the only thing that I enjoy more than hating everything is being right.

All Levels of Connectivity

2010-08-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

I know, another hobo story but what can I say, I like talking to people! I was wandering up Crescent St. in Montreal earlier this evening and came across a homeless guy around my age holding a sign that stated ‘Too Ugly for Prostitution.’ I couldn’t help but laugh and I said that if he let me take a picture on my BlackBerry, that I’d give him a buck. Well he was all over that plan and happily mugged for the camera. He wanted to see the picture and he said “I look good there, can you please e-mail it to me?” Since when do homeless people have e-mail addresses?

Some People

2010-07-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

Here’s another one for the ‘my colleagues were obviously raised by wolves file.’ I get it, my desk is the closest one to the kitchen but does that give you the right to ‘shop’ for supplies whenever you want to buy something from the office snack shop and see that there is no pen beside the IOU sheet? Not only did you swipe my favourite pen, twice, but you also helped yourself to all of my hand sanitizer (the grapefruit-smelling one, not the yucky alcohol-smelling one.) Karma is a bitch and if I smell grapefruit on your paws or see you with my much adored pen behind your ear, your ass is grass.

My Apology

2010-07-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Ever since Air Canada acquired my beloved Canadian Airlines, I have hated them with a level of passion perhaps only outpassioned by my love of mayonnaise (those who know me well, know that that that is a LOT.) Some of that hatred was completely justified: delayed luggage, getting bumped, being poorly compensated when stranded in amazing cities such as Winnipeg and Regina, etc. I would go out of my way to travel WestJet or any other airline and booo the Air Canada logo whenever I saw it. In the last few years I have been traveling a fair amount, mostly on US carriers. Ugly flight attendants aside, most US carriers are barely a step above a Greyhound Bus (with the exception of Horizon Air, yeah Dea!) Imagine my surprise when I boarded my Air Canada flight to Montreal today and was greeted with genuine smiles, a clean aircraft and a working entertainment system on every single seat back, incredible! Air Canada, I am sorry that I bad mouthed you for so long to so many people, I was wrong…can you ever forgive me? Let’s start over.

Tech Support Woes

2010-07-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Rogers Wireless has this amazing ability to make me feel stupid and I don’t like it one bit. I was having an issue with e-mail not coming to my device so I fell back on my tried and true methods and then went on-line and followed their directions to a T, to no avail. I begrudgingly called Rogers support and the guy laughed through my whole attempt to tell him what the dealio was. You asswipe, if it wasn’t for technically challenged people like me, you wouldn’t have a job. Suck it Rogers.

Mad World

2010-07-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

I have been obsessed with the show Mad Men since it came out in 2007 and there is not a single thing that I do not adore about this show: the storylines, the clothing, etc. They were really onto something with the whole bar in your office, 'let’s hash this out over something strong' kind of mentality. I also adore the pre-Bumpit beehive hairdos…I really missed out on my era.

Chivalry is Indeed Dead

2010-06-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well at least in my office it is. I work in a very male dominated office and it seems like a large number of them seem to think that some tasks are for girls and are below them. We are located in the penthouse of a fancy schmancy tower and seeing as no one sits up front, we had a doorbell installed so that we could hear couriers and visitors arriving. I have sat all over the office and I know for a fact that there is an area right by the door where a group of guys sit that can hear the door but they choose to ignore it 99% of the time which means that either me (who was recently hit by a truck and injured) or my very pregnant office mate Rena, have to constantly run and answer the door while the guys just sit there with stupid grins on their faces. Most of the time the doorbell rings for one person in particular who is always having his personal packages sent to the office. Rena and I have decided that next time this happens, his package will be waiting for him in the women's washroom...take that you smug asshole.

Last Meal

2010-06-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

Why is it that whenever American media has a story about someone being executed that they feel the need to share what the prisoner requested for their last meal? I don’t get it, who cares? Perhaps I just don’t ‘get’ capital punishment to begin with, I dunno. I also wonder what I would pick for my last meal, that's a tough call.

Broke-ass Education System

2010-06-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

I take the trolley bus to work a lot of the time and the aquarium is the last stop on the #19, joy. Are our schools completely flat ass broke or what? What is with teachers bringing on classes of 30+ kids during the freakin’ morning rush hour on public transit?? First of all I can tell you that 2 adults trying to contain 30 kids is like herding cats while on LSD chained to a fence and I can also tell you that it’s not my freakin’ job to make sure that Junior doesn’t wander off the bus in Chinatown because he sees something shiny. Today we were headed downtown and this little girl who couldn’t have been more than 6 years old made eye contact with me as she turned a lovely shade of kale green and proceeded to christen the trolley bus floor with her chewed up morning Froot Loops, lovely. Whatever happened to the days when parents would all carpool the kiddies or god forbid, the school would rent a SCHOOL bus to take them to where they wanted to go. Schools should at least pick non-rush hour times to take their orangutans/ kidlets on public transit for the sake of all humanity.

There Ain't No Party Like a Walgreen's Party

2010-06-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

Seattle, June 2010. I was buying some Bandaids at the Walgreen’s near Pike Place Market for my feet as my dogs were barkin’ and it was quite a scene; the cashiers were all either loony tunes or they were all high as kites…perhaps both. Everyone was dancing and bopping about and my cashier was rapping to me while ringing my purchase through “Butterfinger, Crackerjacks, yo…you want some? They’re great, so sweet. Butterfinger, Crackerjack YO!” I stood there in disbelief trying not to laugh at the hilarity of everything going around me. I will definitely be back, it was like a nightclub in there and it was only 3pm.

Guess I Can't Fly

2010-05-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

So I was renewing the man's passport on Tuesday morning and I was walking out of the passport office on Hastings and Hornby. I was crossing through the crosswalk and no, I wasn't listening to my iPod or talking on my phone when all of a sudden I heard a scream and saw something dark right by my shoulder. I knew that I was flying and I knew that this was not good at all which was followed by a huge thud as I landed square on my shoulder, ouch.

It was pouring rain and my personal belongings were strewn all across Hornby Street and all I could think of was ‘did that bastard just hit me?’ Yep, he sure did. I got smoked by a GMC Sierra and I wasn’t even jaywalking! There were tons of witnesses and people trying to keep me dry and as comfortable as possible but I knew that I was going to be ok when one of the guys was on the phone with 9-1-1 and they asked him how old I was. He leaned over and looked really close and said “Oh, I’d say she’s in her late 30’s” to which I shouted “No, I’m not, I’m 29 you asshole!”

Greedy much?

2010-05-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

I recently received a new BC Care Card and with it came forms from BC Transplant to sign up as an organ donor. I was reading through the various options out of curiosity and was drawn to the return envelope. It had this sing songy note saying that although the postage is pre-paid, you could affix your own postage to save BC Transplant the fee as an ‘additional gift.’ Seriously? Haven’t you already asked for enough from me? You really need another 65 cents? Ridiculous.

Conference Calls Can be Fun

2010-04-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

I was stuck on a very long client call today and it just so happened that they were Dutch. One guy kept saying “tight integration” in what seemed like every sentence but whenever he said ‘tight’ it reminded me of Goldmember from Austin Powers. It was all I could do to not completely lose it on this call, good times

Decomp Microwave

2010-04-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

I am sure that all office people have a love/hate relationship with their communal office microwave. What is with certain people consistently bringing in food that smells like decomp though? First of all, what the fuck is it that you’re heating up and second, why in the hell can I smell it from the conference room on the complete other side of the office? It’s beyond nasty and it seems unfair to make innocents suffer on account of your lunch, how can you even eat that crap anyway? You are the same people who rarely help unload the dishwasher or clean up, so my guess is that your home is a complete pig sty at well, yuck.

Smurfland

2010-03-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

We get it, you were a volunteer during the Olympics. Well you know what? The games are over and you look like a complete idiot in your electric blue volunteer jacket. During the 17 days of the Olympics, I actually enjoyed the look of a colony of Smurfs descending upon our fair city, but now I think you all look like a bunch of tools. Surely you have another jacket in your wardrobe, how about you wear that instead? Oh and another thing...your staff/volunteer pass no longer gets you on the bus for free, your glory days are over, so stop arguing with the bus driver and pay your bus fare like the rest of us.

JJ's Paralympic Torch experience aka I'm definitely going to hell

2010-03-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

There was quite a crowd on the corner of Georgia and Granville this afternoon decked out in their Canada gear, frantically clanging their cowbells. We stopped to take part in the fun as it would be the first time that we would see the Paralympic torch coming through the city. I was expecting the torch bearer to be oh I dunno, someone in a wheelchair or with some sort of disability. Instead some 12 year old kid with nothing Paralympic looking about him came sauntering down the street with the torch in his hand. I felt completely ripped off and was desperately looking for any kind of gimp, limp… even a lazy eye! Dammit, there was nothing. Rena laughed and then said “Well, we’re both going to hell.”

We were made for this

2010-02-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

Who knew that Canadian patriotism plus Olympic red mittens would equal a great hiding spot for a mickey of booze; I bet that the Hudson’s Bay Company never thought of that sort of legacy with their red mittens!

Angry Canuck

2010-02-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

It seems that a lot of the foreign media is bashing our attempt at the Olympics this week *cough British and American* I have to laugh though as most of the criticism are things involving the weather (out of our control) and how boring the opening ceremonies were as compared to Beijing. First off, we have never had a winter this warm since we started keeping records of these things over 100 years ago and second, China is a communist nation with both infinite budget and infinite volunteers so really, I would like to see any nation try to top them, even you USA. The thing perhaps that gets me the most though (as it's personal) is the American media making fun of our politeness. Seriously, what is so wrong with saying 'please, thank you and you're welcome'? And another thing, no one pronounces it 'aboot' on the West Coast so get your head out of your ass American media and maybe try leaving your hotel room for a change and actually talk to a real Canadian or two.

USA is not so A-OK

2010-02-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

Not everyone was able to afford Olympic tickets and some people just plain got shafted by VANOC's shitty website and were unable to get tickets even though they were ready, willing and able to with Visa cards in their paws. Despite this fact there was a nice consolation prize that was open to everyone else: Country Pavilions. These are fun places located all over the city where you can drink the local beverages of the visiting nations and learn about their Olympic team and meet some new people. Seems fairly harmless and fun I'd say. Well about the only place not open to the public is the Team USA House; Nothing open to the public you say? No interactive exhibits? No goodwill ambassadors? Oh wait, but I can BUY something and then get the hell out with security breathing down my neck? How perfectly American. I'll save my money thanks! To not have any interactive public exhibits while the rest of the world extends goodwill? Why can't we all just be friends?

** Props go to Mary for bringing this sad little tidbit of international relations to my knowledge.

Olympic fever?

2010-02-03T18:46:00.000-08:00

I am sick to death of people whining and bitching about the Olympics. Yeah the roads will be a mess for 3 weeks but come on people, this is going to be the biggest party ever and we get to show off our city to the world. For all of you whiners and protesters in your $500 North Face jackets, I better not see you out and about at any of the free concerts or in the beer gardens…remember? You hate the Olympics, stay at home, you're no fun anyway. I am hoping that the Olympics will make Vancouver a little more relaxed and a lot more fun, here's hoping!

JJ’s angry dance

2010-02-01T16:42:00.001-08:00

Every year, without fail when I get my T4 (income tax return up here in Canada) and I see line 22 (income tax deducted) I almost faint. Don’t get me wrong, I adore living in Canada and I love all of my socialised medicine and stuff but ouch, you bastards in Ottawa took a ton of my money yet again and well, that kinda sucks.

RBW

2010-01-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

The cool corner has come out with a new office appropriate acronym, ‘RBW’: Raised By Wolves. It is usually muttered under our breath several times a day when certain people do really odd/stupid/idiotic things. Good times in office land.

I’ve got a new attitude

2010-01-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

The B-Line has turned me into a complete asshole. I used to be nice and queue along with the masses, patiently awaiting my rightful turn to get on the bus only to be broadsided by someone hell bent on budging and getting on before everyone else. After being hit in the face with umbrellas and newspapers as well as receiving several sharp elbows to my ribs (ow) I have decided that enough is enough, fuck this shit, I am getting on the goddamn bus. Seeing as I am about a foot taller than the major demographic that loves to budge their way onto the bus, I am at a major advantage; I can easily shove them to the side and I have yet to be left waiting for the next bus since I have adopted my new attitude.

Technology impaired

2010-01-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

Thing that annoys me today: People who come by my desk to inform me that they have just sent me an e-mail, seriously? I will get around to your e-mail as soon as I can but why you feel the need to stand over me and watch me read your e-mail 3.5 seconds after you hit ‘send’ is beyond me. Don’t be surprised if I communicate my reply to you in the most efficient way possible, via my middle finger.

‘Couv Labyrinth

2009-12-28T16:32:00.000-08:00

I’ve lived in the ‘Couv for about 5 years now and I still always get Howe and Hornby St’s as well as Mainland and Hamilton St’s mixed up…please tell me that it’s not just me? I know that the place that straightens my fro is on either Hamilton or Mainland yet I always pick the wrong one when I get off the Skytrain and I know that the HSBC bank is either on Hornby or Howe but I can never remember which one. Luckily it only adds a block to my walking route either way but it’s still damn annoying.

I'm just saying...

2009-12-17T11:49:00.000-08:00